Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Dreams, Cheating & Other Issues...

Imagine a day where you have finally found the person you want to dedicate your life to. Think about how happy and loving you are towards one another and how you choose to stay committed. Dream up the perfect scenario of the day you move in together and have settled on making the perfect little home for each other. Now flash forward a few months later after vulnerabilities have presented themselves and the shroud of mystery is slowly peeled away. Here's where the real work begins.

Living life together as men and women is as perfect a grand design as there ever could be. God truly made us to be balance in life and to learn to co-exist peacefully. Though I'd say in society there still seems to be many struggles with equality not only between sexes but also races and social status. But as always hope is still instilled in many of us and we strive to make our piece of the world better daily.

In that quest for love and acceptance, I have encountered different personalities that allow for such wonderful possibilities! I have finally found fabulous friends and hope to learn and grow to love them better. I am not only a people pleaser but I am also an inquisitive mind that wishes to capture as much information as possible in order to fulfill my purpose. I tend to use modern tools like the internet to find the answers I seek.

This past week I've been dealing with a semi-conflicting personality from a male that I've come to truly admire. It sounds contradictory but after a few months we start to see thought patterns emerge from within and manifests itself as a behavior. And this is what I have observed. I have heard over the past few weeks snarky comments about my time spent outside the home.

Not only have I heard comments but I've also heard reports of fears creeping into dreams. So much creeping, in fact, that my loving boyfriend has awoken twice now majorly perturbed! The sandman has not been kind sadly and the reports are quite disturbing. In the dream I was cheating with two males at a bar and then proceeded to make waffles for them.

Now to be totally honest much of this dream, although highly irrational, has been instigated by sudden fears brought upon for what the male describes as "no reason, really." He can't figure out why he's so upset with me or why these dreams are even a possibility. We've had many a discussion involving this topic of cheating and while I find it constructive to communicate (and fully encourage him to use his words as juvenile as it sounds) I find myself growing more frustrated and mad back!!!!

In order to maintain the peace I do all the sappy love talking/affectionate kissing I can without him going "Oh my gosh" at me. I have not felt love like this for a while so for me it's just completely incomprehensible that I would willingly wreck it so quickly! Perhaps I need to step it up!

I had to do some research on this to not feel so alone. I know how common a fear this really is so I'm not cray obsessive over it but I do want to be informed and try to do my part in ensuring peace of mind for my lovely. I am a fanatic of dream searching and seeing why we dream the things we do. I truly find peace in the fact when I find the possibilities. It means that I am closer to solving the mystery!

Dreams happen for many reasons. In the words of Dr Scott Haltzman, "theories range from wish fulfillment, to random neurological discharge of the brain cells, to mastering an emotional state you can’t handle while awake." For many of us we cannot accomplish our communication goals until we know what we are trying to say. Simply because you dream something doesn't imply the actions are being carried out in reality. According to the aforementioned doctor, "there’s no scientific evidence that dreams reveal hidden actions of others. Ironically, if anything, they may reveal your own hidden wishes: have you been thinking about fooling around outside the [relationship?]"  

Here are some questions to ask yourself and your loved one before throwing a fit of rage:

  • How can I know you are faithful to me?
  • What limits do you set on others of the opposite sex who might be attracted to you?
  • Are there situations in which you’d be at risk for having an affair?
  • Do you have needs in our relationship that I’m not meeting that would make you more likely to seek comfort with someone else?
  • If you were ever to have an affair, how would we be able to talk about it?

 I plan on taking initiative to make sure my man knows I am committed to making him happy and feel loved and accepted always. I hope some of you may have feedback or opinions regarding relationships, cheating, communication or what have you! I look forward to seeing your responses and wish you all the best. It's still Winter out there so remain calm and be cautious! 

Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee Summerville

Monday, February 18, 2013

President's Day 2013

Well well well the time has once again, arrived for us to remember those in office that we have cherished, mocked and ultimately lost. I took a moment of silence as I prepared two delicious meals for my daycare kids and was actually interrupted (for the 17th time in 5 minutes) when little Johnny asked me again why I wasn't answering his burning question about the aforementioned food. I explained to him that I was praying for the current President Barack Obama to have a good day and that we needed to especially be thankful for the works of Presidents past!

He wasn't terribly intrigued I could tell. But later as we were clearing our plates and cleaning up Jon asked me who my favorite leader is. I told him about my admiration for Barack as he literally was the first man I ever voted for. I even studied the 2008 election. I almost didn't go for Obama but a few deeper looks into his books I decided I had to support this Midwestern man and his loving, supportive family. They have impressed me with their class and kindness in the past 4 years. I also told Jon that while Barack is known as "the first African-American Commander-in-Chief" he is to be remembered for plenty more than that!

Politics and science are definitely not my strong suits, especially when put together but even I got awesome grades on my papers in my first semester at college. Yet I managed to fail the class because of horrible exam scores! I do have interest in it though as I do believe we are affected by our leader's actions. They are the shining example of how to lead and thank God they all have different ways of doing it!

I am excited to say that for the next few Holidays (Easter, St Patrick's Day, 4th of July) I will be celebrating nearly on my own as I have a General Manger for a boyfriend. I am sure my friends will let me join in on their fun times and I am known to make my own... ahem... Suspicious Monkey anyone...

Enjoy your week everyone and remember I put out new blogs every Monday. Please feel free to follow and post your own thoughts and stories!

Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee Summerville

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Burning Bridges Just To Rebuild Them

I am not in any sense a true carpenter. I do however recall that in my junior year of high school, a team of freshman and myself came up with a plan to build a trebuchet. Now I know many of you are asking "What in the world is a trebuchet?" In fact I'm surprised I actually remembered the proper terminology for what our ancestors called a catapult!

What then, brothers? When you come together, each one has a hymn, a lesson, a revelation, a tongue, or an interpretation. Let all things be done for building up. - 1 Corinthians 14:26

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately and decided to return to my roots of Christianity. Whether we like it or not, our lively guardians protect us in many ways. My parents were an older couple who were in fact concocted of my maternal grandmother and (primary) step-grandfather. I never had the opportunity to experience an understanding, open and educational environment at home and I could tell from a young age that I was to be seen and not heard. And the sight really wasn't all that lovely until I lost the coke bottle glasses in 2nd grade!

I have been Buddhist, Catholic and Baptist. I was technically raised as a practicing Baptist but as my life progressed and certain traumatic events were cemented into my brain I started to question how God could be cruel to me and why I had to endure so much at such a young age with very little guidance. Somehow I made it through my teen years with very little fallout or legal consequence.

I am now truly aware that God was sending me on my own journey to find myself. He was teaching me to question what my family had taught me and to see if it was in accordance with His plans not theirs. He is still guiding me to the woman I know I need to be in order to fulfill His purpose. I know now that my goals have changed and evolved for the better.

Since I am reassured knowing that God is really in control and that I am not I am able to continue on my merry little way. That way I can really focus in on my personal mistakes and change the image I see of myself. I am trying to use the gospel to show me where I have wronged others and what I need to do in order to mend those fences if possible.

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. - Colossians 3:16

I have a long road ahead of me and a lot of people to build up. The plan is to catapult myself into a new life of Godliness-filled ambition! I am actively praying for guidance and peace of mind not just for myself but for my enemies and loved ones as well. My newest motto is all about love and acceptance. 

My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world. And by this we know that we have come to know him, if we keep his commandments. Whoever says “I know him” but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him... 1 John 1-29 

I am excited in the coming days to share the lessons I've learned from the good book and from life itself. I am happy to share it with you and get your feedback! Have a blessed day, slap on a smile and love hard!

Love, light & Peace,
Jolee Summerville

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Over 2 years!

It has been indeed only been a mere 2 years (give or take a few months) since I have written anything of real substance. I am beyond caring who and why they read what I post but please note that I take into account every single comment and blurb on any site I'm linked to. This compulsion for attention comes from a lack of a proper (according to me) family structure. I absolutely need to feel like I'm heard by my loved ones and that includes YOU.

For some unknown reason you decided to encounter an entertaining blog about moi and I'm going to do my best to deliver. Since I've not written in a while and I do not want to start where I left off, left me explain how life is going now.

Silly Love Songs
I made a HUGE move. And in my life, change has never been insanely greeted with warmth. But I have recently moved into my boyfriend's house in an attempt to make peace amongst myself and others. I simply wanted a soft place to fall. I believe God had been weaving a windy road to prepare for when this move became official. I am now officially in an "amasing" place. By the s in amasing I mean I am FREELY singing like, as in, OUT LOUD. I am emphatically grateful for the love, attention and encouragement I receive daily from my man, Joe. You have already bettered me and accepted me and for that I thank you!

Cough Syrup|Shake It Out 
Around the last time I wrote a blog I was living with my sister, her husband & their 3 kids and working super full time. I do mean pulling 60 hours weeks as a server then I had to donate time in the mornings to watch the younger 2 while my siblings did work and school. For a while it worked, and after about 6 months and 1 move together I was at my wits end. By the Summer of 2012 I was out of there and living with some amaing Christians named Jeremy and Genger. I was blessed enough to meet them at a random Primerica Licensing class in August of 2011.

Immediately I integrated slowly into their lives and started forming a, what I believed, as an unbreakable bond. We got along in every area and Genger even trusted me to help with her home daycare when I was able to lift my butt out of bed. I did not take advantage of all the fun we could have had and now I find myself angry for doing so, simply because I thought sleep was most important and well, in those months it was. I had left my job then wen straight back as I thought I couldn't contribute to the household without funds.

Little did I know that we would surely have to move once again in the Fall of 2012, but this time I revisited my old Independence stomping grounds where my only remaining grandparent resides. It worked okay for a while but my patience wore thin as I quickly learned that my helpful-Cinderella attitude was being abused and taken sadly, for granted. I also realized how utterly alone I was in that care taking position. Not only did it hurt to see that I was the only one willing but it was slightly empowering to know that I am the ONLY ONE capable to do the job.

I couldn't handle the crap and escorted myself into a tiny apartment with my awesome aforementioned friends and their lovely 2 kids. I landed a job at a daycare (it seems I'm good with kids usually) and worked in a very treacherous and unwelcoming environment. I lasted a mere 3 months, not because I'm weak but because I didn't deserve the angst of going to what should've been a peaceful and fun place to be. I finally got depressed enough to move back into my grandparent's home and let the abuse continue which is when I started making terrible choices.

That's when my friends split up (in a shocking and heartbreaking ordeal that is still brewing) and I had to break free of my chains. I couldn't stand being as low as I was. I felt like the piece of pot-smoking crap that my own family disowns. I finally had the encouragement as I let Joe in more and more. Piece by piece, he reassured me that I deserved happiness and love. I did not need make myself feel guilty because I was doing what I thought was right by my grandparent. I only tried to make peace amongst ourselves and hoped the rest of my family would follow suit. And oh boy, did I meet a resistance like I've never encountered!

Give Your Heart A Break
I moved in with Joe and things seemed to look 10x better already. Little did I know that this was the exact moment in my transition from "Donette" to "Jolee." I am finally free to be myself and live for myself. I figured in excluding many others who's motives are detrimental to me that I would make headway for better relationships elsewhere. I was so wrong as I learned in the coming weeks that no matter how hard you try, you cannot ever make someone want to be there. You can be the most kind-hearted, thoughtful and embracing person ever but there will always be someone manipulative enough to try and frame you for a crime or make it seem as if you are insensitive and too needy to be around. I have given up. I SURRENDER! I give up all my family disgruntlement and upsets to God. All I can do is pray that God sees me for my true self and brings out the good IN US ALL.

Everybody Wants To Rule The World
"Nothing ever lasts forever." Music is truly my living source, not oxygen! I'm sure if you drowned me in water but played music, I'd come back just to fight and hear the song. Now actually most of the subtitles in this blog are Glee covers, and they are incredibly inspiring, and yes most are Blaine Warbler songs! (Cause he's my favorite, if you didn't know! I am looking forward to ruling my own world with the music I love and gope to make this the year that Jolee finally gets back to the piano and writing! We've got the space in our lovely little home and I certainly have the time.

But back to YOU, my dear sweet angel faced reader. You are the reasons I am continuing writing. I feel so much better now and I love confiding in you. Your feedback and opinions are always welcome and encouraged to be constructive not rude! :)

I wish you all the love, light and peace in the universe my dolls! Have a marvelous week and enjoy each other!

Love, Light and Peace,
Glee's Darren Criss singing "Everybody Wants To Rule The World"