Dreams, Cheating & Other Issues...

Imagine a day where you have finally found the person you want to dedicate your life to. Think about how happy and loving you are towards one another and how you choose to stay committed. Dream up the perfect scenario of the day you move in together and have settled on making the perfect little home for each other. Now flash forward a few months later after vulnerabilities have presented themselves and the shroud of mystery is slowly peeled away. Here's where the real work begins.

Living life together as men and women is as perfect a grand design as there ever could be. God truly made us to be balance in life and to learn to co-exist peacefully. Though I'd say in society there still seems to be many struggles with equality not only between sexes but also races and social status. But as always hope is still instilled in many of us and we strive to make our piece of the world better daily.

In that quest for love and acceptance, I have encountered different personalities that allow for such wonderful possibilities! I have finally found fabulous friends and hope to learn and grow to love them better. I am not only a people pleaser but I am also an inquisitive mind that wishes to capture as much information as possible in order to fulfill my purpose. I tend to use modern tools like the internet to find the answers I seek.

This past week I've been dealing with a semi-conflicting personality from a male that I've come to truly admire. It sounds contradictory but after a few months we start to see thought patterns emerge from within and manifests itself as a behavior. And this is what I have observed. I have heard over the past few weeks snarky comments about my time spent outside the home.

Not only have I heard comments but I've also heard reports of fears creeping into dreams. So much creeping, in fact, that my loving boyfriend has awoken twice now majorly perturbed! The sandman has not been kind sadly and the reports are quite disturbing. In the dream I was cheating with two males at a bar and then proceeded to make waffles for them.

Now to be totally honest much of this dream, although highly irrational, has been instigated by sudden fears brought upon for what the male describes as "no reason, really." He can't figure out why he's so upset with me or why these dreams are even a possibility. We've had many a discussion involving this topic of cheating and while I find it constructive to communicate (and fully encourage him to use his words as juvenile as it sounds) I find myself growing more frustrated and mad back!!!!

In order to maintain the peace I do all the sappy love talking/affectionate kissing I can without him going "Oh my gosh" at me. I have not felt love like this for a while so for me it's just completely incomprehensible that I would willingly wreck it so quickly! Perhaps I need to step it up!

I had to do some research on this to not feel so alone. I know how common a fear this really is so I'm not cray obsessive over it but I do want to be informed and try to do my part in ensuring peace of mind for my lovely. I am a fanatic of dream searching and seeing why we dream the things we do. I truly find peace in the fact when I find the possibilities. It means that I am closer to solving the mystery!

Dreams happen for many reasons. In the words of Dr Scott Haltzman, "theories range from wish fulfillment, to random neurological discharge of the brain cells, to mastering an emotional state you can’t handle while awake." For many of us we cannot accomplish our communication goals until we know what we are trying to say. Simply because you dream something doesn't imply the actions are being carried out in reality. According to the aforementioned doctor, "there’s no scientific evidence that dreams reveal hidden actions of others. Ironically, if anything, they may reveal your own hidden wishes: have you been thinking about fooling around outside the [relationship?]"  

Here are some questions to ask yourself and your loved one before throwing a fit of rage:

• How can I know you are faithful to me?
• What limits do you set on others of the opposite sex who might be attracted to you?
• Are there situations in which you’d be at risk for having an affair?
• Do you have needs in our relationship that I’m not meeting that would make you more likely to seek comfort with someone else?
• If you were ever to have an affair, how would we be able to talk about it?

 I plan on taking initiative to make sure my man knows I am committed to making him happy and feel loved and accepted always. I hope some of you may have feedback or opinions regarding relationships, cheating, communication or what have you! I look forward to seeing your responses and wish you all the best. It's still Winter out there so remain calm and be cautious! 

Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee Summerville

President's Day 2013

Well well well the time has once again, arrived for us to remember those in office that we have cherished, mocked and ultimately lost. I took a moment of silence as I prepared two delicious meals for my daycare kids and was actually interrupted (for the 17th time in 5 minutes) when little Johnny asked me again why I wasn't answering his burning question about the aforementioned food. I explained to him that I was praying for the current President Barack Obama to have a good day and that we needed to especially be thankful for the works of Presidents past!

He wasn't terribly intrigued I could tell. But later as we were clearing our plates and cleaning up Jon asked me who my favorite leader is. I told him about my admiration for Barack as he literally was the first man I ever voted for. I even studied the 2008 election. I almost didn't go for Obama but a few deeper looks into his books I decided I had to support this Midwestern man and his loving, supportive family. They have impressed me with their class and kindness in the past 4 years. I also told Jon that while Barack is known as "the first African-American Commander-in-Chief" he is to be remembered for plenty more than that!

Politics and science are definitely not my strong suits, especially when put together but even I got awesome grades on my papers in my first semester at college. Yet I managed to fail the class because of horrible exam scores! I do have interest in it though as I do believe we are affected by our leader's actions. They are the shining example of how to lead and thank God they all have different ways of doing it!

I am excited to say that for the next few Holidays (Easter, St Patrick's Day, 4th of July) I will be celebrating nearly on my own as I have a General Manger for a boyfriend. I am sure my friends will let me join in on their fun times and I am known to make my own... ahem... Suspicious Monkey anyone...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ShqlS5hHGw&list=PLD131271CF42ECDD0&feature=mh_lolz

Enjoy your week everyone and remember I put out new blogs every Monday. Please feel free to follow and post your own thoughts and stories!

Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee Summerville

Burning Bridges Just To Rebuild Them

I am not in any sense a true carpenter. I do however recall that in my junior year of high school, a team of freshman and myself came up with a plan to build a trebuchet. Now I know many of you are asking "What in the world is a trebuchet?" In fact I'm surprised I actually remembered the proper terminology for what our ancestors called a catapult!

What then, brothers? When you come together, each one has a hymn, a lesson, a revelation, a tongue, or an interpretation. Let all things be done for building up. - 1 Corinthians 14:26

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately and decided to return to my roots of Christianity. Whether we like it or not, our lively guardians protect us in many ways. My parents were an older couple who were in fact concocted of my maternal grandmother and (primary) step-grandfather. I never had the opportunity to experience an understanding, open and educational environment at home and I could tell from a young age that I was to be seen and not heard. And the sight really wasn't all that lovely until I lost the coke bottle glasses in 2nd grade!

I have been Buddhist, Catholic and Baptist. I was technically raised as a practicing Baptist but as my life progressed and certain traumatic events were cemented into my brain I started to question how God could be cruel to me and why I had to endure so much at such a young age with very little guidance. Somehow I made it through my teen years with very little fallout or legal consequence.

I am now truly aware that God was sending me on my own journey to find myself. He was teaching me to question what my family had taught me and to see if it was in accordance with His plans not theirs. He is still guiding me to the woman I know I need to be in order to fulfill His purpose. I know now that my goals have changed and evolved for the better.

Since I am reassured knowing that God is really in control and that I am not I am able to continue on my merry little way. That way I can really focus in on my personal mistakes and change the image I see of myself. I am trying to use the gospel to show me where I have wronged others and what I need to do in order to mend those fences if possible.

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. - Colossians 3:16

I have a long road ahead of me and a lot of people to build up. The plan is to catapult myself into a new life of Godliness-filled ambition! I am actively praying for guidance and peace of mind not just for myself but for my enemies and loved ones as well. My newest motto is all about love and acceptance. 

My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world. And by this we know that we have come to know him, if we keep his commandments. Whoever says “I know him” but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him... 1 John 1-29 

I am excited in the coming days to share the lessons I've learned from the good book and from life itself. I am happy to share it with you and get your feedback! Have a blessed day, slap on a smile and love hard!

Love, light & Peace,
Jolee Summerville

Over 2 years!

It has been indeed only been a mere 2 years (give or take a few months) since I have written anything of real substance. I am beyond caring who and why they read what I post but please note that I take into account every single comment and blurb on any site I'm linked to. This compulsion for attention comes from a lack of a proper (according to me) family structure. I absolutely need to feel like I'm heard by my loved ones and that includes YOU.

For some unknown reason you decided to encounter an entertaining blog about moi and I'm going to do my best to deliver. Since I've not written in a while and I do not want to start where I left off, left me explain how life is going now.

Silly Love Songs
I made a HUGE move. And in my life, change has never been insanely greeted with warmth. But I have recently moved into my boyfriend's house in an attempt to make peace amongst myself and others. I simply wanted a soft place to fall. I believe God had been weaving a windy road to prepare for when this move became official. I am now officially in an "amasing" place. By the s in amasing I mean I am FREELY singing like, as in, OUT LOUD. I am emphatically grateful for the love, attention and encouragement I receive daily from my man, Joe. You have already bettered me and accepted me and for that I thank you!

Cough Syrup|Shake It Out 
Around the last time I wrote a blog I was living with my sister, her husband & their 3 kids and working super full time. I do mean pulling 60 hours weeks as a server then I had to donate time in the mornings to watch the younger 2 while my siblings did work and school. For a while it worked, and after about 6 months and 1 move together I was at my wits end. By the Summer of 2012 I was out of there and living with some amaing Christians named Jeremy and Genger. I was blessed enough to meet them at a random Primerica Licensing class in August of 2011.

Immediately I integrated slowly into their lives and started forming a, what I believed, as an unbreakable bond. We got along in every area and Genger even trusted me to help with her home daycare when I was able to lift my butt out of bed. I did not take advantage of all the fun we could have had and now I find myself angry for doing so, simply because I thought sleep was most important and well, in those months it was. I had left my job then wen straight back as I thought I couldn't contribute to the household without funds.

Little did I know that we would surely have to move once again in the Fall of 2012, but this time I revisited my old Independence stomping grounds where my only remaining grandparent resides. It worked okay for a while but my patience wore thin as I quickly learned that my helpful-Cinderella attitude was being abused and taken sadly, for granted. I also realized how utterly alone I was in that care taking position. Not only did it hurt to see that I was the only one willing but it was slightly empowering to know that I am the ONLY ONE capable to do the job.

I couldn't handle the crap and escorted myself into a tiny apartment with my awesome aforementioned friends and their lovely 2 kids. I landed a job at a daycare (it seems I'm good with kids usually) and worked in a very treacherous and unwelcoming environment. I lasted a mere 3 months, not because I'm weak but because I didn't deserve the angst of going to what should've been a peaceful and fun place to be. I finally got depressed enough to move back into my grandparent's home and let the abuse continue which is when I started making terrible choices.

That's when my friends split up (in a shocking and heartbreaking ordeal that is still brewing) and I had to break free of my chains. I couldn't stand being as low as I was. I felt like the piece of pot-smoking crap that my own family disowns. I finally had the encouragement as I let Joe in more and more. Piece by piece, he reassured me that I deserved happiness and love. I did not need make myself feel guilty because I was doing what I thought was right by my grandparent. I only tried to make peace amongst ourselves and hoped the rest of my family would follow suit. And oh boy, did I meet a resistance like I've never encountered!

Give Your Heart A Break
I moved in with Joe and things seemed to look 10x better already. Little did I know that this was the exact moment in my transition from "Donette" to "Jolee." I am finally free to be myself and live for myself. I figured in excluding many others who's motives are detrimental to me that I would make headway for better relationships elsewhere. I was so wrong as I learned in the coming weeks that no matter how hard you try, you cannot ever make someone want to be there. You can be the most kind-hearted, thoughtful and embracing person ever but there will always be someone manipulative enough to try and frame you for a crime or make it seem as if you are insensitive and too needy to be around. I have given up. I SURRENDER! I give up all my family disgruntlement and upsets to God. All I can do is pray that God sees me for my true self and brings out the good IN US ALL.

Everybody Wants To Rule The World
"Nothing ever lasts forever." Music is truly my living source, not oxygen! I'm sure if you drowned me in water but played music, I'd come back just to fight and hear the song. Now actually most of the subtitles in this blog are Glee covers, and they are incredibly inspiring, and yes most are Blaine Warbler songs! (Cause he's my favorite, if you didn't know! I am looking forward to ruling my own world with the music I love and gope to make this the year that Jolee finally gets back to the piano and writing! We've got the space in our lovely little home and I certainly have the time.

But back to YOU, my dear sweet angel faced reader. You are the reasons I am continuing writing. I feel so much better now and I love confiding in you. Your feedback and opinions are always welcome and encouraged to be constructive not rude! :)

I wish you all the love, light and peace in the universe my dolls! Have a marvelous week and enjoy each other!

Love, Light and Peace,
Jolee

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wC4mhnKnuI
Glee's Darren Criss singing "Everybody Wants To Rule The World"

Time Capsule-A Hidden Blog

 9\23\11 - My words from September 23rd, 2011

Hello all! (The two or three readers who will actually read this...)
I wish to welcome you all back to my blog, which has not been fully taken care of, obviously since this past Winter. And I feel so ashamed because it's now been like 10 months since I've posted. To be fair, life has been hectic and my personal journal is lacking proper ramblings as well. So please do not feel left out!

I started this blog with the full intention to keep everyone who cares updated on the ever-changing shades of my life and mainly it has been a cathartic release for my simply little brain. I feel like the life lessons never stop, and boy have I endured my share this past year! I've moved around several times, (even had my own studio for 6 months, and severely struggled), had another car crap out on me. You know, 2/4 ain't bad... the other 2 I wrecked myself so I can only blame myself for those auto mishaps.

Now I am currently living with my lovely family members (who shall remain nameless for their own sanity and well let's face it mine too) and their fabulously crazy 3 boys. The ages currently are 6 1/2, 4 1/2 and 10 amazing months old baby B! They give me such joy and such grief as the eldest child loves to act like a 12 year old. It's like "Holy cow, stop growing into a preteen!" And the middle child is as sweet, funny and silly as ever. Baby B is just crawling all over, teething like a madman, and got his first ear infection just this week!

In between the times I'm not working my "normal/mediocre" job (See Kate Gosselin's latest GMA interview, lol) I am watching the brood, cleaning and laundering and all that goes with being a domestic auntie. Currently I'm enduring a nasty sinus infection and the one day break has been helpful, though I wish I could help out more. And by help out I mean doing the household chores that no one simply cares about.

I have to be completely honest when I tell you that I used to be lazy. Not very lazy but just in general. I now see why rinsing the dishes and putting them in the empty dishwasher is vital to keeping stress reduced! I cannot cannot cannot cook or relax until the kitchen is clean. And ugh, let me tell you, no one here uses 1 glass a day! I'm further looking into my own betterment and one of the ways I overcame my negative laziness was to find a model and listen closely.

Much of the modeling has come from my own birth mother who does always keep a neat house. The other model has for the past 2 years been Kate Gosselin. If you know me, you know I have a thing for famous people, and only certain ones for that matter. I'm not going into the details of why I'm a fan or supporter of the Gosselins because that is a blog in and of itself. I just know that I am grateful for a not so perfect model who in fact is a healthy one!

I have always said I want a large family ("just like 7 or so, adopted, fostered and perhaps one I birthed myself... maybe." To be exact!) and one of the ways I can get there is to improve myself. I know there's a lot of work ahead of me, but I am not a quitter anymore. I'm a winner and I want to win the race! I have to thank God for being my biggest fan and never failing to be there. For without Him, my world would absolutely crumble and I would be dead. For all the times I've wanted to just literally die, he's picked me up and been the voice in my head saying "Keep going! You have a wonderful future ahead of you. The only way to get there is to endure the good and the bad times!"

I pray you all are doing wonderfully and enduring your own good/bad times with perseverance and grace! Shine on my lovelies. :)

Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee Summerville

How To Avoid The Familial Clusterfizzuck

Hello again "followers," (I prefer supporters, by the way)

I write this blog post, not to add to the endless drama that seems to surround every millisecond of my family's lives, but rather to focus on my feelings about a new experience or rather the same experience but in a new world. I've changed for the better over the past 3 years and this blog is evidence to that. I want to reiterate that my posts are not to cause more pain and suffering on those who incorporate their selves shamelessly into my life all the while saying how negative I am. I am purposefully voicing my opinions on my own time, in my own home.

As I research people who have similar backgrounds meaning, being abandoned essentially, and I'm finding that more and more have said the pain never goes away but if you're determined enough you CAN get past it and live a healthy, productively normal life. It is all about your perspective and how you choose to deal with your issues. I myself have rough days and many more lately because I have not been forthcoming with all of my feelings.

And when I am open and honest I feel like I'm not being heard. And if I am being heard my words are literally being shoved aside.I feel like everyone has a rebuttal and I'm the annoyed but impatient stock buyer on the other end who is hesitant but says "Ok, let's try it." I have tried and tried and TRIED, (did I tell you I have TRIED) so so so hard to step back and let my family ask ME for once to be involved. I am still waiting for the call. I am still hoping they will miss me in time enough to say "Crap, I really should have not just asked her to help. Maybe I should've spent an hour or two a month with just her, cause she's is pretty marvelous after all. Plus I need a sitter next week and she doesn't charge." Oh wait, that already did happen. 

Now that I have made my feelings very clear on how I am treated by everyone in my large family (there are 43 including myself and the kids, and spouses and all that) I am still hurt but lowering my expectations to 0! I don't believe a change is coming anytime soon but for my the the waiting game is the absolute worst. I literally cry every day because I miss my nephews and I know they miss me. For now I shall live my life, doing right by others, working hard and playing hard. Because I fucking deserve it! (Oh sorry... I'll refrain from the anger words!) 

I know times are tough everywhere so I encourage you all to pray and love hard with me! We're in this TOGETHER!

Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee Summerville  

Multiple Occupations & Moving

I don't know about you, but in this economic climate, it appears even though I'm employed it doesn't necessarily mean I'm getting profitable hours in. I have two jobs at the moment, the ones that pay anyways, that are exciting and can be a lot of fun. But recently it's all come to a very slow crawl. Still, I am blessed with a roof over my head, food in my stomach and somehow I manage to pay many bills every month.

I'm proud to say I do pay with my own money and have only had to borrow from my grams twice. In my family, that's a record low! I am worried because I'm about to put down a large deposit on my own 1 bedroom apartment and that will be all good for four weeks. I'm worried that if my work doesn't pick up before then I will not be able to provide the roof any longer.

I'm smart enough to see that it's cheaper to take public transport but with crazy bus schedules and long routes, it's hard to get around here. There are several ways to conserve funds and pinch pennies. I'm excited to be learning how to truly take care of myself. I'm so grateful for all of my friends who are super supportive and have offered advice on apartment life.

I know God will gladly provide all my needs and that it is he who has total control over my life, not I. For that I am truly grateful. I am also understanding in the fact that these things do take time and he's very busy so patience is essential to my emotional well-being. This will be a large leap for me as I've never officially been truly on my own, all by my lonesome. I'm terribly excited and nervous as I'm sure plenty of you felt those feelings as you trekked out of your guardians' homes.

I've moved out before, and been with others and I've seen the communication it takes to run a household. I'm not discounting those experiences and I will cherish them forever. They taught me a lot about myself and how not to treat others, among many other things. I'm positive that if I remain on this road, and work harder than I thought possible, I will make it. I know I'm not the only one struggling to live so that's of great comfort.

If you have any tips or concerns please feel free to comment and share your wisdom! :)

It's a beautiful, cold day here... I hope it's just as peaceful where you are friends.

Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee

Last Chance, All Aboard!

I've not been one for writing much of anything worth reading in the past several weeks. I'm sorry friends, busy I've been! I'm in the throes of a passionate romance (ha ha, not really so dramatic) and working more than ever I knew possible! Among the house chores, added snow has more than doubled my at home list of to-do's. I've also been working with a new partner on Marketing ventures which has always been a dream for me to conquer with a minor degree in school.

In other words I've been adding some direction in my life. I'm paving a way for my future self, although at the end of the day I must always remind myself that I could be gone tomorrow, so why worry so much over things the universe has complete control of? I'm also moving towards moving, a single institution which can stress one out greatly. But if one remembers from a previous entry, I've also got a large desire to completely renovate this bed/bath I've been residence in for the last 8 months. I must be crazy!

I'm very excited about each and every opportunity I've been blessed with and I hope that they will continue! I hope to send out some photos soon, but as of right now My Canon has been ruined. Ah the lovely joys of Auntiehood. I hope everyone whom reads this has a chance to make their dreams become reality, with hard work, a budget and persistence, it will happen! This is your final chance to board the Happy With Life train!


Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee Summerville

http://www.crowncenter.com/Dining-DiningOverview/Index.htm

We Can Start Over

I've been realizing that everyday is a new start and that we all should use it to our advantage. We all possess the innate ability to renew our mind and bodies every evening or every waking moment I should say. I know you can do it, and so can I. That's just marvelous how much power we really hold.

I've also recognized that the only person who can positively respond to change is ourselves. Within our thoughts we commit to changing our attitudes. We can respond in a way that is appropriate and gentle. As the Martin Luther, a fabulous commentator in the 1500's stated in his lyrics,
"Kill thou not out of evil will,
Nor hate, nor render ill for ill;
Be patient and of gentle mood,
And to thy foe do thou good.
Have mercy, Lord."
And as Buddha put it in his words, the life which the scheme prescribed, though compatible with good citizenship and even conducive to it, is quite independent of it. It is also quite independent of caste, of social gradation, of distinctions such as that between priest and layman, between the learned and the ignorant, between gentle and simple, between rich and poor.

We all make daily sacrifices to others and unto ourselves. I'm insisting dearly beloved that you assist your hearts and be wealthy with a happy spirit. I wish you peace, no suffering and loving relationships. I wish nothing more than a productive and hard-working people in which we all strive for common ground to walk on.

This all comes from a sacred place that only the Universe can provide. I believe in sustainability and structure we do not flail, but we conquer. That is all I can leave you with in this present moment as my brain has decided to rest. It's going to be a long day, but I can feel a beautiful shift in my current attitude. Blessed be marvelous ones.

Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee

Winter Has Arrived

On this day, a gorgeously dreary Monday, it has been snowing here in Kansas City and in many other places in the U.S. A lot of Northeast of the States got rain and sleet while many just up North got snow and ice. It is now 2 p.m. and the sun is slowing making its descent into the milky Grey sky. People all over this area are either working, running errands or kids are anxiously waiting another hour before school's out. I however, am snuggled in bed with a slight headache.

I do have to admit that watching it snow was very pretty from our view at the Founder's Plaza at Arrowhead Stadium. We were a little frigid but had a blast. I have to tell you from Thanksgiving Day on, we've been busy around our house preparing for this cold, frosty weather. I've prepared two soups for days like this and they were Eggplant Parmesan, which we have eaten twice in 3 weeks and then Turkey Veggie soup. I believe it's just about time to put it on the stove for Soup Day. This also happens to be my house cleaning day.

So after the last loads of laundry are finished, I'll be in the kitchen for a little while warming up. And then I'll be able to get started on my winter craft idea, a brag book! I'm planning on using my scrap booking materials and photos to create some nice little gifts and just to keep me occupied. There's nothing more peaceful to me on this Earth than creating!

Have a blessed day!
Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee

Pray & Pray More

It's bee just a little while since I've posted anything of substance here and I thought I'd break the spell! I have a night off so to speak, I still need to do 2 more loads of laundry. Scratch that, it's 3 loads and it's 11 pm! I might just have to put it off until early morning. I did run several errands today with my lovely wee grandmommy. She went out in the wild today and just barely made it home.

I have gained much from learning to navigate negative environments and it will aide me whilst serving others. I am taking on more and more responsibilities as I progress and one of those includes not only paying bills on time and in a quality fashion, but taking out time to reach out to those in my community who are struggling. I have been studying different volunteer organizations and I've networked with a few people while on the clock as a patrol agent with CSC at Arrowhead Stadium. I can proudly say that Thanksgiving morning will be spent with Tyler, my 4 year-old nephew, and I serving elderly at a local shelter for these aging lovelies.

I believe his adorable dimples will be sweet enough, but he's already taken up the job of handing out beverages such as milk, juice and tea. I'm certain this gorgeous boy will grow up with some sense of what it means to help out. I want my nephews and someday, my own babies to learn from my responsible and productive example. I pray that my marvelous creator will provide me with even more opportunities in the future to prove my assertiveness serves a greater purpose.

Speaking of prayer, I've been doing a lot of that lately. Just whenever I think about it I think in a loving tone. "Lord, thank you for keeping me safe on my way to and from my destinations daily," "I pray you spread your love and tenderness around those I love and those you think of as deserving." I also pray for guidance, as explained in "Dear creator, I'm seriously suffering an emotional block right now. Please guide me with your love and patience, and provide me the correct actions and/or words to deal with this rough reality." That's probably been the biggest and most significant as of late.

There are many out there who experience immense difficulty just surviving every day. These people walk miles and miles while starving, literally and they don't complain. I pray for their country's speedy recovery. I pray they find peace on Earth!

I pray for you, dear reader and for your happiness to remain within your heart and soul. I pray we fulfill our purposes together and with a united stance. I want for us to bind our differences and show the world the compassion we share for one another. Let's get out there and really DO something. I want to be an example to all those willing to watch. I want to be a model of health, happiness, perseverance and diligence.

I look forward to your feedback and I'm interested in all you have to share. Thanks for reading! And Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee Summerville

Being At Arrowhead...

What is having a job at Arrowhead Stadium like exactly? I'll do my best to tell you with the next series of photos I've captured while on the clock.


Early morning glance of the field level.


Good morning Arrowhead!


This is the first stop on my tour of duty. On game days I'm in that large, poorly heated tent for about 3 hours.
(Pictures coming from inside soon!)


That's me. Sipping on coffee and not trying hard to be cheerful, even at 7 am!


This leads you from the Tower Gate entrance to the VIP elevators and Broadcast Lounge as well as one of Levy's kitchens.


Levy's makes a fantastic spread and occasionally they'll share with us security people.


This is from the Broadcast Lounge's perspective.


 If you go up the elevator to the 4th floor you'll find our Club Level. And trust me if you don't have club level tickets, we'll find out.There are also escalators to get back and forth from both levels.


If you follow the right directions and you were told to be here for a special dinner, such as UMKC held a few weeks ago, you're going to get a treat!


Chances are you'll see the exclusive Hunt family suite. Or the entrance to it rather.


It looks like this over at the Founder's Plaza on the opposite side of the stadium. By the way, those flowers are for the Concierge desks. They change weekly.


They have some lovely smelling eucalyptus lotion in these middle level restrooms.


Really, it's too much I know. I believe a white button down and black from the waist down is perfectly acceptable. That tie has got to go, therefore, so does the poorly cut blazer!


This is what a typical suite box looks like on the 4th floor. This is the same level as the Hunts' suite.


They're ready 5 days beforehand for the Pitt St vs Northwest this Saturday at 2 p.m. They're making me come in at 5 a.m. It's so cruel but still, so much fun!

So there's a little bit of what to expect in a day's work at Arrowhead as security. It's great for networking and connections. And the pay's not bad either. I'd look into it if I lived near or in Kansas City.

Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee Summerville

30DC - All's Well That Ends Well

I am finally at the end of my blogging challenge which I'm not exactly sure what the goal was. Was it to not procrastinate or to not cheat? Not exactly sure about it, but perhaps it's all about what your personal goals are. I'm told this is exactly what this last post is about.


I'm supposed to share 20 goals and a photo of myself. I'm not exactly sure how to word all of my goals since the seem pretty menial. I guess that's why they named it a challenge?! Here is a recent photo of me, and I'm going to share with you my goals.

1.) Schedule more work
2.) Make more connections
3.) Think more positively
4.) Do even more for others
5.) Create a specific and workable budget plan
6.) Get involved with more volunteer groups
7.) Attain more college credits
8.) Learn a new skill
9.) Learn a new language
10.) Retain living space
11.) Take care of a living thing
12.) Communicate what's necessary when necessary
13.) Be more steady with writing in journals
14.) Finish Blogs on time :)
15.) Sing more
16.) View more plays
17.) Think about further into the future, more often
18.) Finish a Blog?!
19.) Continue smiling
20.) Count blessings multiple times a day

There you FINALLY have it. Almost 2 weeks after the day the Challenge ended... I post the darn thing. Well thanks for sticking around to read them! I appreciate the feedback and all of your wonderful stories.

Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee Summerviller

Cold Weather... & More!

Here come come the sniffles, the mittens and gloves and best of all, scarves and boots. Of course with Christmas arriving I find it difficult to refrain from adding to my wish list! But I know that this season is all about giving and so I'm very focused on making that a reality for many others in this residential area. I'm excited to announce I'll be working in close proximity with 2 organizations this Autumn in order to prepare for several charity events, Arrowhead Stadium and Truman Medical.

One job is through my very own workplace and the other is very nearby thankfully, and is proudly a volunteer position. I'm hoping to hear from others about what their plans are for this Holiday season. Whether it's about spending more time with family, donating time to strangers or if you're like me and work all around the holidays, it's all wonderful! I plan to capture a few memories over the next few weeks via photographs and videos. So stay attuned and I'll have more about that soon.

For now as work continues to be in session in the office and out in order to prep the stadium with appropriate security staff for the Pitt State Vs. Missouri college football game and then another Chiefs game. I'm always busy within the stadium whether it be myself guarding a floor somewhere on Club Level or in the office filing employees paperwork. What a never ending process it is to establish a system and sticking to it! Or on game days you can find me very early at admin handling "costumes" or work gear as CSC calls it, or in the ever frozen Pavillion where a pal and I check ID's for specific private parties. Whatever I'm doing, I am super grateful for the opportunity to work.

I just pray the Lord keeps me safe as I travel, even though it's just 10 minutes to work and back, on the slippery, wet and sometimes snowy, wintry Missouri roads. I forgot to mention that they're filled with hills and I drive a little, tiny Saturn. I'd like to share with you my drive way. And the rest of my surroundings. I've been walking in the frigidity the past few days off and captured some really marvelous photos.



This is a shot across the street from our house.




 This is around the block from my location.





A side view of the lovely yellow fellows in the front galleries.



More to come soon from my marvelous nature walks. I'm off again to guard some mysterious event for Arrowhead security  this evening. Blessed be all and be merry!


Love, Light and Peace,
Jolee Summerville

Passion For Others

Compassion is sometimes the fatal capacity for feeling what it is like to live inside somebody else’s skin. It is the knowledge that there can never really be any peace and joy for me until there is peace and joy finally for you too -- Frederick Buechner

 This quote brings me so many questions. 

I wonder if the author meant that it is fateful that you'll feel 'what it is like to live inside somebody else?' Or did he simply mean fatal as relating to the definition of destructive? I personally think it is enlightening to feel what others are experiencing. It's a rare and spiritually fulfilling thing to be connected with someone enough to bond their vibe with yours. 

It feels perfectly normal to me to refrain from making contact with others through eye contact and gestures such as smiling, using manners and being polite. But then at some point I realize I've isolated others by my own doing and that's why I'm lonely at the moment.  The desire for companionship and - compassion for sure, usually doesn't take long to subside.  It's easy to resume the cycle of noncommunication. 

These days though, I'm feeling that when I go out of this house, I'm presenting my self and my image of who I am to the universe. I need to continue on in an upbeat attitude with smiles for everyone. It's easy to remind myself how atrocious it is that others are not as fortunate as I am. At this moment I am a productive lady of society as I pay my taxes, I vote, I work as security, and I volunteer. I'm happy, healthy, safe and loved. That is what puts my mind at ease. All I can do is worry about what I can control.

I must deem appropriate behaviors that bind well with which circumstances and I must excel at that. I have to tend to my responsibilities as a human so therefore, I cannot think about everyone all over the world and their situations all of the time. If I could, some might consider me as Godly and that I am not. But I do feel its necessary to assume that I spend a valid amount of time praying for, researching about and advocating with those who are in need of assistance. 

I'm hoping others will look around this holiday season especially, the winter months, and see the abundance of help wanted all around them. It doesn't just come through a form of money, but your rewards extend much farther than material belongings. I'm looking forward to spend some time with the elderly this fall and winter to ensure they keep busy as well as donating time in the Toys For Tots event here in K.C. 

There's plenty of work to go around, we just need more kind, beautiful souls willing to give some effort to the game!as always blessed be, you're loved and most appreciated for reading and contributing feedback if you so choose. 

Love, Light & Peace,

Jolee Summerville

30DC - Day 29 - What's Learned

"What's learned is often forgotten" I always say. For many of us it takes many lessons to learn the same thing. And in some cases, you have to physically endure the lesson in order for it to keep ingrained in your mind. I'm one of those kinesthetic learners suffice it to say and I am one who needs to learn via experience.

I have learned so much over the past year and it's nearly impossible to recall everything but I will tell you a few things I've learned over the past 30 days at least. I've learned that I'm ever changing. I am evergreen as a BSB song of the same title states. I am always willing to try new things to enhance my living adventure. I'm planning on being able to tell people my story and have them marvel at the things I've done.

I'm pretty late in the game for a lot of things. I've just recently started cooking almost every evening and learning new meals. I'm so hesitant because I'm the only person here eating organic foods and it seems it's hard to get people to eat turkey and chicken these days. They all want beef! I am trying to keep the pounds away and stay healthy. The only thing blocking me would be beer and wine every Wednesday and Friday at the local hangout RG's.

Anyways, I've learned I have a lot of perseverance in me I didn't know I had until this past month. I just keep going and going no matter how exhausted I get. I am used to getting home safely even after days I've spent long hours at the stadium or running errands. I enlist my coffee and granola bars to keep me energized while dealing with such difficult days.

I have also learned how to relax on things I know I cannot necessarily control. I do know I can control my emotions and no one else can. So I've been determined to keep the peace and have fun especially while at work. It's sad that many people hate their occupations/jobs and return home miserable. I'm actually loving what I'm doing and I pray my creator keeps blessing me with even bigger and better opportunities.

I hope you've started your own 30 day challenges and I also hope you can keep up with updates better than I have! Most of all I send you love and pray for blessings upon you.

Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee Summerville

30DC - Days 26, 27th & 28th - Catching Up

I've been quite absent from the blogosphere the past few days largely in part to the fact that I've been focused on working and earning that paycheck. It is such a commodity these days to receive a steady flow of working assignments so when they call I jump on it. I'm currently doing laundry just to catch up and have uniforms ready the next 2 days and boy it's going to be a loooooong weekend. I'm prepared to work two 13 hour shifts!

Anyways, enough about work. I will now pause and take a moment to share with you the past few challenges. Day 26 asks me to tell you places I want to visit before I die. I have so many wonderful places to choose from so I'm going to make it simple and say "Out of America!" That's my biggest goal in life is to travel to new countries, experience new cultures and embrace the differences we share.

Day 27 requires of me to tell you why I am currently partaking in the 30 Day Challenge itself. I got the idea from Ali, a sweet high school friend of mine and I decided it would be a lot of fun and that I would learn plenty about myself during the days. I found out that even though procrastination is my middle name, I also have a bit of a slacker in me as well and perhaps you must not leave out, forgetfulness should be added via hyphenation! I promise it wasn't because I wanted to, it was merely just out of plain silliness. I didn't schedule it on my to-do lists and thus, is the reason I couldn't complete it in a timely manner.

I did try my best only slipping two or three times. (Laugh) I know. I'll do better in the next challenge! I'm hoping it will be as fun and educational as this. For me at least, I did learn quite a bit about myself in the past 35 some odd days.

Day 28 asks me to share two photos, one of which is of me last year at this time and one of me in the present space.

This was taken around this time last year. The only difference is I have a brighter hair colour, I worked a totally different job and I was 1,800 miles from where I am now, geographically speaking.


That was the first time I'd ever carved a pumpkin myself. I'd probably seen Ernest do it once when I was younger, but my young uncle caused a lot of ruckus in the neighborhoods we lived in, which caused home damage via pumpkins, toiletries, etc. So we ditched the idea and I for one was terrified of costumed people especially Chuck E Cheese and other "animaled" characters. And clowns, oh man, they were the worst. I've been to the Circus once in my life and it was plenty. I'm hoping I can take my kids one day and show them how to face your fears of the unknown!

This year, I am totally in a melancholic tone. My world is focused solely on my recovery as an addict and taking care of my now terminally ill grandmother. I am in such a different mental mode. Last year I was scared because I wasn't sure about my job, my home life, and all other worries that I encountered. I wasn't sure of anything and this year is different. I am sure that I will not be thrown to the wolves, if not mentally, then physically speaking. I am also positive that I am who I am.

I will not change for anyone, but I do realize I am still growing up. I may have matured in a few ways, but there is a hell of a lot in this world I know not of. I have so much to learn and that scares me but I'm strong enough to brush it off. If people are surprised by my, of what is sure to be many more, first time experiences, I have ruled I cannot let it put a damper on my mood at the time.

I have a right to feel the emotions I please and that is a major difference between this year and last. I felt very humbled last year but also I felt very recluse. I felt that if I had a bad day, I wasn't able to show it. And not because the paparazzi were bugging me, (I wish) but simply because those around me knew I was sinking and felt the need to criticize me for "taking out my feelings on them." In their eyes, I was unable to help them in anyways because of how I felt at the moment. I hate that. I hate that my family, my loved ones could not and would not count on me, even for something as simple as directions.

We were all going through stressful times then but I could not help the situation, I only made it worse. I hope their loves ones will forgive me, and believe that most days I tried my absolute hardest. Even in the end I tried not to stay in bed all day and let my emotion consume me. I doubt I'll be given a 3rd chance to try and recover the past memories. But I simply would like to think that we all did our best, and we managed.

We tried to get 4 beautiful babies, er- kids through a really hard time in their lives and we survived. Somehow we pulled together and they're the better for it. As far as I know, they're dealing really, really well. At times I sob because I knew leaving them was absolutely the hardest thing to do. I knew it would be a long time, deep down, I knew it. I was in such denial about many things. I pray everyday for guidance and I hope they greet me with at least smiles the next time we embrace.

To Abigail, Olivia, William and Julia, I am forever grateful for your existences and I pray the Lord keeps your from harm. I also hope to see you again very, very soon.

All my love to everyone reading and corresponding. Your letters of encouragement are marvelously inspiring.
Blessed be.

Love, Light and Peace,
Jolee Summerville

30DC - Day 25 - In My Bag

If you look inside any young woman's purse you'll find a multitude of items! You might see some makeup, some hygiene products and perhaps a small bottle of pain reliever. Of course many girls do not think twice about what they stuff in their bags these days and they do not think about the people in this world who's filters may be blocked. This of course means that some put there will go into the purse looking for valuables such as jewelry, money and change.
 
I don't think young girls also think about protecting themselves especially when traveling alone or just with a group of friends even. I like to carry pepper spray and a pocket knife with me that also includes some special "survivor" tools. Some girls are sexually active and do not carry proper shields such as condoms or birth control thus leading them into an unplanned pregnancy.

I'm proud to say I'm not at that stage in my relationship with a certain someone as of late. We've both decided it best to take things day by day. It especially works well since we rarely see each other, some times as little as once a week. I don't go out much simply because I have too many responsibilities to think about and I just do not want to be sidetracked by whatever life decides to throw at me. I can't be around dangerous situations although the part of the city I live in is slightly unsavory.

I do my best to stick to work, home and very nearby spots. My guy lives just 5 miles or so from my house so it's really easy for us to meet. We both live in close proximity to our jobs at Arrowhead Stadium so that's also nice as a gas saver and a safety precaution. Unfortunately though, we do have to work late some nights so I worry sometimes when entering my vehicle as I leave. I always lock the doors but I have to manually unlock my door to get in which takes more time obviously than pushing a button.

I'm getting a lot better at paying very, very close attention to my surroundings as I am near or in my vehicle. I do not drink and drive nor do I drive heavily medicated. If I do drink more than a drink though I have friends who will either follow me home, take me home or allow me to crash at their place. I'm very lucky to have been allowed the blessing of safety and I pray that all of you are as well.

So I kind of rambled on about safety but it does all count what's in your bag! Make sure you are aware at all times girls! You're too special to lose! As always, blessed be.

Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee Summerville

Used Karma

Have you ever been through a series of sad circumstances only to realize before it's too late why it happened? Did you then see that all of it happened because you were the catalyst? It hit me the other day that I've lived and I've learned. I've just been contemplating whether or not this is really my doing.

I'm smart enough to see that I put myself through a lot of situations and for good reason. I believe that everything happens for a particular reason or another. I know that destiny has its way with beings and that there is a systematic order to life. It runs in a never ending circle or as I like to say it, "a never ending story!"

In recent days I have had to really focus on my priorities and see that maybe I wasn't wrong in coming back to Kansas City last winter. It in fact, probably wasn't so premature. There were many things that needed to happen in order for things to be the way they are now. I still cannot come to grips with the fact that I duped myself into believing this was for the best but now I am seeing there may have been a totally other reason.

While my life may truly be all about me, everyone's lives are all about them I learned a few years back, I still think that there may be another responsibility I am supposed to take care of before being able to focus all eyes on me. I lost my step-grandfather, Jim, 2 years ago this coming February. He died of single-cell carcinoma, or more specifically lung cancer which spread elsewhere.

Just 9 years ago this November 7th I lost my father figure Ernest, who I mention most times as "my dad." He raised me for 12 years and we were very, very close. I've never been closer to another human other than he and Julie, my Mama J who is not of blood relation to me or anyone I know. Ernie was in fact my first step- grandfather and he took part in the fraud induced by my birth mother. I don't want to get into it too much for fear of opening more cans of worms than I already have in the past ten years.

I digress from my point though in explaining family history. In recent events it has come to light that since I endured my father's death and was rather scathed by the event, I ran away when Jim was re-diagnosed with the same exact cancer just 2 years after being originally diagnosed and treated. I ran as far as my b.m.'s place since there was an invite and because I felt I had no strength to go through another loss.

Now as I said, recent events have brought to light many things. I believe that I was sent here this year to prevent myself from running away again in this time of struggle. This will give me time to reflect on my mental state in the previous events of losing a parent as well as compare the three states. Since this person has known me the longest and vice versa, it will be surprising to me how I take it. Of course we've had our major downs and a few ups so like I stated, it will be shocking or it may not be.

I think it's just the fact that everything is so undeniably undetermined and unpredictable. I'm not sure if I will be shunned or treated with worth during and after the passing. I guess my mantra of taking it day by day and even sometimes hour by hour will remain in full effect. I know how strong I thought I was, and after it's all over I'll be glad to say I made it through, and with how much grace for certain.

I hope this blog finds you reminiscing on your own mental ability to overcome strife! I want to hear about it so by all means post comments or lead me to your own blog.

Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee

30DC - Day 24 - Shameful

On this challenge day I am supposed to share a story about my past. And not just any old story, a story about which I feel shameful about. To imply shame means to me, to imply that one regrets something. I honestly have to say I do not have any regrets about how I've lived my life. Every day and every lesson makes me stronger and wiser.

I wouldn't have it any other way no matter how tough it gets. I know it's all for the greater good. It's the grand design. But there are plenty of things I've done in my life that have granted me the right to feel shamed by them. I have one in mind that I'll share.

I remember that one day I was spending time at my mother's apartment. It was the year of 2001 and several of my many cousins and I were gathered here for a winter sleepover. I believe it was after Christmas day and us girls wanted time together. This was the year we lost my father figure, Ernest to lung cancer. It had been 4 years in a row of losing a member in the family, one a year.

One of these days we ended up playing hide and seek. In the game I was helping Carli, one of the middle cousins whom is younger than I, find her younger sister. I think she had found me and perhaps I was angry at being found? I do remember knowing in which room Kaylee was hiding in but not the exact location.

Carli asked me if I knew where she was and I pointed to the room. She found her sister just a few moments later. The next thing I know Kaylee is shouting that it wasn't fair that I told Carli where she'd been hidden. I'm thinking she saw me point to the room and wanted to tattle, as a lot of children tend to do. I had to explain that Carli asked me where KayKay was and I only pointed in that direction.

I was told I had not played fairly and had to be removed from playing anymore. I don't know exactly why this sticks out. Maybe it is because I don't get to spend much time ever with the girls and now we're all spread out across many states. It's just not a terribly pleasant memory with them and I wish things had gone differently. They all know me as the good girl and they've probably since forgotten this particular incident but I remember it very well.

I'm excited to be getting ready for the holiday season here in super cold Kansas City, even though it's been a really rough year. I would love to be home in sunny San Diego and I have faith my creator will take me back exceptionally soon. I hope you all are doing well and holding loved ones near. You may not have much time left, so make the rest of it you have positive!

Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee Summerville