Hello again "followers," (I prefer supporters, by the way)
I write this blog post, not to add to the endless drama that seems to surround every millisecond of my family's lives, but rather to focus on my feelings about a new experience or rather the same experience but in a new world. I've changed for the better over the past 3 years and this blog is evidence to that. I want to reiterate that my posts are not to cause more pain and suffering on those who incorporate their selves shamelessly into my life all the while saying how negative I am. I am purposefully voicing my opinions on my own time, in my own home.
As I research people who have similar backgrounds meaning, being abandoned essentially, and I'm finding that more and more have said the pain never goes away but if you're determined enough you CAN get past it and live a healthy, productively normal life. It is all about your perspective and how you choose to deal with your issues. I myself have rough days and many more lately because I have not been forthcoming with all of my feelings.
And when I am open and honest I feel like I'm not being heard. And if I am being heard my words are literally being shoved aside.I feel like everyone has a rebuttal and I'm the annoyed but impatient stock buyer on the other end who is hesitant but says "Ok, let's try it." I have tried and tried and TRIED, (did I tell you I have TRIED) so so so hard to step back and let my family ask ME for once to be involved. I am still waiting for the call. I am still hoping they will miss me in time enough to say "Crap, I really should have not just asked her to help. Maybe I should've spent an hour or two a month with just her, cause she's is pretty marvelous after all. Plus I need a sitter next week and she doesn't charge." Oh wait, that already did happen.
Now that I have made my feelings very clear on how I am treated by everyone in my large family (there are 43 including myself and the kids, and spouses and all that) I am still hurt but lowering my expectations to 0! I don't believe a change is coming anytime soon but for my the the waiting game is the absolute worst. I literally cry every day because I miss my nephews and I know they miss me. For now I shall live my life, doing right by others, working hard and playing hard. Because I fucking deserve it! (Oh sorry... I'll refrain from the anger words!)
I know times are tough everywhere so I encourage you all to pray and love hard with me! We're in this TOGETHER!
Love, Light & Peace,