Anyways, enough about work. I will now pause and take a moment to share with you the past few challenges. Day 26 asks me to tell you places I want to visit before I die. I have so many wonderful places to choose from so I'm going to make it simple and say "Out of America!" That's my biggest goal in life is to travel to new countries, experience new cultures and embrace the differences we share.
Day 27 requires of me to tell you why I am currently partaking in the 30 Day Challenge itself. I got the idea from Ali, a sweet high school friend of mine and I decided it would be a lot of fun and that I would learn plenty about myself during the days. I found out that even though procrastination is my middle name, I also have a bit of a slacker in me as well and perhaps you must not leave out, forgetfulness should be added via hyphenation! I promise it wasn't because I wanted to, it was merely just out of plain silliness. I didn't schedule it on my to-do lists and thus, is the reason I couldn't complete it in a timely manner.
I did try my best only slipping two or three times. (Laugh) I know. I'll do better in the next challenge! I'm hoping it will be as fun and educational as this. For me at least, I did learn quite a bit about myself in the past 35 some odd days.
Day 28 asks me to share two photos, one of which is of me last year at this time and one of me in the present space.
This was taken around this time last year. The only difference is I have a brighter hair colour, I worked a totally different job and I was 1,800 miles from where I am now, geographically speaking.
That was the first time I'd ever carved a pumpkin myself. I'd probably seen Ernest do it once when I was younger, but my young uncle caused a lot of ruckus in the neighborhoods we lived in, which caused home damage via pumpkins, toiletries, etc. So we ditched the idea and I for one was terrified of costumed people especially Chuck E Cheese and other "animaled" characters. And clowns, oh man, they were the worst. I've been to the Circus once in my life and it was plenty. I'm hoping I can take my kids one day and show them how to face your fears of the unknown!
This year, I am totally in a melancholic tone. My world is focused solely on my recovery as an addict and taking care of my now terminally ill grandmother. I am in such a different mental mode. Last year I was scared because I wasn't sure about my job, my home life, and all other worries that I encountered. I wasn't sure of anything and this year is different. I am sure that I will not be thrown to the wolves, if not mentally, then physically speaking. I am also positive that I am who I am.
I will not change for anyone, but I do realize I am still growing up. I may have matured in a few ways, but there is a hell of a lot in this world I know not of. I have so much to learn and that scares me but I'm strong enough to brush it off. If people are surprised by my, of what is sure to be many more, first time experiences, I have ruled I cannot let it put a damper on my mood at the time.
I have a right to feel the emotions I please and that is a major difference between this year and last. I felt very humbled last year but also I felt very recluse. I felt that if I had a bad day, I wasn't able to show it. And not because the paparazzi were bugging me, (I wish) but simply because those around me knew I was sinking and felt the need to criticize me for "taking out my feelings on them." In their eyes, I was unable to help them in anyways because of how I felt at the moment. I hate that. I hate that my family, my loved ones could not and would not count on me, even for something as simple as directions.
We were all going through stressful times then but I could not help the situation, I only made it worse. I hope their loves ones will forgive me, and believe that most days I tried my absolute hardest. Even in the end I tried not to stay in bed all day and let my emotion consume me. I doubt I'll be given a 3rd chance to try and recover the past memories. But I simply would like to think that we all did our best, and we managed.
We tried to get 4 beautiful babies, er- kids through a really hard time in their lives and we survived. Somehow we pulled together and they're the better for it. As far as I know, they're dealing really, really well. At times I sob because I knew leaving them was absolutely the hardest thing to do. I knew it would be a long time, deep down, I knew it. I was in such denial about many things. I pray everyday for guidance and I hope they greet me with at least smiles the next time we embrace.
To Abigail, Olivia, William and Julia, I am forever grateful for your existences and I pray the Lord keeps your from harm. I also hope to see you again very, very soon.
All my love to everyone reading and corresponding. Your letters of encouragement are marvelously inspiring.
Blessed be.
Love, Light and Peace,
Jolee Summerville
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