Time Capsule-A Hidden Blog

 9\23\11 - My words from September 23rd, 2011

Hello all! (The two or three readers who will actually read this...)
I wish to welcome you all back to my blog, which has not been fully taken care of, obviously since this past Winter. And I feel so ashamed because it's now been like 10 months since I've posted. To be fair, life has been hectic and my personal journal is lacking proper ramblings as well. So please do not feel left out!

I started this blog with the full intention to keep everyone who cares updated on the ever-changing shades of my life and mainly it has been a cathartic release for my simply little brain. I feel like the life lessons never stop, and boy have I endured my share this past year! I've moved around several times, (even had my own studio for 6 months, and severely struggled), had another car crap out on me. You know, 2/4 ain't bad... the other 2 I wrecked myself so I can only blame myself for those auto mishaps.

Now I am currently living with my lovely family members (who shall remain nameless for their own sanity and well let's face it mine too) and their fabulously crazy 3 boys. The ages currently are 6 1/2, 4 1/2 and 10 amazing months old baby B! They give me such joy and such grief as the eldest child loves to act like a 12 year old. It's like "Holy cow, stop growing into a preteen!" And the middle child is as sweet, funny and silly as ever. Baby B is just crawling all over, teething like a madman, and got his first ear infection just this week!

In between the times I'm not working my "normal/mediocre" job (See Kate Gosselin's latest GMA interview, lol) I am watching the brood, cleaning and laundering and all that goes with being a domestic auntie. Currently I'm enduring a nasty sinus infection and the one day break has been helpful, though I wish I could help out more. And by help out I mean doing the household chores that no one simply cares about.

I have to be completely honest when I tell you that I used to be lazy. Not very lazy but just in general. I now see why rinsing the dishes and putting them in the empty dishwasher is vital to keeping stress reduced! I cannot cannot cannot cook or relax until the kitchen is clean. And ugh, let me tell you, no one here uses 1 glass a day! I'm further looking into my own betterment and one of the ways I overcame my negative laziness was to find a model and listen closely.

Much of the modeling has come from my own birth mother who does always keep a neat house. The other model has for the past 2 years been Kate Gosselin. If you know me, you know I have a thing for famous people, and only certain ones for that matter. I'm not going into the details of why I'm a fan or supporter of the Gosselins because that is a blog in and of itself. I just know that I am grateful for a not so perfect model who in fact is a healthy one!

I have always said I want a large family ("just like 7 or so, adopted, fostered and perhaps one I birthed myself... maybe." To be exact!) and one of the ways I can get there is to improve myself. I know there's a lot of work ahead of me, but I am not a quitter anymore. I'm a winner and I want to win the race! I have to thank God for being my biggest fan and never failing to be there. For without Him, my world would absolutely crumble and I would be dead. For all the times I've wanted to just literally die, he's picked me up and been the voice in my head saying "Keep going! You have a wonderful future ahead of you. The only way to get there is to endure the good and the bad times!"

I pray you all are doing wonderfully and enduring your own good/bad times with perseverance and grace! Shine on my lovelies. :)

Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee Summerville

How To Avoid The Familial Clusterfizzuck

Hello again "followers," (I prefer supporters, by the way)

I write this blog post, not to add to the endless drama that seems to surround every millisecond of my family's lives, but rather to focus on my feelings about a new experience or rather the same experience but in a new world. I've changed for the better over the past 3 years and this blog is evidence to that. I want to reiterate that my posts are not to cause more pain and suffering on those who incorporate their selves shamelessly into my life all the while saying how negative I am. I am purposefully voicing my opinions on my own time, in my own home.

As I research people who have similar backgrounds meaning, being abandoned essentially, and I'm finding that more and more have said the pain never goes away but if you're determined enough you CAN get past it and live a healthy, productively normal life. It is all about your perspective and how you choose to deal with your issues. I myself have rough days and many more lately because I have not been forthcoming with all of my feelings.

And when I am open and honest I feel like I'm not being heard. And if I am being heard my words are literally being shoved aside.I feel like everyone has a rebuttal and I'm the annoyed but impatient stock buyer on the other end who is hesitant but says "Ok, let's try it." I have tried and tried and TRIED, (did I tell you I have TRIED) so so so hard to step back and let my family ask ME for once to be involved. I am still waiting for the call. I am still hoping they will miss me in time enough to say "Crap, I really should have not just asked her to help. Maybe I should've spent an hour or two a month with just her, cause she's is pretty marvelous after all. Plus I need a sitter next week and she doesn't charge." Oh wait, that already did happen. 

Now that I have made my feelings very clear on how I am treated by everyone in my large family (there are 43 including myself and the kids, and spouses and all that) I am still hurt but lowering my expectations to 0! I don't believe a change is coming anytime soon but for my the the waiting game is the absolute worst. I literally cry every day because I miss my nephews and I know they miss me. For now I shall live my life, doing right by others, working hard and playing hard. Because I fucking deserve it! (Oh sorry... I'll refrain from the anger words!) 

I know times are tough everywhere so I encourage you all to pray and love hard with me! We're in this TOGETHER!

Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee Summerville  

Multiple Occupations & Moving

I don't know about you, but in this economic climate, it appears even though I'm employed it doesn't necessarily mean I'm getting profitable hours in. I have two jobs at the moment, the ones that pay anyways, that are exciting and can be a lot of fun. But recently it's all come to a very slow crawl. Still, I am blessed with a roof over my head, food in my stomach and somehow I manage to pay many bills every month.

I'm proud to say I do pay with my own money and have only had to borrow from my grams twice. In my family, that's a record low! I am worried because I'm about to put down a large deposit on my own 1 bedroom apartment and that will be all good for four weeks. I'm worried that if my work doesn't pick up before then I will not be able to provide the roof any longer.

I'm smart enough to see that it's cheaper to take public transport but with crazy bus schedules and long routes, it's hard to get around here. There are several ways to conserve funds and pinch pennies. I'm excited to be learning how to truly take care of myself. I'm so grateful for all of my friends who are super supportive and have offered advice on apartment life.

I know God will gladly provide all my needs and that it is he who has total control over my life, not I. For that I am truly grateful. I am also understanding in the fact that these things do take time and he's very busy so patience is essential to my emotional well-being. This will be a large leap for me as I've never officially been truly on my own, all by my lonesome. I'm terribly excited and nervous as I'm sure plenty of you felt those feelings as you trekked out of your guardians' homes.

I've moved out before, and been with others and I've seen the communication it takes to run a household. I'm not discounting those experiences and I will cherish them forever. They taught me a lot about myself and how not to treat others, among many other things. I'm positive that if I remain on this road, and work harder than I thought possible, I will make it. I know I'm not the only one struggling to live so that's of great comfort.

If you have any tips or concerns please feel free to comment and share your wisdom! :)

It's a beautiful, cold day here... I hope it's just as peaceful where you are friends.

Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee

Last Chance, All Aboard!

I've not been one for writing much of anything worth reading in the past several weeks. I'm sorry friends, busy I've been! I'm in the throes of a passionate romance (ha ha, not really so dramatic) and working more than ever I knew possible! Among the house chores, added snow has more than doubled my at home list of to-do's. I've also been working with a new partner on Marketing ventures which has always been a dream for me to conquer with a minor degree in school.

In other words I've been adding some direction in my life. I'm paving a way for my future self, although at the end of the day I must always remind myself that I could be gone tomorrow, so why worry so much over things the universe has complete control of? I'm also moving towards moving, a single institution which can stress one out greatly. But if one remembers from a previous entry, I've also got a large desire to completely renovate this bed/bath I've been residence in for the last 8 months. I must be crazy!

I'm very excited about each and every opportunity I've been blessed with and I hope that they will continue! I hope to send out some photos soon, but as of right now My Canon has been ruined. Ah the lovely joys of Auntiehood. I hope everyone whom reads this has a chance to make their dreams become reality, with hard work, a budget and persistence, it will happen! This is your final chance to board the Happy With Life train!


Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee Summerville

http://www.crowncenter.com/Dining-DiningOverview/Index.htm

We Can Start Over

I've been realizing that everyday is a new start and that we all should use it to our advantage. We all possess the innate ability to renew our mind and bodies every evening or every waking moment I should say. I know you can do it, and so can I. That's just marvelous how much power we really hold.

I've also recognized that the only person who can positively respond to change is ourselves. Within our thoughts we commit to changing our attitudes. We can respond in a way that is appropriate and gentle. As the Martin Luther, a fabulous commentator in the 1500's stated in his lyrics,
"Kill thou not out of evil will,
Nor hate, nor render ill for ill;
Be patient and of gentle mood,
And to thy foe do thou good.
Have mercy, Lord."
And as Buddha put it in his words, the life which the scheme prescribed, though compatible with good citizenship and even conducive to it, is quite independent of it. It is also quite independent of caste, of social gradation, of distinctions such as that between priest and layman, between the learned and the ignorant, between gentle and simple, between rich and poor.

We all make daily sacrifices to others and unto ourselves. I'm insisting dearly beloved that you assist your hearts and be wealthy with a happy spirit. I wish you peace, no suffering and loving relationships. I wish nothing more than a productive and hard-working people in which we all strive for common ground to walk on.

This all comes from a sacred place that only the Universe can provide. I believe in sustainability and structure we do not flail, but we conquer. That is all I can leave you with in this present moment as my brain has decided to rest. It's going to be a long day, but I can feel a beautiful shift in my current attitude. Blessed be marvelous ones.

Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee