"The special atmosphere or mood created by a particular environment."
This is nothing new to me. I know the definition of ambiance, but when do we ever stop and look around to see the true specialty of the environment that surrounds us? I've been here, there and many other places and at times the world seems horrifying and daunting. And in other parts it is absolutely heaven. Although I believe you are your environment, 'obstackles' do occur! Even though we may not always see the good in a situation or get what we want, we can always find peace in the fact that the true beauty is there. And if you're determined enough, you'll see it in every form.
I've been living my life with purpose for the past few weeks even though it feels like I could die at any moment. Anyone who's ever tried supporting themselves after years of tears and shelter-ation (Yes, I think I made up another word!) knows that it's a mental process. To keep your spirits up when it feels like the whole world is about to shake and crumble is a tough but enlightening gift.
I used to think it was all about acting. But then I realized you dont have to put a mask on when you're not at work. Not that that is any excuse for anyone to go out and be a rude and cruel individual because of a slightly less-than-happy mood. It's wierd some things just come naturally to you but other things tend to slip away. It's funny the things you notice in retrospect.
Obviously I could have handled the past year a lot better, but I do think I'm taking it easier than I did after my 'father' figure Ernest passed away in 2001. I had some support after that and probably have more now because I'm not in the midst of my personal lair any longer. Wait a second, isn't a lair for wild animals? Ohhhh that's right, I'm a lioness!!
There have many so many disappointments in the past twelve months but much learning and positive cognizance has also come from it. I'm gaining more and more strength as the days flash by. Just when I believe I have nothing left in me, my guide reminds me I am here for a reason. I am here to show everyone compassion and love. I am not however here to be walked on and abused. It's hard to 'purge all thoughts of the life you knew before." (I had to quote The Phantom Of The Opera in at least ONE blog!) It's been a long 20 years.
Now that I'm entering my 21st year of life I can see myself from the past how much I've changed. There are still so many developments occuring that I wont see thier outcome for a while but it's amazing what the brain does for you. Lately I've had the worst guilty conscience but I know it's because all that has been injected into my mind has been somewhat calculated and manipulative. I've been deceived and I've also done some myself. But I dont want to be a deceiver any longer! I'm a strong believer in positive thinking and only I can moniter my thoughts.
"Oh oh letting go. There's nothing in the way now. Oh letting go, there's room enough to fly. And even though, she's spent her whole life waiting. It's never easy letting go."
OH Suzy Bogguss, have you been through this too??!! (How completely f-ing ironic.) And wierd. I've been hearing that song since the time I was born... well not really but you get the picture... 18 years is about right!
I want to point out that while I miss my old peoples in the ol' Midwest, uh... that's all I got. I dont think I can say what I mean, because it's obvious I'm at a loss for words. It's not goodbye to the people, it's goodbye to the perspective, to 'Donette's' whole shallow perspective. I know for some that doesn't make sense, or it sounds like MPD, but I assure you I'm not crazy or delusional, at least not now anyways!!
I'm a woman now. Not a little naive, well-protected little child. And I'm flying. ;)
This blog is dedicated to all of the "Donette's" of the world, so to speak. May you live long, bring peace to your life and your loved ones, and MOST OF ALL be happy!
Love, Light and Paz,
Jolee Summerville x0x0
