Sunday, February 10, 2013

Over 2 years!

It has been indeed only been a mere 2 years (give or take a few months) since I have written anything of real substance. I am beyond caring who and why they read what I post but please note that I take into account every single comment and blurb on any site I'm linked to. This compulsion for attention comes from a lack of a proper (according to me) family structure. I absolutely need to feel like I'm heard by my loved ones and that includes YOU.

For some unknown reason you decided to encounter an entertaining blog about moi and I'm going to do my best to deliver. Since I've not written in a while and I do not want to start where I left off, left me explain how life is going now.

Silly Love Songs
I made a HUGE move. And in my life, change has never been insanely greeted with warmth. But I have recently moved into my boyfriend's house in an attempt to make peace amongst myself and others. I simply wanted a soft place to fall. I believe God had been weaving a windy road to prepare for when this move became official. I am now officially in an "amasing" place. By the s in amasing I mean I am FREELY singing like, as in, OUT LOUD. I am emphatically grateful for the love, attention and encouragement I receive daily from my man, Joe. You have already bettered me and accepted me and for that I thank you!

Cough Syrup|Shake It Out 
Around the last time I wrote a blog I was living with my sister, her husband & their 3 kids and working super full time. I do mean pulling 60 hours weeks as a server then I had to donate time in the mornings to watch the younger 2 while my siblings did work and school. For a while it worked, and after about 6 months and 1 move together I was at my wits end. By the Summer of 2012 I was out of there and living with some amaing Christians named Jeremy and Genger. I was blessed enough to meet them at a random Primerica Licensing class in August of 2011.

Immediately I integrated slowly into their lives and started forming a, what I believed, as an unbreakable bond. We got along in every area and Genger even trusted me to help with her home daycare when I was able to lift my butt out of bed. I did not take advantage of all the fun we could have had and now I find myself angry for doing so, simply because I thought sleep was most important and well, in those months it was. I had left my job then wen straight back as I thought I couldn't contribute to the household without funds.

Little did I know that we would surely have to move once again in the Fall of 2012, but this time I revisited my old Independence stomping grounds where my only remaining grandparent resides. It worked okay for a while but my patience wore thin as I quickly learned that my helpful-Cinderella attitude was being abused and taken sadly, for granted. I also realized how utterly alone I was in that care taking position. Not only did it hurt to see that I was the only one willing but it was slightly empowering to know that I am the ONLY ONE capable to do the job.

I couldn't handle the crap and escorted myself into a tiny apartment with my awesome aforementioned friends and their lovely 2 kids. I landed a job at a daycare (it seems I'm good with kids usually) and worked in a very treacherous and unwelcoming environment. I lasted a mere 3 months, not because I'm weak but because I didn't deserve the angst of going to what should've been a peaceful and fun place to be. I finally got depressed enough to move back into my grandparent's home and let the abuse continue which is when I started making terrible choices.

That's when my friends split up (in a shocking and heartbreaking ordeal that is still brewing) and I had to break free of my chains. I couldn't stand being as low as I was. I felt like the piece of pot-smoking crap that my own family disowns. I finally had the encouragement as I let Joe in more and more. Piece by piece, he reassured me that I deserved happiness and love. I did not need make myself feel guilty because I was doing what I thought was right by my grandparent. I only tried to make peace amongst ourselves and hoped the rest of my family would follow suit. And oh boy, did I meet a resistance like I've never encountered!

Give Your Heart A Break
I moved in with Joe and things seemed to look 10x better already. Little did I know that this was the exact moment in my transition from "Donette" to "Jolee." I am finally free to be myself and live for myself. I figured in excluding many others who's motives are detrimental to me that I would make headway for better relationships elsewhere. I was so wrong as I learned in the coming weeks that no matter how hard you try, you cannot ever make someone want to be there. You can be the most kind-hearted, thoughtful and embracing person ever but there will always be someone manipulative enough to try and frame you for a crime or make it seem as if you are insensitive and too needy to be around. I have given up. I SURRENDER! I give up all my family disgruntlement and upsets to God. All I can do is pray that God sees me for my true self and brings out the good IN US ALL.

Everybody Wants To Rule The World
"Nothing ever lasts forever." Music is truly my living source, not oxygen! I'm sure if you drowned me in water but played music, I'd come back just to fight and hear the song. Now actually most of the subtitles in this blog are Glee covers, and they are incredibly inspiring, and yes most are Blaine Warbler songs! (Cause he's my favorite, if you didn't know! I am looking forward to ruling my own world with the music I love and gope to make this the year that Jolee finally gets back to the piano and writing! We've got the space in our lovely little home and I certainly have the time.

But back to YOU, my dear sweet angel faced reader. You are the reasons I am continuing writing. I feel so much better now and I love confiding in you. Your feedback and opinions are always welcome and encouraged to be constructive not rude! :)

I wish you all the love, light and peace in the universe my dolls! Have a marvelous week and enjoy each other!

Love, Light and Peace,
Glee's Darren Criss singing "Everybody Wants To Rule The World"