Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Hide And Seek - Proving A Point

I cannot even begin to describe how my life has changed or even how my day went. I'm practically speechless at the moment. I just got off of the telephone with a ol' family member and I was prompted to write about it. I need to make a point.

There are certain facts I know. There's a moon and a sun. There's the ocean which I love. There's laughter in every Gerard Butler film. (Trust me there is something funny in each movie, we're counting one certain male friend and I!) And there are the new facts that you've recently discovered. Those facts that you keep saying "Really? Seriously? Seriously?" to. And after a while a few things start to confirm that fact. And sometimes either one thing distinguishes for good if it is fact or a fallacy.

As of April 2009 I had decided that I was crazy. Mentally ill all over if you know what I mean. My body was exhausted from my mental illness and of course this was all self projected at the time. I was paranoid, anxious and nervous, frequently moody or disturbed, into a state of tears and shakes sometimes.

I remember one day it was still chilly outside because I was on my way with my sister to drop off a laptop to some man she'd sold it to on Craigslist, and of course I had no coat on. "I'm always COLD!" (Huh not anymore!) I was completely distracted because I was on the phone with my grand MOTHER and falling apart second by second. I ended up sobbing while rehashing the events that occurred the night before which included a phone call to my incarcerated uncle. My sister told the truth about a car someone had bought for me. I was devastated to say the least. 3rd times a charm. She got me out of her life for good then didn't she? :I

I believe this was around the time my 2nd step-grandfather had passed away. I was overwhelmed with working 35 hours a week at Denny's, having a full time school load, grieving, and being abused by my loved ones. I was, like I said 'exhausted.' I have to admit I wasn't very strong then. I looked for a crutch or a solace anywhere I could.

I have to stop myself right here. I could go on and on about that awful, disgusting time I lived in. There have been so many times before that. I'm writing this to prove a point. That I am really moving on and letting go. In so many ways! DELUSIONAL is the right word but it was certainly aimed at the wrong Williams descendant! For those who haven't been informed of this delightful piece of ol' family trivia, my ancestory (on my maternal side) dates back to William Penn in England, is where the aforementioned name was derived from.

My point is this... I am not delusional. If you REREAD my words in the first 4 paragraphs (which I have done before I posted this) it is all TRUE. There are no names, not needed. "You guys were so right about that." (One thing big whoop.) But the rest of it is my life. I was raised by my loving step-grandfather Ernest and honest grandmother Donna Atkins. For 13 years of my life they were married; never divorced. (I'm not mocking I swear. Just read on.) It's all I've ever known. I've been sheltered and protected there's no doubt. But for those same 13 years I was always left out of the loop. The VERY big freaking loop. "Keep hur duhmb and ny-eeeeve."

But now I'm stronger! I may have a lot of issues... ay let me count them... and I'm better than everyone perceived me to be, but I'm not bitter and I'm not angry. In fact I'm very happy and not so delusional. I cant read the stories above with false titles. I will no longer succumb to that secret any longer. I will no longer be that same girl they once described as "erratic, stoned out cunt" by well, a complete psychopath.

I've made new self-fulfilling prophecies and they're all positive and some are even fescennine! ("Look it up!" as Mrs. Farran, my fiesty, SVC, English teacher would say...) I was going to use 'scatological' but no one I know (except for T!) has even seen "The Ugly Truth" yet! Ha ha he he ha ha ho!

I used to say to Jules that "my futa's so bright, I need some shades!" And it totally rings true today! I AM FREE!

Now on to therapy... ;)

Love, Light and Peace... Blessed be everyone (especially those named in this blog, I love you!)

Donnie aka "Jolee Summerville"

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