Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Used Karma

Have you ever been through a series of sad circumstances only to realize before it's too late why it happened? Did you then see that all of it happened because you were the catalyst? It hit me the other day that I've lived and I've learned. I've just been contemplating whether or not this is really my doing.

I'm smart enough to see that I put myself through a lot of situations and for good reason. I believe that everything happens for a particular reason or another. I know that destiny has its way with beings and that there is a systematic order to life. It runs in a never ending circle or as I like to say it, "a never ending story!"

In recent days I have had to really focus on my priorities and see that maybe I wasn't wrong in coming back to Kansas City last winter. It in fact, probably wasn't so premature. There were many things that needed to happen in order for things to be the way they are now. I still cannot come to grips with the fact that I duped myself into believing this was for the best but now I am seeing there may have been a totally other reason.

While my life may truly be all about me, everyone's lives are all about them I learned a few years back, I still think that there may be another responsibility I am supposed to take care of before being able to focus all eyes on me. I lost my step-grandfather, Jim, 2 years ago this coming February. He died of single-cell carcinoma, or more specifically lung cancer which spread elsewhere.

Just 9 years ago this November 7th I lost my father figure Ernest, who I mention most times as "my dad." He raised me for 12 years and we were very, very close. I've never been closer to another human other than he and Julie, my Mama J who is not of blood relation to me or anyone I know. Ernie was in fact my first step- grandfather and he took part in the fraud induced by my birth mother. I don't want to get into it too much for fear of opening more cans of worms than I already have in the past ten years.

I digress from my point though in explaining family history. In recent events it has come to light that since I endured my father's death and was rather scathed by the event, I ran away when Jim was re-diagnosed with the same exact cancer just 2 years after being originally diagnosed and treated. I ran as far as my b.m.'s place since there was an invite and because I felt I had no strength to go through another loss.

Now as I said, recent events have brought to light many things. I believe that I was sent here this year to prevent myself from running away again in this time of struggle. This will give me time to reflect on my mental state in the previous events of losing a parent as well as compare the three states. Since this person has known me the longest and vice versa, it will be surprising to me how I take it. Of course we've had our major downs and a few ups so like I stated, it will be shocking or it may not be.

I think it's just the fact that everything is so undeniably undetermined and unpredictable. I'm not sure if I will be shunned or treated with worth during and after the passing. I guess my mantra of taking it day by day and even sometimes hour by hour will remain in full effect. I know how strong I thought I was, and after it's all over I'll be glad to say I made it through, and with how much grace for certain.

I hope this blog finds you reminiscing on your own mental ability to overcome strife! I want to hear about it so by all means post comments or lead me to your own blog.

Love, Light & Peace,

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