Sunday, October 11, 2009

Writing more and more...

I want to write this document with conviction, and dignity. I don't want to slander anything or mince my words. I want to be open, honest without giving too much.

"I'm so bruised right now. And I cannot deny the symptoms. Manic, circular thinking, paranoia, suicidal thoughts, proactive thoughts, insomnia, lack of emotion, outbursts of hysteria, headaches, muscles aches, loss/gain of appetite. I sound like a big "complaint" box. I have to get out of here, this world is making me ill! But after having gone through the accident and being, jobless, no car, in a basement, albeit in a much better location, I'm exhausted. I still have the decency to know I will be just fine. People out there have it so much worse! I've 'got to keep my head up, gotta hold my hands up, gotta keep on breathin'. Thank you Britney for the inspiration!"

"I'm at a stand still on moving back home. I owe these idiots (oops) but I'm not too worried. I know they're all gonna DIE when I tell them the news. It's gotta be soon. I've got a job and I've got will. I'll be home before summer's end! "What now, what now?" Oh Kaci Brown, I love your beautiful soul! CA or Bust?" - April 18th, 2009

I write again on May 10th and then on July 26th, after I moved (or 'displaced myself'). And it's a much different head space. A floaty one.

Overall, I can see in my writings a young, motivated, somewhat confused woman who can take care of herself.

And after rereading this, it's obviously confusing and not the point. I mean to say that I don't think I can surrender to my life I'd previously had. This is a reminder to keep your bridges up, but burn them if needed! I have to say, that time has come. No looking back. "Purge all thoughts of the life you knew before." Once again, music holds my hand in this and every lifetime! Thanks to Mr. Webber and Mr. Butler for this fine piece of art...

I leave you with this... Blessed be my friends and loved ones. I want peace for us all.

Love. Light. Peace.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Hide And Seek - Proving A Point

I cannot even begin to describe how my life has changed or even how my day went. I'm practically speechless at the moment. I just got off of the telephone with a ol' family member and I was prompted to write about it. I need to make a point.

There are certain facts I know. There's a moon and a sun. There's the ocean which I love. There's laughter in every Gerard Butler film. (Trust me there is something funny in each movie, we're counting one certain male friend and I!) And there are the new facts that you've recently discovered. Those facts that you keep saying "Really? Seriously? Seriously?" to. And after a while a few things start to confirm that fact. And sometimes either one thing distinguishes for good if it is fact or a fallacy.

As of April 2009 I had decided that I was crazy. Mentally ill all over if you know what I mean. My body was exhausted from my mental illness and of course this was all self projected at the time. I was paranoid, anxious and nervous, frequently moody or disturbed, into a state of tears and shakes sometimes.

I remember one day it was still chilly outside because I was on my way with my sister to drop off a laptop to some man she'd sold it to on Craigslist, and of course I had no coat on. "I'm always COLD!" (Huh not anymore!) I was completely distracted because I was on the phone with my grand MOTHER and falling apart second by second. I ended up sobbing while rehashing the events that occurred the night before which included a phone call to my incarcerated uncle. My sister told the truth about a car someone had bought for me. I was devastated to say the least. 3rd times a charm. She got me out of her life for good then didn't she? :I

I believe this was around the time my 2nd step-grandfather had passed away. I was overwhelmed with working 35 hours a week at Denny's, having a full time school load, grieving, and being abused by my loved ones. I was, like I said 'exhausted.' I have to admit I wasn't very strong then. I looked for a crutch or a solace anywhere I could.

I have to stop myself right here. I could go on and on about that awful, disgusting time I lived in. There have been so many times before that. I'm writing this to prove a point. That I am really moving on and letting go. In so many ways! DELUSIONAL is the right word but it was certainly aimed at the wrong Williams descendant! For those who haven't been informed of this delightful piece of ol' family trivia, my ancestory (on my maternal side) dates back to William Penn in England, is where the aforementioned name was derived from.

My point is this... I am not delusional. If you REREAD my words in the first 4 paragraphs (which I have done before I posted this) it is all TRUE. There are no names, not needed. "You guys were so right about that." (One thing big whoop.) But the rest of it is my life. I was raised by my loving step-grandfather Ernest and honest grandmother Donna Atkins. For 13 years of my life they were married; never divorced. (I'm not mocking I swear. Just read on.) It's all I've ever known. I've been sheltered and protected there's no doubt. But for those same 13 years I was always left out of the loop. The VERY big freaking loop. "Keep hur duhmb and ny-eeeeve."

But now I'm stronger! I may have a lot of issues... ay let me count them... and I'm better than everyone perceived me to be, but I'm not bitter and I'm not angry. In fact I'm very happy and not so delusional. I cant read the stories above with false titles. I will no longer succumb to that secret any longer. I will no longer be that same girl they once described as "erratic, stoned out cunt" by well, a complete psychopath.

I've made new self-fulfilling prophecies and they're all positive and some are even fescennine! ("Look it up!" as Mrs. Farran, my fiesty, SVC, English teacher would say...) I was going to use 'scatological' but no one I know (except for T!) has even seen "The Ugly Truth" yet! Ha ha he he ha ha ho!

I used to say to Jules that "my futa's so bright, I need some shades!" And it totally rings true today! I AM FREE!

Now on to therapy... ;)

Love, Light and Peace... Blessed be everyone (especially those named in this blog, I love you!)

Donnie aka "Jolee Summerville"

Friday, August 21, 2009


"The special atmosphere or mood created by a particular environment."

This is nothing new to me. I know the definition of ambiance, but when do we ever stop and look around to see the true specialty of the environment that surrounds us? I've been here, there and many other places and at times the world seems horrifying and daunting. And in other parts it is absolutely heaven. Although I believe you are your environment, 'obstackles' do occur! Even though we may not always see the good in a situation or get what we want, we can always find peace in the fact that the true beauty is there. And if you're determined enough, you'll see it in every form.

I've been living my life with purpose for the past few weeks even though it feels like I could die at any moment. Anyone who's ever tried supporting themselves after years of tears and shelter-ation (Yes, I think I made up another word!) knows that it's a mental process. To keep your spirits up when it feels like the whole world is about to shake and crumble is a tough but enlightening gift.

I used to think it was all about acting. But then I realized you dont have to put a mask on when you're not at work. Not that that is any excuse for anyone to go out and be a rude and cruel individual because of a slightly less-than-happy mood. It's wierd some things just come naturally to you but other things tend to slip away. It's funny the things you notice in retrospect.

Obviously I could have handled the past year a lot better, but I do think I'm taking it easier than I did after my 'father' figure Ernest passed away in 2001. I had some support after that and probably have more now because I'm not in the midst of my personal lair any longer. Wait a second, isn't a lair for wild animals? Ohhhh that's right, I'm a lioness!!

There have many so many disappointments in the past twelve months but much learning and positive cognizance has also come from it. I'm gaining more and more strength as the days flash by. Just when I believe I have nothing left in me, my guide reminds me I am here for a reason. I am here to show everyone compassion and love. I am not however here to be walked on and abused. It's hard to 'purge all thoughts of the life you knew before." (I had to quote The Phantom Of The Opera in at least ONE blog!) It's been a long 20 years.

Now that I'm entering my 21st year of life I can see myself from the past how much I've changed. There are still so many developments occuring that I wont see thier outcome for a while but it's amazing what the brain does for you. Lately I've had the worst guilty conscience but I know it's because all that has been injected into my mind has been somewhat calculated and manipulative. I've been deceived and I've also done some myself. But I dont want to be a deceiver any longer! I'm a strong believer in positive thinking and only I can moniter my thoughts.

"Oh oh letting go. There's nothing in the way now. Oh letting go, there's room enough to fly. And even though, she's spent her whole life waiting. It's never easy letting go."

OH Suzy Bogguss, have you been through this too??!! (How completely f-ing ironic.) And wierd. I've been hearing that song since the time I was born... well not really but you get the picture... 18 years is about right!

I want to point out that while I miss my old peoples in the ol' Midwest, uh... that's all I got. I dont think I can say what I mean, because it's obvious I'm at a loss for words. It's not goodbye to the people, it's goodbye to the perspective, to 'Donette's' whole shallow perspective. I know for some that doesn't make sense, or it sounds like MPD, but I assure you I'm not crazy or delusional, at least not now anyways!!

I'm a woman now. Not a little naive, well-protected little child. And I'm flying. ;)

This blog is dedicated to all of the "Donette's" of the world, so to speak. May you live long, bring peace to your life and your loved ones, and MOST OF ALL be happy!

Love, Light and Paz,
Jolee Summerville x0x0

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

and let no one suffer because of me....

Straight answers may be hard to come by right now, especially if the questions themselves are as complicated and twisty as any maze. Clearly, the astrological lesson here is that you need to learn how to make up your own mind. Get a little clarity and focus on what you want the outcome of the situation to be, then make your decisions and stand behind them. Once your colleagues and friends see what a success you can be, they'll be coming to you for advice.

This is what says about me for August 5th. I guess it sort of hits the spot and it kind of pertains to my situation but I think it's just obvious. I already know this! I know the universe will supply me with my every desire as long as I eat, breathe, drink, sleep and live ABUNDANTLY! (Apparently. It got me here!)

It's been a few weeks since I've returned to San Diego and I've got to tell ya, I'm feeling pretty good about this.

I have no personal or work drama nor do I have actual television to distract me from what I really want to do. I want to work and save money, continue flourishing in the fine arts, and continue my education. (Oh and drive. Yeah, I forgot to mention that I want to DRIIIIVVVEEE!)

I dont care how long it takes me to make it to be a singer or a psychologist or anything. Right now I am a student who's working to build an oasis and system for herself. I'm also bright, caring and hardworking if anyone asks. Yes there are days I dont do some dishes or even my makeup. I have my moments. But if you ask politely, I'm sure I'll be glad to give anyone a hand in anything they need. I love to serve others. (Wait, that sounds a bit too Cinderella.) I love to assist others. There, that's better!

I have encountered a group called the Elks and they meet at the Lodge each week as a club. It's a members-only kind of thing and they let me jump right in to serve at Burger nights and hopefully even some nicer affairs as well.

I've also been working with a theater based production company named Infinite Kids Inc. and we've produced an awesome video about cultures with two young musicians/actors Adrienne and Andrew. I cant wait to post the link to it for YouTube. I did quite a bit of work with these kids and it was a blast!

Next up is work, work, work. What I do best. I'm certain that I'm strong enough to work and go to school and be in a play. (Yes, I plan to scout for auditions once I get larger wheels than bike ones!) I did it all before. And I'm sure Mrs. Smith is going to warn me about putting too much "on my plate." But she knows what it's like to have to work for your life. I want a satisfying life filled with fun, laughter, peace, some struggle and productivity. I want to make a difference anywhere I can. I know I can do it instantly, I've seen it. So now I'm ready to continue being active so that my thoughts become my actions. If you've read 'The Secret' you know what I mean.

Oh and I've decided two things: I want a guy-friend and I want long hair. Both probably make me look much better! I do need a full-time companion and I know I'm ready for it. So, take me into the dating world universe but dont kill me!

I hope you all are doing well at this moment. I'm content. I'm happy. I'm not high. (So there.) It's 2:30 am and I need some rest so I'll leave you with these words...

Just as the soft rains fill the streams,
pour into the rivers and join together in the oceans,
so may the power of every moment of your goodness
flow forth to awaken and heal all beings,
Those here now, those gone before, those yet to come.

By the power of every moment of your goodness
May your heart's wishes be soon fulfilled
as completely shining as the bright full moon,
as magically as by a wish-fulfilling gem.

By the power of every moment of your goodness
May all dangers be averted and all disease be gone.
May no obstacle come across your way.
May you enjoy fulfillment and long life.

For all in whose heart dwells respect,
who follow the wisdom and compassion, of the Way,
May your life prosper in the four blessings
of old age, beauty, happiness and strength

Ahhhhhhhhh.... sweet dreams.

Love, light and peace,

Monday, July 13, 2009

Me Improving? How UNHEARD of...

It's not longer a secret that I am moving on in pursuit of some pretty amazing feats. I am so proud of myself for deciding to take this step. I still have much growing up to do. I still have a lot of anger that needs to be relinquished. Moving into the world and cutting myself off from all I've ever known in a great thing. I haven't learned how to be a productive, self-reliant individual. Okay well that's not terribly true, but I have seen myself sabotage things out of laziness or just lack of interest.

There are things I choose to believe. There are people I choose to associate with. I don't feel I have to defend myself over the things I do or say any longer. I am my own parent, my own guide. It's such a terrific freedom to me to just move on. I know that in the end things will end up as they should be. I hope it isn't like the fantastically sad dream I had last night. I ended up paying off my family in order to keep them away from me and my new "Hollywood" crowd. Everyone got 10,000 dollars from me and I ended up crying in the dream and after I woke.

My wish for my friends and family is simple: Peace.

I usually end up stirring the pot because I like to join in on the fun too. But I've got to control my emotions long enough to stave off the impulse to ream my unloved ones online. We all have people in our lives, not just family, but co-workers, peers, etc who constantly feed us negativity. I am a believer in the truth that you are your environment. If you say you're struggling you are struggling. If you say you're not worthy then you are not worthy.

I am a happy and loving person. I am filled with compassion and pity. Some days I am only human and I let my emotions take over my mouth. I say what I need to say. I feel better but ultimately no one ever likes the truth. And especially not the harsh truth.

I am one to learn from my mistakes. I am not a failure and will rise above the hostile cloud. I only hope that in good time everyone will learn to accept who I am. Jolee Atkins-Summerville. Actress, singer, amateur photographer, future social worker/psychologist, etc, etc.

Oh and I have to admit... I love seeing how people react to me and whatever I do. I am fascinated with the way we are all connected and how we affect one another. Whether we want to admit this or not, we do love attention. We all have people in our realms that inspire us to do this thing or that. So thank you to all of the lovies and even the naysayers. I only strive to prove you all wrong! Ha ha! (I think I should type in every blog that it's purely unintended if it comes across as mean. I'm not mean unless you provoke me.)

So... here's to another blog in which I pray I come across as sincere and direct. I am who I am. Deal with it. :)

Love, Light and Peace,

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Queen Jolee as LJ would say...

It's getting down to the wire now. I have 13 days until I set off for my adventure. I'm looking at it all positively and I'm sure that once it's here and done and over with I'll be fine. But at the moment, I cannot stress any more or I think I'd just be a plain 'bitch.'

I had such a fun night at work despite America sucking and no customers. I sold over 600 dollars worth of Sonic shit today. I sold the most out of the afternoon and night crew and I was making 7 bucks an hour. So I'm not sure why I am so worried. I'm starting to pay off my debts and I'm proud. My checks are getting bigger from work thanks to the overload of hours but I do have a fear that I wont find what I want in San Diego. I'm hoping Wes will NOT tell me, "We're here if you decide to come back." I don't want to come back, I think I've made that pretty clear. I'm done here and all my business is finished. I've learned upon visiting my 'dad's' grave, I carry him in my heart and my soul. In the past 10 months I've visited him 4 times. Last summer I boasted I'd finally be able to live 'with' or near my dad again. Nice huh?

But it's not the same and I am on my own now. No dad buying me school clothes and certainly no mom to pay for school period. Maybe it's me, but I've got to say I'm a little pissed. I grew up in a world where parents not only love and encourage their children they teach them how to build a life and career. Well, I didn't grow up there, but let's just say I saw it in movies. My parents didn't do much of that. 2 classes paid for. And I thank you for that Jim. Oh wait, that was my step-grandfather. But I cannot discredit my grandmother because she did buy me 3 cars. I thank you for that. I guess I'm a little bitter. I'm a bit fucking jealous even. My sister gets a house. I get grief over the money I owe her for said cars.

Which brings me to my next point...

... yes SIS, I'm LIVID with you over the Explorer. YOU owe your mother for that! What was it you paid, only 3 or 4 hundred? Ask Robert or better yet ask Natalie. They'll remind you.

And you know what? I give up. I surrender. I'm going to take care of myself since neither of them seem interested. I am my own strong, beautiful young woman who has so many adventures to take!

I am so glad to be moving back to California and to do it for me. I mean truly do something for me for once. Everyone might think that the things I do are selfish and yes, sometimes that's one angle or motive for a decision but I promise you, moving to Missouri was not one of those times. I did it for my bm, for my sister, for my family. Now that they're sadly all gone, I am all on my own with my good friends in California.

Thank you Lord for the most precious gift there is. Freedom. (Next to truth that is.)

Love, Light and Peace,
Queen Jolee
(It's 3:15 am in KCMO. Not almost 1 am!)

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Yes And...

And I will go to the ocean and be tanned. And I will get a job swiftly and obtain secure housing fairly and efficiently. And I will continue to be the carefree and strong person I have turned out to be. And I cannot seem to contain my budding excitement for my trip coming up. It's funny because I keep saying "I'm going home." And while living in California, I've always called KC "home." Everything's peachy because well the family knows I'm moving but they don't really know that it's in 2 weeks. And that I'm driving myself with a MapQuest map, a gas can, Sonic coupons and some saved up cash. And a few personal belongings but not too many because I'm starting over.

"But you still haven't told them. I mean, they know it's going to happen sooner or later. You've managed to stave off the first few stabs they took at guessing when you were leaving. Ooooh you're gonna be in TROUBLE!"

I'm thrilled because I know that this time they can get as red as a freakin' supernova! I'm not giving up. I've got to do it sometime and I'd rather get there now rather than in a few years when these people are dead. I really really have nothing else left to do here in Kansas City. I've done all that I wanted (going to Worlds of Fun on 7/6 to cap off the year, I went last September when I got here!) and been through some tacky and painful ordeals (lost family, had money stolen, jipped by an abusive woman.)

I recieved 3 signs in the past few months that told me the timing was now to go. And then I have to save up money for a train ticket to Miami in October for a prepaid cruise! So of course, the saving continues, as always. The "No you may not buy those adorable shoes Jolee!" conversation at the mall. That's now gas money.

:) Ahhhhh.... the joys of being a human. To operate a vehicle safely with the Phantom of The Opera blaring on a Sunday afternoon... pictures to come!

Love, Light and Peace.
Jolee Summerville <3

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Legitimately, I'm HERE!

I've been trying to conjure up a legitimate blog for my portal for weeks now. I haven't had much to say lately but now I'm INSPIRED! As with every musical likes in my world they usually pertain to every situation. Country music was a first love, then it was Seal or The Backstreet Boys. There's been so many artists that have influenced me in different areas of my life, whether it be for my personal life or for an artistic purpose.

Art is a funny thing. I cant remember a time when I was younger that I didn't love the feeling I get in my body when I sing. I have dreamt of being in "show business" ever since seeing Star Wars. My grandmother had told me after I had a horrendous nightmare about DV that he was only acting, that "he isn't really mean in real life." I love watching a movie like "A Mighty Heart" or "The Phantom Of The Opera" and seeing the actors truly transforming into another personality and take it to heart most of the time. (I think the correct term for this talent is called the Method.!)

But the whole point is that I still want to pursue entertainment as a career. I'm working on social work and photography degrees in the background as well. I'm getting a lot of flack for some reason. I completely understand I am more comparable to Marilyn's acting than to Judy Garland's but I'm so prepared to work on my craft so to speak. I know a lot of physical work has to be done as well. I'm quite blissfully aware of all the work I'm going to do as an adult. I appreciate the warnings from the elders around me but I still get the very creeping negative tone about it all. They dont trust me enough for me to take care of myself. This is a birth issue. I was born weighing 1 lb. and 6 oz. I was born at 25 weeks which you can probably surmise why. (Oh Jo stop digging at your bm! lmao) Anyways everyone around me now has watched me grow up. Or rather in their minds stay the same irresponsible, gullible, and naive little Donette. So you can see why a name change was imperative! Donette Stuber is a.) a fraud and b.) ugly.

I'm not trying to be down on myself, but that's how everything used to be. When you saw me you'd thought I had been through hell. Now when you see me you can see the hope in me. I'm eager to work and to learn. "To rise up and reach the world." ~ Phantom Of The Opera (2004)

I'm very proud of the person I am today. I am a good kindhearted person who still gets to be a moody, feisty Leo sometimes. I've got flaws obviously but I'm working on them! I'm ready for the changes that are coming. "Fast changes." ~ Seal (1998)

I'm not ashamed of who I am any longer and I walk the streets with my head high and with no worries in general. I can always be freaking out about bills and money but I realize I cannot stress over it usually after a while. My life is not about money. I wish I had more of it that's true. No one ever accused me of not being a business woman. But I mean that my life is about self-growth and family. I create my family. I say whether you are in my circle of lovelies or not. Because of my whole life I have never had a family that is a supportive one. All we do is fuck each other up! We're poison for one another because for some reason we're so used to committing crimes that we can't even stop doing it to one another!

So I've officially pronounced myself as Jolee Summerville, a singer/actress/future social worker/ amateur photographer/future psychologist. :)

Love, Light and Paz.

<3 Jolee~

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Just jump on in...

I know for a fact now that moving on my own is the absolute best thing for me. It's going to be rough but there are always ways back 'home.' If I'm going to commit to taking good care of the ones I love I must be dependent solely upon myself first to truly conquer my destiny. I know that going back to California and making a home for myself will give me wings to fly and be my productive, giving self.

Even while handing out free root beer floats, flirting with some silly stoned boys, smiling at some hunky men, I felt completely satisfied for fulfilling our customer's desires. I was rewarded in more ways than one. Plus I actually had fun with my coworkers and we did a fantastic job! I think only 7 or 8 were dropped. The rest of the 3000 made it to a happy guest!

It was so simple and yet everyday should be like that. So blessed and grateful for everything I have, have had and will have. I've been feeling much better about my self these days because of kind acts. I guess I just told myself I wasn't being nice to the RIGHT people. Now that I've made a valiant effort at work and elsewhere, things have definitely improved. I've let people take advantage of my gullibility and sweetness but I do believe that it's always better to be a kind and thoughtful person rather than not. You gotta set the tone. You are your environment.

My Aunt Mary Katheleen has returned to Kansas City with one of her 5 children, Milena. I love that sweet, spoiled cousin of mine. She's going to be four in December. I cannot believe the time has flow and I've seen her 4 times since she was born! If all goes well, Milena will be mine. Someday when no one else has the right or the gall to pull off raising this innocent child it will be me who will gladly step up to the plate and willingly sacrifice whatever need be to attend to her every need. I will financially, emotionally and physically support her until the time comes for her to be a free woman and spread her wings. I want her mother to always always be apart of her life because I truly adore that woman for all of the strength and bravery she has. I have never ever talked shittle about Kat on any of my blogs. Sometimes she infuriates me and we've shared words but it always comes down to the fact that we deeply care for the other. She's one of my only 3 few family members I can talk to now, the rest are either in jail or elderly.

I can only do so much in that area too. I've made so much effort in the past 8 or 9 years to be Donette. And oh my lordy that poor chick is so pitiful! Jolee can have some rough times, but Donnie, she just is as naive as a cow. I'm done with being a child. It's time to be mature, act like a good person and respect the people I do love and care about.

It's nearly time for bed now as it's after 2:45 am and I've been awake since about 7:30 am! I'm glad to have gotten this all out and I hope that when it is reread by myself tomorrow I will be proud of this stella' young lady I'm turning out to be.

Love, Light and Peace,

Friday, April 24, 2009

Unusual YouTube!

Hey guys! It's a perky Jolee here on a Saturday evening... or early Sunday morning (it's after midnight!) and I've just uploaded new videos of me (yes, it's really me and not a monkey!) onto my YouTube channel JolSummerville. I hope you all enjoy the unedited clips. Better yet to come! Night all, I must retire to more private environs, since I work all day tomorrow carhoppin'! Hooray for making that moolah on a rainy Sunday!

More on my channel!

Love, Light and Peace,

Thursday, April 23, 2009

E Marks The Spot

Education is important to you right now and you can learn a ton, no matter how formal or informal your coursework may be. You might be boning up on French history or making a killer piecrust, but it pleases you deeply. ~

Obviously today is an important day for me since tonight I turn in my final term paper, for Sociology (I chose the topic of aging) and we'll prepare for our final exam next week!!! I cannot believe that finals are already here! I know I'll do well because I've worked hard on this. Even though I am not truly loving it, I still love to feel smart. I like making connections in my brain without even knowing it. I am basking in the warm glow of the sun today as well as studying for our "Murderball" discussion/test tonight. I was about to get a little taste of Charmed but TNT is acting severely strange so I decided to pop open my horoscope. It's been an amazing day of quiet, but I am still struggling to give up my love. Herb has been retracted from my life because well, I think I needed to face some things and do without for financial purposes, so a true cleansing is occurring as I type! I'm going to return home clear-minded and ready to toke it up and live life! Tomorrow is truly an off day for me because I have no work, no school, nothing to do except invite some friends over for scrapbooking and music fest fun! We'll all be singing along to Tim's guitar and Cam's vocals! I've got a few boxes full of memorbilia to stuff into one book for my trip home. I'm condensing everything down, which is both good and sad. But no worries. Tomorrow's also payday! Time to start savin for that ticket!

Love, Light and Peace,

You Must FILTER Your Thoughts!

All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him. ~ Buddha

Can you let it pass you by? Your key to happiness rests all in the hands of the one and only you! Sometimes we all go through dark periods where there's nothing else we can think about but destruction and despair. Sometimes it's plain necessary to keep you grounded but there comes a point in time when you must succumb to peace once again. You cannot pollute your mind with any negative thoughts. Even the littlest on about someone's terrible driving can result in a major pain for you later. I have recently been so unfocused that I let my life get so out of sorts. I 'cleared the clutter' once more, reflected about my actions and words, and made a decision to be proactive. Just do it, is my new motto. Yes I stole it from Nike! I think I'll give it back and com up with my own. Of course just because I take back what I did, it does not erase the bad deed. I must remember that next time, I shall refrain from whatever bad deed it is at hand whether it be a negative thought or action. I realized that just because you did something to redeem yourself, it's not enough. You have to put extra effort into being seen as good again.

At least I'm not an actual thief, at least not anymore now that Bug isn't around to steal her clothes! (Who still has my Britney Spears fragrance somewhere!) I have thought some mean thoughts but I am pretty quick to shut myself up. I'm quite harsh with myself especially when I affect others. I learn my life lesson but believe me it still continues on in my mind for miles after that! Even so, we must be kind to ourselves and others. The real lesson is about being pure in the first place so you do not have to counteract your mistakes.

The other lesson is to keep your hands away from your face! Ha ha! I think I'm one of the only people I know who has a serious problem with touching their hair and face repeatedly. But I am making a conscious effort to STOP BITING my nails! They're growing out nicely, though I don't ever paint them so they're kind of brittle. I think it's important to keep up appearances and I'm starting to really be more aware of that as well. There is so much to think about in regards to what you put in your body, what comes out, what to do to it, etc. I've been rigorously working on exercising everyday even if it's only ten minutes of strenuous activity. I do go to school still and work which is a pretty damn good workout! There are so many stairs at the school it's crazy, and at work I'm usually running over to the ice cream stand and back to drive-thru!

I'm so thankful for everything I have and I'm about to become way less stringent on my belongings since I can only take so much home with me. I'm glad because this will give me a chance to start over with my own items, my own attachments and associations with them. I think it will make me even more grateful because I'll be paying for it! I think that's going to be the easiest part of my trip to document because I already have a sense of the overwhelming feeling of providing for yourself in life. But it's a most welcome change in my new adventure! That's part of the struggle right?

I can feel the shift in energy and it's incredible. They may not see it now, but the future is going to being so much more to me than we can imagine right now. I'm open to virtually any opportunity at this point. I'm so thrilled to have complete control over my life, my destiny. What an exciting time!

Breathe, relax. It's going to be JUST FINE!

Love, Light and Peace,

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

I'm SO Nervous!

I am frazzled as of late. It's about all this excitement from moving and so many things going on here! There is so much to do before I announce my departure to everyone. I am afraid of their reactions though I'm not sure why. I'm going to do it anyways! I guess I just want everyone to have faith in me that I can make it on my own. My grandmother, of course says, "No you can't!" She's not trying to be rude in a controlling way, it's more of a lack of faith kind of rude. She has no sense of my real self but at least she knows what it's like to be 20 and broke. But she had kids and I do not, so this should not be too much of an issue for me. I dont think my move to LA will be too rough. I cannot believe I am forced to actually sit down every week and talk for 2 hours to the old family members all to reassure everyone. I have to be around in the evenings so I dont appear sullen and withdrawn. It's all a facade I suppose and one I despise living in. The only way to truly get away from them is to be on my own, and literally ON MY OWN. It's a crazy world we live in but a beautiful one too. We've only got ourselves to take care of which is what's most important. I have to take care of things myself. I've only got me to blame for my mistakes, my insecurities. I want to prove to everyone and myself that I am a winner. I guess this is a lifelong journey? I just really want to be happy. I mean, I am happy and thoroughly grateful for all the loving people I have in my life, and everything else but here without my loved ones near, and not doing what I love because of others expectations, I am quite unhappy.

There are brief pure moments here and there of exquisite joy and happiness. I am carefree and ready to ride. Others are pretty cruel and vile and this is when I seem to be restless, moody and insensitive. I need to re-strike a cord with balance. Moving home, (to my 2nd home in California) is the nest thing I need right now. I'm just getting back in touch with the Lord. I hate to admit that because I have been selfish all these years and have fallen. I do stick to my Buddhist beliefs but obviously I am applying them to God's rules. I still will never believe half of the Bible, but hey I guess I'll know for sure when I die? I guess I'm fully Agnostic now and not classified as Buddhist. I am really excited for what's coming because I know the world is mine for the taking. I have so many plans and ideas for the future! It's going to be a crazy month and a half, especially with paying off my first credit card, and a cruise coming in October (!) and SO many other things to pay off, but I'M READY!

Bring it on life, I'm so ready to just go for a ride!

Love, Light and Peace,

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The Accident, The Jobs and...

A few weeks ago, I'd say about 2 and a half weeks ago, I endured yet another car crash! This has to be the 2nd auto accident in 10 months! Of course I take full responsibility (NOT!) as all good young ones should do. I have already committed myself to taking some driver's education classes to get out of my ticket, but the other driver (who actually hit me in my side and totaled my car) was talking on her cell phone and driving at a higher speed than I was. But alas, we were drenched in snow and ice. You couldn't see a foot ahead of you. That's what I get for not really focusing on what is right and just going for the gold.

I am truly blessed to have acquired another vehicle in such a short amount of time as I can not finish school (it will be finished in mid-May or so) and to my two lovely new jobs one at Sonic (hooray for cherry limeades and coneys!) and the other at American Eagle Outfitters at the mall! It's so cool I get to dress up for at least 2/3 of my week! Girls gotta pay her bills somehow and these places are perfect because I can just transfer to Cali since both companies have stores there! I have found some awesome places for cheap right in the middle of Hollywood and Santa Monica, but I'm still not sure where I specifically want to go yet.

I was driving home this afternoon and thought "This road isn't as long as it used to be." What I meant was that I had gotten familiar with the long, windiness of Dickinson Road. "The road is always shorter when you know where you're going." I think that speaks volumes! I can turn this around and make it positive. I know my road back home will be a shorter one because I know when I'm going and I'm pretty sure I'm going to L.A. Now I still am having a bit of time deciding between SD or LA. It's a tough choice so I'm going to have to drill out some pro/con lists!

I promise pictures are coming!!!! And VIDEOS!!!!

Love, Light and Peace,

Monday, March 23, 2009

Time to Appreciate Nature!

Sometimes in life all you need to is stop, breathe and remind yourself to have fun for once. So wew went to the Kansas City Zoo for a day of fun and leisure. We ate some pretty expensive (for no reason at all!) food after a long walk through Africa! And then in Kenya, for some reason, after some intriguing bird dialogue and intense observation, we came about those darn lil primates we call monkeys. One monkey decided to give us a nice disgusting wee wee show. But it's actually quite hilarious because he has no idea it's there! And some kid is making a VERY hilarious comment. Hence the name of the video on my Youtube Channel "Very Suspicious Monkey."

(And IGNORE Brian Tanis, I love him but he's crazy!)

Enjoy! New Blog with me singing and talking about the accident and all that jazz.

Love, Light and Peace! (And human nature!!!!)
Jolee <3

Friday, March 20, 2009

Nini and all the rest...

This is the other part of my family that is not blood related to myself or any other 'old family' members, and they are merely my extended family. Jaime started babysitting me when I was just months old. Her whole family jumped in and helped our family out in that time of need. Jaime technically raised me. As I grew older and into my pre-teens Jaime was married to her fiance Chris and now they've been together for 12 years and have 3 children of their own; Brian, Rachel and Kelsey. I was practically living here in Sugar Creek with them up until I moved to San Diego in May of 2002.

'Nini' aka: Beverly is Jaime's grandma whom we all started calling Nini when Brian and I were younger. She's married to James Kenneth Pauley and we call him 'Papa Kenny.' Ever since I can remember we've been going to the Lake of the Ozarks in mid-Missouri. Chris would always take me out on the Yamaha wave runner, and Papa Kenny drove the big 'house boat' which was sold last year to Jaime and Chris. Jaime on the other hand, I would only let in an inter tube with me ever since she tried drowning us in the middle of the lake by hitting a rogue wave!

Nini always makes me popcorn, butter and jelly sandwiches, buttered toast and all kinds of candy from those bins in which you can mix and match a different variety of candies. I'll always be able to remember the bright pink and red lipsticks she wears and all of the Avon and Mary Kay products strewn all over their main bathroom in their Englewood home. I wish I had a picture, but unfortunately none could be located at this time, so I guess I'll have to update soon!

So there are a few more people in my life than just the negative ones! I'm hoping to give you all a full, unbiased view of my life so that you may understand that I have the same thoughts you do!

You know how people say "Just live your life and be happy." And then you get so stressed about life and you get anxious and you can never be fully happy? I'm learning everyday how to just breathe through it all because I'll get through. I need to be happy while i can because inevitably something will come along to spoil it for the time being. So that's my advice for the day, live, be happy, be sad, feel whatever emotions come to you and just live.

Love, Light and Peace,