Friday, October 29, 2010

30DC - Day 29 - What's Learned

"What's learned is often forgotten" I always say. For many of us it takes many lessons to learn the same thing. And in some cases, you have to physically endure the lesson in order for it to keep ingrained in your mind. I'm one of those kinesthetic learners suffice it to say and I am one who needs to learn via experience.

I have learned so much over the past year and it's nearly impossible to recall everything but I will tell you a few things I've learned over the past 30 days at least. I've learned that I'm ever changing. I am evergreen as a BSB song of the same title states. I am always willing to try new things to enhance my living adventure. I'm planning on being able to tell people my story and have them marvel at the things I've done.

I'm pretty late in the game for a lot of things. I've just recently started cooking almost every evening and learning new meals. I'm so hesitant because I'm the only person here eating organic foods and it seems it's hard to get people to eat turkey and chicken these days. They all want beef! I am trying to keep the pounds away and stay healthy. The only thing blocking me would be beer and wine every Wednesday and Friday at the local hangout RG's.

Anyways, I've learned I have a lot of perseverance in me I didn't know I had until this past month. I just keep going and going no matter how exhausted I get. I am used to getting home safely even after days I've spent long hours at the stadium or running errands. I enlist my coffee and granola bars to keep me energized while dealing with such difficult days.

I have also learned how to relax on things I know I cannot necessarily control. I do know I can control my emotions and no one else can. So I've been determined to keep the peace and have fun especially while at work. It's sad that many people hate their occupations/jobs and return home miserable. I'm actually loving what I'm doing and I pray my creator keeps blessing me with even bigger and better opportunities.

I hope you've started your own 30 day challenges and I also hope you can keep up with updates better than I have! Most of all I send you love and pray for blessings upon you.

Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee Summerville

30DC - Days 26, 27th & 28th - Catching Up

I've been quite absent from the blogosphere the past few days largely in part to the fact that I've been focused on working and earning that paycheck. It is such a commodity these days to receive a steady flow of working assignments so when they call I jump on it. I'm currently doing laundry just to catch up and have uniforms ready the next 2 days and boy it's going to be a loooooong weekend. I'm prepared to work two 13 hour shifts!

Anyways, enough about work. I will now pause and take a moment to share with you the past few challenges. Day 26 asks me to tell you places I want to visit before I die. I have so many wonderful places to choose from so I'm going to make it simple and say "Out of America!" That's my biggest goal in life is to travel to new countries, experience new cultures and embrace the differences we share.

Day 27 requires of me to tell you why I am currently partaking in the 30 Day Challenge itself. I got the idea from Ali, a sweet high school friend of mine and I decided it would be a lot of fun and that I would learn plenty about myself during the days. I found out that even though procrastination is my middle name, I also have a bit of a slacker in me as well and perhaps you must not leave out, forgetfulness should be added via hyphenation! I promise it wasn't because I wanted to, it was merely just out of plain silliness. I didn't schedule it on my to-do lists and thus, is the reason I couldn't complete it in a timely manner.

I did try my best only slipping two or three times. (Laugh) I know. I'll do better in the next challenge! I'm hoping it will be as fun and educational as this. For me at least, I did learn quite a bit about myself in the past 35 some odd days.

Day 28 asks me to share two photos, one of which is of me last year at this time and one of me in the present space.

This was taken around this time last year. The only difference is I have a brighter hair colour, I worked a totally different job and I was 1,800 miles from where I am now, geographically speaking.
Jolee's 1st Pumpkin

That was the first time I'd ever carved a pumpkin myself. I'd probably seen Ernest do it once when I was younger, but my young uncle caused a lot of ruckus in the neighborhoods we lived in, which caused home damage via pumpkins, toiletries, etc. So we ditched the idea and I for one was terrified of costumed people especially Chuck E Cheese and other "animaled" characters. And clowns, oh man, they were the worst. I've been to the Circus once in my life and it was plenty. I'm hoping I can take my kids one day and show them how to face your fears of the unknown!

This year, I am totally in a melancholic tone. My world is focused solely on my recovery as an addict and taking care of my now terminally ill grandmother. I am in such a different mental mode. Last year I was scared because I wasn't sure about my job, my home life, and all other worries that I encountered. I wasn't sure of anything and this year is different. I am sure that I will not be thrown to the wolves, if not mentally, then physically speaking. I am also positive that I am who I am.

I will not change for anyone, but I do realize I am still growing up. I may have matured in a few ways, but there is a hell of a lot in this world I know not of. I have so much to learn and that scares me but I'm strong enough to brush it off. If people are surprised by my, of what is sure to be many more, first time experiences, I have ruled I cannot let it put a damper on my mood at the time.

I have a right to feel the emotions I please and that is a major difference between this year and last. I felt very humbled last year but also I felt very recluse. I felt that if I had a bad day, I wasn't able to show it. And not because the paparazzi were bugging me, (I wish) but simply because those around me knew I was sinking and felt the need to criticize me for "taking out my feelings on them." In their eyes, I was unable to help them in anyways because of how I felt at the moment. I hate that. I hate that my family, my loved ones could not and would not count on me, even for something as simple as directions.

We were all going through stressful times then but I could not help the situation, I only made it worse. I hope their loves ones will forgive me, and believe that most days I tried my absolute hardest. Even in the end I tried not to stay in bed all day and let my emotion consume me. I doubt I'll be given a 3rd chance to try and recover the past memories. But I simply would like to think that we all did our best, and we managed.

We tried to get 4 beautiful babies, er- kids through a really hard time in their lives and we survived. Somehow we pulled together and they're the better for it. As far as I know, they're dealing really, really well. At times I sob because I knew leaving them was absolutely the hardest thing to do. I knew it would be a long time, deep down, I knew it. I was in such denial about many things. I pray everyday for guidance and I hope they greet me with at least smiles the next time we embrace.

To Abigail, Olivia, William and Julia, I am forever grateful for your existences and I pray the Lord keeps your from harm. I also hope to see you again very, very soon.

All my love to everyone reading and corresponding. Your letters of encouragement are marvelously inspiring.
Blessed be.

Love, Light and Peace,
Jolee Summerville

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

30DC - Day 25 - In My Bag

If you look inside any young woman's purse you'll find a multitude of items! You might see some makeup, some hygiene products and perhaps a small bottle of pain reliever. Of course many girls do not think twice about what they stuff in their bags these days and they do not think about the people in this world who's filters may be blocked. This of course means that some put there will go into the purse looking for valuables such as jewelry, money and change.
I don't think young girls also think about protecting themselves especially when traveling alone or just with a group of friends even. I like to carry pepper spray and a pocket knife with me that also includes some special "survivor" tools. Some girls are sexually active and do not carry proper shields such as condoms or birth control thus leading them into an unplanned pregnancy.

I'm proud to say I'm not at that stage in my relationship with a certain someone as of late. We've both decided it best to take things day by day. It especially works well since we rarely see each other, some times as little as once a week. I don't go out much simply because I have too many responsibilities to think about and I just do not want to be sidetracked by whatever life decides to throw at me. I can't be around dangerous situations although the part of the city I live in is slightly unsavory.

I do my best to stick to work, home and very nearby spots. My guy lives just 5 miles or so from my house so it's really easy for us to meet. We both live in close proximity to our jobs at Arrowhead Stadium so that's also nice as a gas saver and a safety precaution. Unfortunately though, we do have to work late some nights so I worry sometimes when entering my vehicle as I leave. I always lock the doors but I have to manually unlock my door to get in which takes more time obviously than pushing a button.

I'm getting a lot better at paying very, very close attention to my surroundings as I am near or in my vehicle. I do not drink and drive nor do I drive heavily medicated. If I do drink more than a drink though I have friends who will either follow me home, take me home or allow me to crash at their place. I'm very lucky to have been allowed the blessing of safety and I pray that all of you are as well.

So I kind of rambled on about safety but it does all count what's in your bag! Make sure you are aware at all times girls! You're too special to lose! As always, blessed be.

Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee Summerville

Used Karma

Have you ever been through a series of sad circumstances only to realize before it's too late why it happened? Did you then see that all of it happened because you were the catalyst? It hit me the other day that I've lived and I've learned. I've just been contemplating whether or not this is really my doing.

I'm smart enough to see that I put myself through a lot of situations and for good reason. I believe that everything happens for a particular reason or another. I know that destiny has its way with beings and that there is a systematic order to life. It runs in a never ending circle or as I like to say it, "a never ending story!"

In recent days I have had to really focus on my priorities and see that maybe I wasn't wrong in coming back to Kansas City last winter. It in fact, probably wasn't so premature. There were many things that needed to happen in order for things to be the way they are now. I still cannot come to grips with the fact that I duped myself into believing this was for the best but now I am seeing there may have been a totally other reason.

While my life may truly be all about me, everyone's lives are all about them I learned a few years back, I still think that there may be another responsibility I am supposed to take care of before being able to focus all eyes on me. I lost my step-grandfather, Jim, 2 years ago this coming February. He died of single-cell carcinoma, or more specifically lung cancer which spread elsewhere.

Just 9 years ago this November 7th I lost my father figure Ernest, who I mention most times as "my dad." He raised me for 12 years and we were very, very close. I've never been closer to another human other than he and Julie, my Mama J who is not of blood relation to me or anyone I know. Ernie was in fact my first step- grandfather and he took part in the fraud induced by my birth mother. I don't want to get into it too much for fear of opening more cans of worms than I already have in the past ten years.

I digress from my point though in explaining family history. In recent events it has come to light that since I endured my father's death and was rather scathed by the event, I ran away when Jim was re-diagnosed with the same exact cancer just 2 years after being originally diagnosed and treated. I ran as far as my b.m.'s place since there was an invite and because I felt I had no strength to go through another loss.

Now as I said, recent events have brought to light many things. I believe that I was sent here this year to prevent myself from running away again in this time of struggle. This will give me time to reflect on my mental state in the previous events of losing a parent as well as compare the three states. Since this person has known me the longest and vice versa, it will be surprising to me how I take it. Of course we've had our major downs and a few ups so like I stated, it will be shocking or it may not be.

I think it's just the fact that everything is so undeniably undetermined and unpredictable. I'm not sure if I will be shunned or treated with worth during and after the passing. I guess my mantra of taking it day by day and even sometimes hour by hour will remain in full effect. I know how strong I thought I was, and after it's all over I'll be glad to say I made it through, and with how much grace for certain.

I hope this blog finds you reminiscing on your own mental ability to overcome strife! I want to hear about it so by all means post comments or lead me to your own blog.

Love, Light & Peace,

30DC - Day 24 - Shameful

On this challenge day I am supposed to share a story about my past. And not just any old story, a story about which I feel shameful about. To imply shame means to me, to imply that one regrets something. I honestly have to say I do not have any regrets about how I've lived my life. Every day and every lesson makes me stronger and wiser.

I wouldn't have it any other way no matter how tough it gets. I know it's all for the greater good. It's the grand design. But there are plenty of things I've done in my life that have granted me the right to feel shamed by them. I have one in mind that I'll share.

I remember that one day I was spending time at my mother's apartment. It was the year of 2001 and several of my many cousins and I were gathered here for a winter sleepover. I believe it was after Christmas day and us girls wanted time together. This was the year we lost my father figure, Ernest to lung cancer. It had been 4 years in a row of losing a member in the family, one a year.

One of these days we ended up playing hide and seek. In the game I was helping Carli, one of the middle cousins whom is younger than I, find her younger sister. I think she had found me and perhaps I was angry at being found? I do remember knowing in which room Kaylee was hiding in but not the exact location.

Carli asked me if I knew where she was and I pointed to the room. She found her sister just a few moments later. The next thing I know Kaylee is shouting that it wasn't fair that I told Carli where she'd been hidden. I'm thinking she saw me point to the room and wanted to tattle, as a lot of children tend to do. I had to explain that Carli asked me where KayKay was and I only pointed in that direction.

I was told I had not played fairly and had to be removed from playing anymore. I don't know exactly why this sticks out. Maybe it is because I don't get to spend much time ever with the girls and now we're all spread out across many states. It's just not a terribly pleasant memory with them and I wish things had gone differently. They all know me as the good girl and they've probably since forgotten this particular incident but I remember it very well.

I'm excited to be getting ready for the holiday season here in super cold Kansas City, even though it's been a really rough year. I would love to be home in sunny San Diego and I have faith my creator will take me back exceptionally soon. I hope you all are doing well and holding loved ones near. You may not have much time left, so make the rest of it you have positive!

Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee Summerville

Monday, October 25, 2010

30DC - Day 23 - Cravings

Cravings is not only an amazing eatery in Los Angeles that I love, love, love to eat at but it is within our human nature to exhibit this thinking pattern. I know a craving is basically a desire. More specifically it is a great yearning for something. And what is it exactly do I yearn for?

I not only get hankerings for food such as cheeseburgers or grilled chicken paninis, I also have desires of the emotional kind as well. My physical cravings often have to do with satiation of the stomach and sometimes I long for someone to press against to when I need intimacy with another. But mentally I often find myself longing for stability. I think we all, at young ages, wish that the waters of life aren't so choppy and things can perhaps be foreseen in some ways.

I do like that life is unpredictable so in that sense I will never get bored. But when those waters become so rough and the sky darkens, I wish the sun would come out and dry up all the rain! I do realize that without sadness and pain there would be no room for compassion. There would be no real appreciation for the blessings we've all been endowed with.

There are plenty of times I look around and I think to myself "How did I get here? How can I get out of this?" And most of those times now I am able to calm myself and change that way of thinking into positivity. I can think, "It doesn't matter how rough things seem, because there is always someplace worse than here. There are people out there dying a harsh death all for the greater good." No matter how lonely or shaky my boat seems to be, I can always talk myself into seeing that I will be just fine.

There will come a day when peace of mind isn't such a conversation to be had but it will come naturally. I hope that for you, peace isn't far. I also hope that your cravings are of a different kind and are attainable. If you ever need someone to listen and not judge you've found a friend in me!

My email is JAtkinsSummerville @ Gmail

Never hesitate to email me if you seriously need a new perspective. I'm always right here. Well, almost always.  I hope these words find you deciding what your craving and how it suits your life. As always, blessed be my friends.

Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee Summerville

30DC - Day 22 - Different From The Rest

(From Sunday. One day late.)
Oh man. I am now supposed to share with you one reason I'm different from everyone else. Well, other than the fact that truly no one out there looks exactly like me... and I think we're all grateful, I do believe that we each have a purpose. Every individual has some reason or another for being and here I don't believe in babies as 'accidents.' I mean, yes, life "surprises" some married people who have not been protecting the uterus from the male's offering but honestly, if you're being unprotected there's a great chance of catching if not a baby then something else for sure.

We have to be careful obviously. And that leads me into the reason I am here. I surmise that I am on this gorgeous Earth to provide assistance to others. It's as simple as that. I do not care whether those in need are old, young, big or little. I have one main goal in life and that is primarily to serve others, within reason of course. I will not allow myself to be used or to be stepped all over figuratively speaking as one would use a doormat.

I want those around me to feel like I am there to hand out comfort, words of kindness and physical assistance when need be. That said, I do try to aim to my targets and not let leeches hang onto me. I will do all that I can do in any given situation to make everyone feel at ease. I do not know exactly what the future holds, but wherever you find me, you'll most likely see me lending a hand.

To all those who need a friend, you've come to the right female.

Love, Light & Peace,
Jolee Summerville