Wednesday, April 22, 2009

I'm SO Nervous!

I am frazzled as of late. It's about all this excitement from moving and so many things going on here! There is so much to do before I announce my departure to everyone. I am afraid of their reactions though I'm not sure why. I'm going to do it anyways! I guess I just want everyone to have faith in me that I can make it on my own. My grandmother, of course says, "No you can't!" She's not trying to be rude in a controlling way, it's more of a lack of faith kind of rude. She has no sense of my real self but at least she knows what it's like to be 20 and broke. But she had kids and I do not, so this should not be too much of an issue for me. I dont think my move to LA will be too rough. I cannot believe I am forced to actually sit down every week and talk for 2 hours to the old family members all to reassure everyone. I have to be around in the evenings so I dont appear sullen and withdrawn. It's all a facade I suppose and one I despise living in. The only way to truly get away from them is to be on my own, and literally ON MY OWN. It's a crazy world we live in but a beautiful one too. We've only got ourselves to take care of which is what's most important. I have to take care of things myself. I've only got me to blame for my mistakes, my insecurities. I want to prove to everyone and myself that I am a winner. I guess this is a lifelong journey? I just really want to be happy. I mean, I am happy and thoroughly grateful for all the loving people I have in my life, and everything else but here without my loved ones near, and not doing what I love because of others expectations, I am quite unhappy.

There are brief pure moments here and there of exquisite joy and happiness. I am carefree and ready to ride. Others are pretty cruel and vile and this is when I seem to be restless, moody and insensitive. I need to re-strike a cord with balance. Moving home, (to my 2nd home in California) is the nest thing I need right now. I'm just getting back in touch with the Lord. I hate to admit that because I have been selfish all these years and have fallen. I do stick to my Buddhist beliefs but obviously I am applying them to God's rules. I still will never believe half of the Bible, but hey I guess I'll know for sure when I die? I guess I'm fully Agnostic now and not classified as Buddhist. I am really excited for what's coming because I know the world is mine for the taking. I have so many plans and ideas for the future! It's going to be a crazy month and a half, especially with paying off my first credit card, and a cruise coming in October (!) and SO many other things to pay off, but I'M READY!

Bring it on life, I'm so ready to just go for a ride!

Love, Light and Peace,

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