From My Heart...

As far as I am concerned freedom and privacy are pretty much the same thing. I'm willing to bet that these two ideals are necessary attributes to ensure my peace of mind. Right here and right now, I want to make the boundaries of my personal territory very clear. I have several characteristics in my personality which can overwhelm some individuals.

I have perseverance but recently I've been prone to bouts of lethargy and shiftlessness given my current situation. If I must elaborate I will say that I am employed as a part time security guard for the Kansas City Chiefs. I work at Kauffman Stadium here in Kansas City, Missouri. More specifically in the city of Raytown.

But I have decided that my indolence must come to a complete stop and it is perhaps imminent you could say.

I'm not the type of person who believes that holding all of your feelings and disgruntlements inside of your head is a healthy thing. So sometime in the last week, my birth mother came at me with plenty of anger on display. She first started off with "You got something to say to me?" Now I look up from my task of putting nails properly into a secure container and I believe she's playing around. But to my amazement she was serious.

She immediately follows with "Stop posting shit about me on Facebook!" Then she went on to accuse me of telling her friends about her past. She said she'd received texts from 3 people sharing my specific posts about she and I. One thing that one person wrote was true, I did ask everyone how they deal with familial situations involving relationships that were falsely titled. I believe I used the phrase "For example, say your uncle is actually your brother."

I searched for the exact quote and I found it. And to quote myself...

"Jolee Summerville- Question: Does anyone have a family member that does not properly acknowledge your existence to others? For instance, say you have a brother, and he's actually in reality, your uncle, but refuses to tell others the truth. What in the heck do you do with that?"
Blog on this very ridiculous issue coming later. :)

The aforementioned comment was written on August 23rd.

"Jolee Summerville Well it was fun until the drama queen had to make a scene... I'll go where I please, and Jerrie is not just my sister. Everyone who needs to know it, knows it."

This aforementioned comment was written on August 30.

This was after a night of so called debauchery. I went to Hooters (first time woohoo!) with Preston, who is a year older than I. After that we went to what my birth mother calls "her bar." Apparently, according to her, I was dirty dancing (when did the electric slide become dirty?) and drinking way too much. I also, according to her, pulled out a 100 dollar bill and tipped the bar tender a 20 dollar bill.

This did not happen, although I believe I gave him a five. Because earlier that evening I had pulled twenty dollars from the atm. The next day the bill had been "broken." Preston offered to pay for the meal and for our beers at the bar. I never took out a hundred and I have documentation to prove my statements.

In the conversation which was actually filled with more comments such as "It is not about you." I replied with "Obviously!" She also screamed to my grandmother, who was corresponding from across the room, "You treat her like a 12 year old, so do it now! You let her get away with it!" She went on to say "I do not tell people about my past," as well as "I'm grown and you're a grown ass woman so I will hit you." In which I responded with "Get out of my face right now." In retrospect, I should have let her hit me and called the police. Something I do unfortunately have experience with.

Now listen, I understand that in the heat of the moment, what prompted the actual argument I'm not sure, people say things they do not exactly mean. I'm positive she'd had someone texting her misconstrued words from my posts. The reason I am writing this blog with such tenacity is because I cannot stand hiding. I know that somewhere out there, my friends are going through something similar.

This case is quite astounding for anyone to understand simply because I am to be kept a secret. I do not understand the psychology behind this nor the motive around it. How can one acknowledge 3 of 4 children with such ease? I was not there when I was conceived and technically I was mentally absent from my birth. So I cannot ever fully understand.

I have a whole wonderful future ahead of me and I will present all that is good before the eyes of others. I will comfort those I love, and those in need. I will bestow compassion to everyone I meet. This is what I want to focus on. My past is me and I am my future. Everywhere I go I carry with me my mind. And at times, I am distracted from my goals.

The reason I got into such detail is because I need to be able to recount this later on. I do not want pity, but sympathy or just perhaps, some empathy would be nice. And I know there are many out there suffering worse than I have. They have no food, no shelter, no water and are plagued with disease. So I do not want to be labeled as a sob story.

I hope this brings closure to me and my familial issues. And I have faith that my creator will reach out and provide us with symbiotic resolution! I dearly pray for peace and love to fill our home soon.

From my heart to yours, I wish you all the love, light and peace (and abundance!) that the world will hand out.

Cordially,
(Donette) aka: Jolee Summerville

And since you know you cannot see yourself,
so well as by reflection, I, your glass,
will modestly discover to yourself,
that of yourself which you yet know not of.

With Or Without You

"See the stone set in your eyes, see the thorn twist in your side. I'll wait for you."

What happens when two people live together who are simply related by blood, is they usually have very different goals. And most often they disagree on even the smallest of issues. Most of these pesky problems are easy to deal with. But what happens when the other person's goals and decisions seem possibly detrimental to your self-esteem and image? Do you hold your ground, state your opinions boldly, (but kindly) and just deal with the discord you've created? Or do you silently and faultlessly keep your disgruntlements and bear the heavy weight on your own?

I have to say that in the past 9 years I've resorted to trying both stances. I've been silent but then at times, I've exploded in resentment. I guess the biggest problem is stating my suppositions in a socially acceptable manner. The thing is, there is one person in the situation who does not allow me to express my beliefs without disparaging me.

Misunderstanding my views is not even what can be used to describe it. It's more like the unwillingness to comply with my views. This person can handle things in such an immature and repugnant way that it churns within my thoughts. I come up with "How did I become the catalyst to induce such ignorant and childish behaviour?" I also wonder "What did I do or say that made this person react this way?"

I always look back and review what was said, and see how I can fix it to make the other person feel better. It's never been about me really, according to said person. I never feel appreciated for what I have contributed to this life of this person. Maybe they feel as if I am a burden, and surely enough a regret. I lay the situation in God's hand now and ask for guidance to sail ahead through more choppy waters.

I have to say that my safety has not been compromised, but my emotional welfare and security have been chalked to nothing. I feel as though the good Lord will carry me through the tough, no doubt histrionic, incident as he's done before. I just know that I will receive some advice, though may it be verbose, it will be composed of strong and wise words to direct me in handling this and any other given situation in a promising manner.

PS to my B.M.: So with or without you, I'm seriously making some big changes and they will include my say and my decisions. This does directly affect me even though you say it's not about you, because if I weren't here, THAT is when it would sufficiently not be about moi.

Love, Light and as always, Peace. :)
Jolee Summerville

My Biggest Lesson

As I sit here and listen to the mid-August cicadas sing to attract a mate, it is seldom far from my mind that this is what I like to do as well. I am watching the sun set here in the Midwestern state of Missouri and I'm thinking back to the many previous sunsets I hatve been privileged to see in other states recently. Most notably, in the very state of California. I am also watching the sun set over the beach on my "Gmail" page! It's so amazingly breathtaking to see the differences in God's paints in many parts of this grand nation. Though the beach is my absolute favorite place to be and I consider it home, I do believe I've shared some great experiences with family right here in the Southeast and even up Northeast int the past 3 months! I'm excited to announce that this year will be ended on a better note than the previous as I will most likely be able to enjoy it more.

I'm planning big things for 2011 but I do realize that I need to "swim" on past Summer and next Autumn before I even go to the new year! The leaves will be turning colors soon, and the falling to the cooler grounds below. Unfortunately that wont be happening for another 8 weeks from now or possibly even longer! And I pray the heat will subside very quickly. But until then I will be busy preparing to return to (online) school and starting driving myself places again. (sigh) I'm ready to venture out into the real world again and give up on meeting others steep expectations. Because, after all, this is all about me.

That said, I also want to point out that I'm getting more and more involved with the local community to support VolunteerKC.org which puts willing participants in touch with coordinators who need help in all different areas. I'm excited about working with Children's Mercy hospital as well as St. Luke's to greet visitors and answer any questions they may have about their surroundings. I'm all set up in the job department which makes me feel better about saving some time to help others. That way, I will never get bored and I get to serve up smiles! And it's inexpensive. (If you do not count jacked up gas prices!)

Another way I am opening up is now I am interviewing (well, sort of) vocal coaches. Because if you know me, you know I enjoy performing very much. Singing is one aspect of putting on a good show and I'm so glad I've found the courage to return to my roots. I just need a bit of support and that's always a wonderful thing. The idea is to socialize with people other than co-workers and family all the time. It's a beautiful time when friends get together to have some good, clean fun. Mini golf and go-karts anyone? And perhaps while enjoying a bath at home (wait, when do I take baths?) maybe even grab a glass or two (or three) of relaxing Pinot Noir. No one else I know appreciates wine, but let me tell you, beer gets old and I do not prefer hard liquor so I'm glad to get a whole box to myself! Yes, I do believe in tippin' and sippin'!

Alcohol aside, life has finally in some ways calmed down, but still we all must deal with familial stresses as well as work-related issues. I hope anyone who's reading has taken the time to really observe and report. Really get down to the priorities in life! For me, it's playing and working all while trying to get back to that home spot in which I relish the alone time the most! The beach!

Keep working hard and pursuing your own goals. After all, it is ALL ABOUT YOU! (Hence, the title, My BIGGEST lesson!)

Love, Light and yes, more Peace.

Jolee.

"Jolee's Back, All Right!"

I've been paying plenty of attention to clarify my soul. I dont think anyone else minds except when it's convienient. They make thier points and objections on various decisions I need to make, but it's in one ear and out the otha' for me. I have to be my own guide. I've gotten much thicker skin and a better toned body in the last 3 months. I put my mind to it and it's happening. The world is at my feet and I'm ready to gather it up. No matter where my journey takes me, I will always carry with me some extra sweet memories as well as some bitter ones which remind me how to navigate the sometimes choppy waters of life. I will always remember that somewhere out there, in many places to be certain, people in masses are suffering. They are truly struggling to survive thier hardships. Many of these people maintain hope and kindness. They understand that you get back what you put out.

I'm not worried about me at all, because at this moment, I am free. I am more open to handle whatever is thrown my way, whether that be unemployment or stinky family members!!! I'm more worried about those who cannot seem to overcome the daily stresses of family life. I guess I'm just praticing my patience temperament here! I know in my heart that I am safe, happy, loved and healthy, and many of my loved ones are as well. I wish nothing but peace and harmonious flow to everyone I cross paths with. We all deserve a little happiness.

I am now at a place in my head where I can look in the mirror as I put my face on, and see the real me. I'm happy with the progress I've made and I know I can do better! Who's with me?! My goals for June is to 1) explore different sources of income & expression and, 2) spread some summer cheer!!!!

I'll leave you with this thought... "Patience, persistance, and perspiration make an unbeatable combination for success." ~ Napoleon Hill

Love, Light and Peace.
Jol

Writing more and more...

I want to write this document with conviction, and dignity. I don't want to slander anything or mince my words. I want to be open, honest without giving too much.

"I'm so bruised right now. And I cannot deny the symptoms. Manic, circular thinking, paranoia, suicidal thoughts, proactive thoughts, insomnia, lack of emotion, outbursts of hysteria, headaches, muscles aches, loss/gain of appetite. I sound like a big "complaint" box. I have to get out of here, this world is making me ill! But after having gone through the accident and being, jobless, no car, in a basement, albeit in a much better location, I'm exhausted. I still have the decency to know I will be just fine. People out there have it so much worse! I've 'got to keep my head up, gotta hold my hands up, gotta keep on breathin'. Thank you Britney for the inspiration!"

"I'm at a stand still on moving back home. I owe these idiots (oops) but I'm not too worried. I know they're all gonna DIE when I tell them the news. It's gotta be soon. I've got a job and I've got will. I'll be home before summer's end! "What now, what now?" Oh Kaci Brown, I love your beautiful soul! CA or Bust?" - April 18th, 2009

I write again on May 10th and then on July 26th, after I moved (or 'displaced myself'). And it's a much different head space. A floaty one.

Overall, I can see in my writings a young, motivated, somewhat confused woman who can take care of herself.

And after rereading this, it's obviously confusing and not the point. I mean to say that I don't think I can surrender to my life I'd previously had. This is a reminder to keep your bridges up, but burn them if needed! I have to say, that time has come. No looking back. "Purge all thoughts of the life you knew before." Once again, music holds my hand in this and every lifetime! Thanks to Mr. Webber and Mr. Butler for this fine piece of art...

I leave you with this... Blessed be my friends and loved ones. I want peace for us all.

Love. Light. Peace.
Jolee

Hide And Seek - Proving A Point

I cannot even begin to describe how my life has changed or even how my day went. I'm practically speechless at the moment. I just got off of the telephone with a ol' family member and I was prompted to write about it. I need to make a point.

There are certain facts I know. There's a moon and a sun. There's the ocean which I love. There's laughter in every Gerard Butler film. (Trust me there is something funny in each movie, we're counting one certain male friend and I!) And there are the new facts that you've recently discovered. Those facts that you keep saying "Really? Seriously? Seriously?" to. And after a while a few things start to confirm that fact. And sometimes either one thing distinguishes for good if it is fact or a fallacy.

As of April 2009 I had decided that I was crazy. Mentally ill all over if you know what I mean. My body was exhausted from my mental illness and of course this was all self projected at the time. I was paranoid, anxious and nervous, frequently moody or disturbed, into a state of tears and shakes sometimes.

I remember one day it was still chilly outside because I was on my way with my sister to drop off a laptop to some man she'd sold it to on Craigslist, and of course I had no coat on. "I'm always COLD!" (Huh not anymore!) I was completely distracted because I was on the phone with my grand MOTHER and falling apart second by second. I ended up sobbing while rehashing the events that occurred the night before which included a phone call to my incarcerated uncle. My sister told the truth about a car someone had bought for me. I was devastated to say the least. 3rd times a charm. She got me out of her life for good then didn't she? :I

I believe this was around the time my 2nd step-grandfather had passed away. I was overwhelmed with working 35 hours a week at Denny's, having a full time school load, grieving, and being abused by my loved ones. I was, like I said 'exhausted.' I have to admit I wasn't very strong then. I looked for a crutch or a solace anywhere I could.

I have to stop myself right here. I could go on and on about that awful, disgusting time I lived in. There have been so many times before that. I'm writing this to prove a point. That I am really moving on and letting go. In so many ways! DELUSIONAL is the right word but it was certainly aimed at the wrong Williams descendant! For those who haven't been informed of this delightful piece of ol' family trivia, my ancestory (on my maternal side) dates back to William Penn in England, is where the aforementioned name was derived from.

My point is this... I am not delusional. If you REREAD my words in the first 4 paragraphs (which I have done before I posted this) it is all TRUE. There are no names, not needed. "You guys were so right about that." (One thing big whoop.) But the rest of it is my life. I was raised by my loving step-grandfather Ernest and honest grandmother Donna Atkins. For 13 years of my life they were married; never divorced. (I'm not mocking I swear. Just read on.) It's all I've ever known. I've been sheltered and protected there's no doubt. But for those same 13 years I was always left out of the loop. The VERY big freaking loop. "Keep hur duhmb and ny-eeeeve."

But now I'm stronger! I may have a lot of issues... ay let me count them... and I'm better than everyone perceived me to be, but I'm not bitter and I'm not angry. In fact I'm very happy and not so delusional. I cant read the stories above with false titles. I will no longer succumb to that secret any longer. I will no longer be that same girl they once described as "erratic, stoned out cunt" by well, a complete psychopath.

I've made new self-fulfilling prophecies and they're all positive and some are even fescennine! ("Look it up!" as Mrs. Farran, my fiesty, SVC, English teacher would say...) I was going to use 'scatological' but no one I know (except for T!) has even seen "The Ugly Truth" yet! Ha ha he he ha ha ho!

I used to say to Jules that "my futa's so bright, I need some shades!" And it totally rings true today! I AM FREE!

Now on to therapy... ;)

Love, Light and Peace... Blessed be everyone (especially those named in this blog, I love you!)

Donnie aka "Jolee Summerville"

Ambiance...

"The special atmosphere or mood created by a particular environment."

This is nothing new to me. I know the definition of ambiance, but when do we ever stop and look around to see the true specialty of the environment that surrounds us? I've been here, there and many other places and at times the world seems horrifying and daunting. And in other parts it is absolutely heaven. Although I believe you are your environment, 'obstackles' do occur! Even though we may not always see the good in a situation or get what we want, we can always find peace in the fact that the true beauty is there. And if you're determined enough, you'll see it in every form.

I've been living my life with purpose for the past few weeks even though it feels like I could die at any moment. Anyone who's ever tried supporting themselves after years of tears and shelter-ation (Yes, I think I made up another word!) knows that it's a mental process. To keep your spirits up when it feels like the whole world is about to shake and crumble is a tough but enlightening gift.

I used to think it was all about acting. But then I realized you dont have to put a mask on when you're not at work. Not that that is any excuse for anyone to go out and be a rude and cruel individual because of a slightly less-than-happy mood. It's wierd some things just come naturally to you but other things tend to slip away. It's funny the things you notice in retrospect.

Obviously I could have handled the past year a lot better, but I do think I'm taking it easier than I did after my 'father' figure Ernest passed away in 2001. I had some support after that and probably have more now because I'm not in the midst of my personal lair any longer. Wait a second, isn't a lair for wild animals? Ohhhh that's right, I'm a lioness!!

There have many so many disappointments in the past twelve months but much learning and positive cognizance has also come from it. I'm gaining more and more strength as the days flash by. Just when I believe I have nothing left in me, my guide reminds me I am here for a reason. I am here to show everyone compassion and love. I am not however here to be walked on and abused. It's hard to 'purge all thoughts of the life you knew before." (I had to quote The Phantom Of The Opera in at least ONE blog!) It's been a long 20 years.

Now that I'm entering my 21st year of life I can see myself from the past how much I've changed. There are still so many developments occuring that I wont see thier outcome for a while but it's amazing what the brain does for you. Lately I've had the worst guilty conscience but I know it's because all that has been injected into my mind has been somewhat calculated and manipulative. I've been deceived and I've also done some myself. But I dont want to be a deceiver any longer! I'm a strong believer in positive thinking and only I can moniter my thoughts.

"Oh oh letting go. There's nothing in the way now. Oh letting go, there's room enough to fly. And even though, she's spent her whole life waiting. It's never easy letting go."

OH Suzy Bogguss, have you been through this too??!! (How completely f-ing ironic.) And wierd. I've been hearing that song since the time I was born... well not really but you get the picture... 18 years is about right!

I want to point out that while I miss my old peoples in the ol' Midwest, uh... that's all I got. I dont think I can say what I mean, because it's obvious I'm at a loss for words. It's not goodbye to the people, it's goodbye to the perspective, to 'Donette's' whole shallow perspective. I know for some that doesn't make sense, or it sounds like MPD, but I assure you I'm not crazy or delusional, at least not now anyways!!

I'm a woman now. Not a little naive, well-protected little child. And I'm flying. ;)

This blog is dedicated to all of the "Donette's" of the world, so to speak. May you live long, bring peace to your life and your loved ones, and MOST OF ALL be happy!

Love, Light and Paz,

Jolee Summerville x0x0