Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Dreams, Cheating & Other Issues...

Imagine a day where you have finally found the person you want to dedicate your life to. Think about how happy and loving you are towards one another and how you choose to stay committed. Dream up the perfect scenario of the day you move in together and have settled on making the perfect little home for each other. Now flash forward a few months later after vulnerabilities have presented themselves and the shroud of mystery is slowly peeled away. Here's where the real work begins.

Living life together as men and women is as perfect a grand design as there ever could be. God truly made us to be balance in life and to learn to co-exist peacefully. Though I'd say in society there still seems to be many struggles with equality not only between sexes but also races and social status. But as always hope is still instilled in many of us and we strive to make our piece of the world better daily.

In that quest for love and acceptance, I have encountered different personalities that allow for such wonderful possibilities! I have finally found fabulous friends and hope to learn and grow to love them better. I am not only a people pleaser but I am also an inquisitive mind that wishes to capture as much information as possible in order to fulfill my purpose. I tend to use modern tools like the internet to find the answers I seek.

This past week I've been dealing with a semi-conflicting personality from a male that I've come to truly admire. It sounds contradictory but after a few months we start to see thought patterns emerge from within and manifests itself as a behavior. And this is what I have observed. I have heard over the past few weeks snarky comments about my time spent outside the home.

Not only have I heard comments but I've also heard reports of fears creeping into dreams. So much creeping, in fact, that my loving boyfriend has awoken twice now majorly perturbed! The sandman has not been kind sadly and the reports are quite disturbing. In the dream I was cheating with two males at a bar and then proceeded to make waffles for them.

Now to be totally honest much of this dream, although highly irrational, has been instigated by sudden fears brought upon for what the male describes as "no reason, really." He can't figure out why he's so upset with me or why these dreams are even a possibility. We've had many a discussion involving this topic of cheating and while I find it constructive to communicate (and fully encourage him to use his words as juvenile as it sounds) I find myself growing more frustrated and mad back!!!!

In order to maintain the peace I do all the sappy love talking/affectionate kissing I can without him going "Oh my gosh" at me. I have not felt love like this for a while so for me it's just completely incomprehensible that I would willingly wreck it so quickly! Perhaps I need to step it up!

I had to do some research on this to not feel so alone. I know how common a fear this really is so I'm not cray obsessive over it but I do want to be informed and try to do my part in ensuring peace of mind for my lovely. I am a fanatic of dream searching and seeing why we dream the things we do. I truly find peace in the fact when I find the possibilities. It means that I am closer to solving the mystery!

Dreams happen for many reasons. In the words of Dr Scott Haltzman, "theories range from wish fulfillment, to random neurological discharge of the brain cells, to mastering an emotional state you can’t handle while awake." For many of us we cannot accomplish our communication goals until we know what we are trying to say. Simply because you dream something doesn't imply the actions are being carried out in reality. According to the aforementioned doctor, "there’s no scientific evidence that dreams reveal hidden actions of others. Ironically, if anything, they may reveal your own hidden wishes: have you been thinking about fooling around outside the [relationship?]"  

Here are some questions to ask yourself and your loved one before throwing a fit of rage:

  • How can I know you are faithful to me?
  • What limits do you set on others of the opposite sex who might be attracted to you?
  • Are there situations in which you’d be at risk for having an affair?
  • Do you have needs in our relationship that I’m not meeting that would make you more likely to seek comfort with someone else?
  • If you were ever to have an affair, how would we be able to talk about it?

 I plan on taking initiative to make sure my man knows I am committed to making him happy and feel loved and accepted always. I hope some of you may have feedback or opinions regarding relationships, cheating, communication or what have you! I look forward to seeing your responses and wish you all the best. It's still Winter out there so remain calm and be cautious! 

Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee Summerville

Monday, February 18, 2013

President's Day 2013

Well well well the time has once again, arrived for us to remember those in office that we have cherished, mocked and ultimately lost. I took a moment of silence as I prepared two delicious meals for my daycare kids and was actually interrupted (for the 17th time in 5 minutes) when little Johnny asked me again why I wasn't answering his burning question about the aforementioned food. I explained to him that I was praying for the current President Barack Obama to have a good day and that we needed to especially be thankful for the works of Presidents past!

He wasn't terribly intrigued I could tell. But later as we were clearing our plates and cleaning up Jon asked me who my favorite leader is. I told him about my admiration for Barack as he literally was the first man I ever voted for. I even studied the 2008 election. I almost didn't go for Obama but a few deeper looks into his books I decided I had to support this Midwestern man and his loving, supportive family. They have impressed me with their class and kindness in the past 4 years. I also told Jon that while Barack is known as "the first African-American Commander-in-Chief" he is to be remembered for plenty more than that!

Politics and science are definitely not my strong suits, especially when put together but even I got awesome grades on my papers in my first semester at college. Yet I managed to fail the class because of horrible exam scores! I do have interest in it though as I do believe we are affected by our leader's actions. They are the shining example of how to lead and thank God they all have different ways of doing it!

I am excited to say that for the next few Holidays (Easter, St Patrick's Day, 4th of July) I will be celebrating nearly on my own as I have a General Manger for a boyfriend. I am sure my friends will let me join in on their fun times and I am known to make my own... ahem... Suspicious Monkey anyone...

Enjoy your week everyone and remember I put out new blogs every Monday. Please feel free to follow and post your own thoughts and stories!

Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee Summerville

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Burning Bridges Just To Rebuild Them

I am not in any sense a true carpenter. I do however recall that in my junior year of high school, a team of freshman and myself came up with a plan to build a trebuchet. Now I know many of you are asking "What in the world is a trebuchet?" In fact I'm surprised I actually remembered the proper terminology for what our ancestors called a catapult!

What then, brothers? When you come together, each one has a hymn, a lesson, a revelation, a tongue, or an interpretation. Let all things be done for building up. - 1 Corinthians 14:26

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately and decided to return to my roots of Christianity. Whether we like it or not, our lively guardians protect us in many ways. My parents were an older couple who were in fact concocted of my maternal grandmother and (primary) step-grandfather. I never had the opportunity to experience an understanding, open and educational environment at home and I could tell from a young age that I was to be seen and not heard. And the sight really wasn't all that lovely until I lost the coke bottle glasses in 2nd grade!

I have been Buddhist, Catholic and Baptist. I was technically raised as a practicing Baptist but as my life progressed and certain traumatic events were cemented into my brain I started to question how God could be cruel to me and why I had to endure so much at such a young age with very little guidance. Somehow I made it through my teen years with very little fallout or legal consequence.

I am now truly aware that God was sending me on my own journey to find myself. He was teaching me to question what my family had taught me and to see if it was in accordance with His plans not theirs. He is still guiding me to the woman I know I need to be in order to fulfill His purpose. I know now that my goals have changed and evolved for the better.

Since I am reassured knowing that God is really in control and that I am not I am able to continue on my merry little way. That way I can really focus in on my personal mistakes and change the image I see of myself. I am trying to use the gospel to show me where I have wronged others and what I need to do in order to mend those fences if possible.

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. - Colossians 3:16

I have a long road ahead of me and a lot of people to build up. The plan is to catapult myself into a new life of Godliness-filled ambition! I am actively praying for guidance and peace of mind not just for myself but for my enemies and loved ones as well. My newest motto is all about love and acceptance. 

My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world. And by this we know that we have come to know him, if we keep his commandments. Whoever says “I know him” but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him... 1 John 1-29 

I am excited in the coming days to share the lessons I've learned from the good book and from life itself. I am happy to share it with you and get your feedback! Have a blessed day, slap on a smile and love hard!

Love, light & Peace,
Jolee Summerville

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Over 2 years!

It has been indeed only been a mere 2 years (give or take a few months) since I have written anything of real substance. I am beyond caring who and why they read what I post but please note that I take into account every single comment and blurb on any site I'm linked to. This compulsion for attention comes from a lack of a proper (according to me) family structure. I absolutely need to feel like I'm heard by my loved ones and that includes YOU.

For some unknown reason you decided to encounter an entertaining blog about moi and I'm going to do my best to deliver. Since I've not written in a while and I do not want to start where I left off, left me explain how life is going now.

Silly Love Songs
I made a HUGE move. And in my life, change has never been insanely greeted with warmth. But I have recently moved into my boyfriend's house in an attempt to make peace amongst myself and others. I simply wanted a soft place to fall. I believe God had been weaving a windy road to prepare for when this move became official. I am now officially in an "amasing" place. By the s in amasing I mean I am FREELY singing like, as in, OUT LOUD. I am emphatically grateful for the love, attention and encouragement I receive daily from my man, Joe. You have already bettered me and accepted me and for that I thank you!

Cough Syrup|Shake It Out 
Around the last time I wrote a blog I was living with my sister, her husband & their 3 kids and working super full time. I do mean pulling 60 hours weeks as a server then I had to donate time in the mornings to watch the younger 2 while my siblings did work and school. For a while it worked, and after about 6 months and 1 move together I was at my wits end. By the Summer of 2012 I was out of there and living with some amaing Christians named Jeremy and Genger. I was blessed enough to meet them at a random Primerica Licensing class in August of 2011.

Immediately I integrated slowly into their lives and started forming a, what I believed, as an unbreakable bond. We got along in every area and Genger even trusted me to help with her home daycare when I was able to lift my butt out of bed. I did not take advantage of all the fun we could have had and now I find myself angry for doing so, simply because I thought sleep was most important and well, in those months it was. I had left my job then wen straight back as I thought I couldn't contribute to the household without funds.

Little did I know that we would surely have to move once again in the Fall of 2012, but this time I revisited my old Independence stomping grounds where my only remaining grandparent resides. It worked okay for a while but my patience wore thin as I quickly learned that my helpful-Cinderella attitude was being abused and taken sadly, for granted. I also realized how utterly alone I was in that care taking position. Not only did it hurt to see that I was the only one willing but it was slightly empowering to know that I am the ONLY ONE capable to do the job.

I couldn't handle the crap and escorted myself into a tiny apartment with my awesome aforementioned friends and their lovely 2 kids. I landed a job at a daycare (it seems I'm good with kids usually) and worked in a very treacherous and unwelcoming environment. I lasted a mere 3 months, not because I'm weak but because I didn't deserve the angst of going to what should've been a peaceful and fun place to be. I finally got depressed enough to move back into my grandparent's home and let the abuse continue which is when I started making terrible choices.

That's when my friends split up (in a shocking and heartbreaking ordeal that is still brewing) and I had to break free of my chains. I couldn't stand being as low as I was. I felt like the piece of pot-smoking crap that my own family disowns. I finally had the encouragement as I let Joe in more and more. Piece by piece, he reassured me that I deserved happiness and love. I did not need make myself feel guilty because I was doing what I thought was right by my grandparent. I only tried to make peace amongst ourselves and hoped the rest of my family would follow suit. And oh boy, did I meet a resistance like I've never encountered!

Give Your Heart A Break
I moved in with Joe and things seemed to look 10x better already. Little did I know that this was the exact moment in my transition from "Donette" to "Jolee." I am finally free to be myself and live for myself. I figured in excluding many others who's motives are detrimental to me that I would make headway for better relationships elsewhere. I was so wrong as I learned in the coming weeks that no matter how hard you try, you cannot ever make someone want to be there. You can be the most kind-hearted, thoughtful and embracing person ever but there will always be someone manipulative enough to try and frame you for a crime or make it seem as if you are insensitive and too needy to be around. I have given up. I SURRENDER! I give up all my family disgruntlement and upsets to God. All I can do is pray that God sees me for my true self and brings out the good IN US ALL.

Everybody Wants To Rule The World
"Nothing ever lasts forever." Music is truly my living source, not oxygen! I'm sure if you drowned me in water but played music, I'd come back just to fight and hear the song. Now actually most of the subtitles in this blog are Glee covers, and they are incredibly inspiring, and yes most are Blaine Warbler songs! (Cause he's my favorite, if you didn't know! I am looking forward to ruling my own world with the music I love and gope to make this the year that Jolee finally gets back to the piano and writing! We've got the space in our lovely little home and I certainly have the time.

But back to YOU, my dear sweet angel faced reader. You are the reasons I am continuing writing. I feel so much better now and I love confiding in you. Your feedback and opinions are always welcome and encouraged to be constructive not rude! :)

I wish you all the love, light and peace in the universe my dolls! Have a marvelous week and enjoy each other!

Love, Light and Peace,
Glee's Darren Criss singing "Everybody Wants To Rule The World"

Friday, September 23, 2011

Time Capsule-A Hidden Blog

 9\23\11 - My words from September 23rd, 2011

Hello all! (The two or three readers who will actually read this...)
I wish to welcome you all back to my blog, which has not been fully taken care of, obviously since this past Winter. And I feel so ashamed because it's now been like 10 months since I've posted. To be fair, life has been hectic and my personal journal is lacking proper ramblings as well. So please do not feel left out!

I started this blog with the full intention to keep everyone who cares updated on the ever-changing shades of my life and mainly it has been a cathartic release for my simply little brain. I feel like the life lessons never stop, and boy have I endured my share this past year! I've moved around several times, (even had my own studio for 6 months, and severely struggled), had another car crap out on me. You know, 2/4 ain't bad... the other 2 I wrecked myself so I can only blame myself for those auto mishaps.

Now I am currently living with my lovely family members (who shall remain nameless for their own sanity and well let's face it mine too) and their fabulously crazy 3 boys. The ages currently are 6 1/2, 4 1/2 and 10 amazing months old baby B! They give me such joy and such grief as the eldest child loves to act like a 12 year old. It's like "Holy cow, stop growing into a preteen!" And the middle child is as sweet, funny and silly as ever. Baby B is just crawling all over, teething like a madman, and got his first ear infection just this week!

In between the times I'm not working my "normal/mediocre" job (See Kate Gosselin's latest GMA interview, lol) I am watching the brood, cleaning and laundering and all that goes with being a domestic auntie. Currently I'm enduring a nasty sinus infection and the one day break has been helpful, though I wish I could help out more. And by help out I mean doing the household chores that no one simply cares about.

I have to be completely honest when I tell you that I used to be lazy. Not very lazy but just in general. I now see why rinsing the dishes and putting them in the empty dishwasher is vital to keeping stress reduced! I cannot cannot cannot cook or relax until the kitchen is clean. And ugh, let me tell you, no one here uses 1 glass a day! I'm further looking into my own betterment and one of the ways I overcame my negative laziness was to find a model and listen closely.

Much of the modeling has come from my own birth mother who does always keep a neat house. The other model has for the past 2 years been Kate Gosselin. If you know me, you know I have a thing for famous people, and only certain ones for that matter. I'm not going into the details of why I'm a fan or supporter of the Gosselins because that is a blog in and of itself. I just know that I am grateful for a not so perfect model who in fact is a healthy one!

I have always said I want a large family ("just like 7 or so, adopted, fostered and perhaps one I birthed myself... maybe." To be exact!) and one of the ways I can get there is to improve myself. I know there's a lot of work ahead of me, but I am not a quitter anymore. I'm a winner and I want to win the race! I have to thank God for being my biggest fan and never failing to be there. For without Him, my world would absolutely crumble and I would be dead. For all the times I've wanted to just literally die, he's picked me up and been the voice in my head saying "Keep going! You have a wonderful future ahead of you. The only way to get there is to endure the good and the bad times!"

I pray you all are doing wonderfully and enduring your own good/bad times with perseverance and grace! Shine on my lovelies. :)

Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee Summerville

Sunday, September 11, 2011

How To Avoid The Familial Clusterfizzuck

Hello again "followers," (I prefer supporters, by the way)

I write this blog post, not to add to the endless drama that seems to surround every millisecond of my family's lives, but rather to focus on my feelings about a new experience or rather the same experience but in a new world. I've changed for the better over the past 3 years and this blog is evidence to that. I want to reiterate that my posts are not to cause more pain and suffering on those who incorporate their selves shamelessly into my life all the while saying how negative I am. I am purposefully voicing my opinions on my own time, in my own home.

As I research people who have similar backgrounds meaning, being abandoned essentially, and I'm finding that more and more have said the pain never goes away but if you're determined enough you CAN get past it and live a healthy, productively normal life. It is all about your perspective and how you choose to deal with your issues. I myself have rough days and many more lately because I have not been forthcoming with all of my feelings.

And when I am open and honest I feel like I'm not being heard. And if I am being heard my words are literally being shoved aside.I feel like everyone has a rebuttal and I'm the annoyed but impatient stock buyer on the other end who is hesitant but says "Ok, let's try it." I have tried and tried and TRIED, (did I tell you I have TRIED) so so so hard to step back and let my family ask ME for once to be involved. I am still waiting for the call. I am still hoping they will miss me in time enough to say "Crap, I really should have not just asked her to help. Maybe I should've spent an hour or two a month with just her, cause she's is pretty marvelous after all. Plus I need a sitter next week and she doesn't charge." Oh wait, that already did happen

Now that I have made my feelings very clear on how I am treated by everyone in my large family (there are 43 including myself and the kids, and spouses and all that) I am still hurt but lowering my expectations to 0! I don't believe a change is coming anytime soon but for my the the waiting game is the absolute worst. I literally cry every day because I miss my nephews and I know they miss me. For now I shall live my life, doing right by others, working hard and playing hard. Because I fucking deserve it! (Oh sorry... I'll refrain from the anger words!) 

I know times are tough everywhere so I encourage you all to pray and love hard with me! We're in this TOGETHER!

Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee Summerville  

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Multiple Occupations & Moving

I don't know about you, but in this economic climate, it appears even though I'm employed it doesn't necessarily mean I'm getting profitable hours in. I have two jobs at the moment, the ones that pay anyways, that are exciting and can be a lot of fun. But recently it's all come to a very slow crawl. Still, I am blessed with a roof over my head, food in my stomach and somehow I manage to pay many bills every month.

I'm proud to say I do pay with my own money and have only had to borrow from my grams twice. In my family, that's a record low! I am worried because I'm about to put down a large deposit on my own 1 bedroom apartment and that will be all good for four weeks. I'm worried that if my work doesn't pick up before then I will not be able to provide the roof any longer.

I'm smart enough to see that it's cheaper to take public transport but with crazy bus schedules and long routes, it's hard to get around here. There are several ways to conserve funds and pinch pennies. I'm excited to be learning how to truly take care of myself. I'm so grateful for all of my friends who are super supportive and have offered advice on apartment life.

I know God will gladly provide all my needs and that it is he who has total control over my life, not I. For that I am truly grateful. I am also understanding in the fact that these things do take time and he's very busy so patience is essential to my emotional well-being. This will be a large leap for me as I've never officially been truly on my own, all by my lonesome. I'm terribly excited and nervous as I'm sure plenty of you felt those feelings as you trekked out of your guardians' homes.

I've moved out before, and been with others and I've seen the communication it takes to run a household. I'm not discounting those experiences and I will cherish them forever. They taught me a lot about myself and how not to treat others, among many other things. I'm positive that if I remain on this road, and work harder than I thought possible, I will make it. I know I'm not the only one struggling to live so that's of great comfort.

If you have any tips or concerns please feel free to comment and share your wisdom! :)

It's a beautiful, cold day here... I hope it's just as peaceful where you are friends.

Love, Light & Peace,