My Biggest Lesson

As I sit here and listen to the mid-August cicadas sing to attract a mate, it is seldom far from my mind that this is what I like to do as well. I am watching the sun set here in the Midwestern state of Missouri and I'm thinking back to the many previous sunsets I hatve been privileged to see in other states recently. Most notably, in the very state of California. I am also watching the sun set over the beach on my "Gmail" page! It's so amazingly breathtaking to see the differences in God's paints in many parts of this grand nation. Though the beach is my absolute favorite place to be and I consider it home, I do believe I've shared some great experiences with family right here in the Southeast and even up Northeast int the past 3 months! I'm excited to announce that this year will be ended on a better note than the previous as I will most likely be able to enjoy it more.

I'm planning big things for 2011 but I do realize that I need to "swim" on past Summer and next Autumn before I even go to the new year! The leaves will be turning colors soon, and the falling to the cooler grounds below. Unfortunately that wont be happening for another 8 weeks from now or possibly even longer! And I pray the heat will subside very quickly. But until then I will be busy preparing to return to (online) school and starting driving myself places again. (sigh) I'm ready to venture out into the real world again and give up on meeting others steep expectations. Because, after all, this is all about me.

That said, I also want to point out that I'm getting more and more involved with the local community to support VolunteerKC.org which puts willing participants in touch with coordinators who need help in all different areas. I'm excited about working with Children's Mercy hospital as well as St. Luke's to greet visitors and answer any questions they may have about their surroundings. I'm all set up in the job department which makes me feel better about saving some time to help others. That way, I will never get bored and I get to serve up smiles! And it's inexpensive. (If you do not count jacked up gas prices!)

Another way I am opening up is now I am interviewing (well, sort of) vocal coaches. Because if you know me, you know I enjoy performing very much. Singing is one aspect of putting on a good show and I'm so glad I've found the courage to return to my roots. I just need a bit of support and that's always a wonderful thing. The idea is to socialize with people other than co-workers and family all the time. It's a beautiful time when friends get together to have some good, clean fun. Mini golf and go-karts anyone? And perhaps while enjoying a bath at home (wait, when do I take baths?) maybe even grab a glass or two (or three) of relaxing Pinot Noir. No one else I know appreciates wine, but let me tell you, beer gets old and I do not prefer hard liquor so I'm glad to get a whole box to myself! Yes, I do believe in tippin' and sippin'!

Alcohol aside, life has finally in some ways calmed down, but still we all must deal with familial stresses as well as work-related issues. I hope anyone who's reading has taken the time to really observe and report. Really get down to the priorities in life! For me, it's playing and working all while trying to get back to that home spot in which I relish the alone time the most! The beach!

Keep working hard and pursuing your own goals. After all, it is ALL ABOUT YOU! (Hence, the title, My BIGGEST lesson!)

Love, Light and yes, more Peace.

Jolee.

"Jolee's Back, All Right!"

I've been paying plenty of attention to clarify my soul. I dont think anyone else minds except when it's convienient. They make thier points and objections on various decisions I need to make, but it's in one ear and out the otha' for me. I have to be my own guide. I've gotten much thicker skin and a better toned body in the last 3 months. I put my mind to it and it's happening. The world is at my feet and I'm ready to gather it up. No matter where my journey takes me, I will always carry with me some extra sweet memories as well as some bitter ones which remind me how to navigate the sometimes choppy waters of life. I will always remember that somewhere out there, in many places to be certain, people in masses are suffering. They are truly struggling to survive thier hardships. Many of these people maintain hope and kindness. They understand that you get back what you put out.

I'm not worried about me at all, because at this moment, I am free. I am more open to handle whatever is thrown my way, whether that be unemployment or stinky family members!!! I'm more worried about those who cannot seem to overcome the daily stresses of family life. I guess I'm just praticing my patience temperament here! I know in my heart that I am safe, happy, loved and healthy, and many of my loved ones are as well. I wish nothing but peace and harmonious flow to everyone I cross paths with. We all deserve a little happiness.

I am now at a place in my head where I can look in the mirror as I put my face on, and see the real me. I'm happy with the progress I've made and I know I can do better! Who's with me?! My goals for June is to 1) explore different sources of income & expression and, 2) spread some summer cheer!!!!

I'll leave you with this thought... "Patience, persistance, and perspiration make an unbeatable combination for success." ~ Napoleon Hill

Love, Light and Peace.
Jol

Writing more and more...

I want to write this document with conviction, and dignity. I don't want to slander anything or mince my words. I want to be open, honest without giving too much.

"I'm so bruised right now. And I cannot deny the symptoms. Manic, circular thinking, paranoia, suicidal thoughts, proactive thoughts, insomnia, lack of emotion, outbursts of hysteria, headaches, muscles aches, loss/gain of appetite. I sound like a big "complaint" box. I have to get out of here, this world is making me ill! But after having gone through the accident and being, jobless, no car, in a basement, albeit in a much better location, I'm exhausted. I still have the decency to know I will be just fine. People out there have it so much worse! I've 'got to keep my head up, gotta hold my hands up, gotta keep on breathin'. Thank you Britney for the inspiration!"

"I'm at a stand still on moving back home. I owe these idiots (oops) but I'm not too worried. I know they're all gonna DIE when I tell them the news. It's gotta be soon. I've got a job and I've got will. I'll be home before summer's end! "What now, what now?" Oh Kaci Brown, I love your beautiful soul! CA or Bust?" - April 18th, 2009

I write again on May 10th and then on July 26th, after I moved (or 'displaced myself'). And it's a much different head space. A floaty one.

Overall, I can see in my writings a young, motivated, somewhat confused woman who can take care of herself.

And after rereading this, it's obviously confusing and not the point. I mean to say that I don't think I can surrender to my life I'd previously had. This is a reminder to keep your bridges up, but burn them if needed! I have to say, that time has come. No looking back. "Purge all thoughts of the life you knew before." Once again, music holds my hand in this and every lifetime! Thanks to Mr. Webber and Mr. Butler for this fine piece of art...

I leave you with this... Blessed be my friends and loved ones. I want peace for us all.

Love. Light. Peace.
Jolee

Hide And Seek - Proving A Point

I cannot even begin to describe how my life has changed or even how my day went. I'm practically speechless at the moment. I just got off of the telephone with a ol' family member and I was prompted to write about it. I need to make a point.

There are certain facts I know. There's a moon and a sun. There's the ocean which I love. There's laughter in every Gerard Butler film. (Trust me there is something funny in each movie, we're counting one certain male friend and I!) And there are the new facts that you've recently discovered. Those facts that you keep saying "Really? Seriously? Seriously?" to. And after a while a few things start to confirm that fact. And sometimes either one thing distinguishes for good if it is fact or a fallacy.

As of April 2009 I had decided that I was crazy. Mentally ill all over if you know what I mean. My body was exhausted from my mental illness and of course this was all self projected at the time. I was paranoid, anxious and nervous, frequently moody or disturbed, into a state of tears and shakes sometimes.

I remember one day it was still chilly outside because I was on my way with my sister to drop off a laptop to some man she'd sold it to on Craigslist, and of course I had no coat on. "I'm always COLD!" (Huh not anymore!) I was completely distracted because I was on the phone with my grand MOTHER and falling apart second by second. I ended up sobbing while rehashing the events that occurred the night before which included a phone call to my incarcerated uncle. My sister told the truth about a car someone had bought for me. I was devastated to say the least. 3rd times a charm. She got me out of her life for good then didn't she? :I

I believe this was around the time my 2nd step-grandfather had passed away. I was overwhelmed with working 35 hours a week at Denny's, having a full time school load, grieving, and being abused by my loved ones. I was, like I said 'exhausted.' I have to admit I wasn't very strong then. I looked for a crutch or a solace anywhere I could.

I have to stop myself right here. I could go on and on about that awful, disgusting time I lived in. There have been so many times before that. I'm writing this to prove a point. That I am really moving on and letting go. In so many ways! DELUSIONAL is the right word but it was certainly aimed at the wrong Williams descendant! For those who haven't been informed of this delightful piece of ol' family trivia, my ancestory (on my maternal side) dates back to William Penn in England, is where the aforementioned name was derived from.

My point is this... I am not delusional. If you REREAD my words in the first 4 paragraphs (which I have done before I posted this) it is all TRUE. There are no names, not needed. "You guys were so right about that." (One thing big whoop.) But the rest of it is my life. I was raised by my loving step-grandfather Ernest and honest grandmother Donna Atkins. For 13 years of my life they were married; never divorced. (I'm not mocking I swear. Just read on.) It's all I've ever known. I've been sheltered and protected there's no doubt. But for those same 13 years I was always left out of the loop. The VERY big freaking loop. "Keep hur duhmb and ny-eeeeve."

But now I'm stronger! I may have a lot of issues... ay let me count them... and I'm better than everyone perceived me to be, but I'm not bitter and I'm not angry. In fact I'm very happy and not so delusional. I cant read the stories above with false titles. I will no longer succumb to that secret any longer. I will no longer be that same girl they once described as "erratic, stoned out cunt" by well, a complete psychopath.

I've made new self-fulfilling prophecies and they're all positive and some are even fescennine! ("Look it up!" as Mrs. Farran, my fiesty, SVC, English teacher would say...) I was going to use 'scatological' but no one I know (except for T!) has even seen "The Ugly Truth" yet! Ha ha he he ha ha ho!

I used to say to Jules that "my futa's so bright, I need some shades!" And it totally rings true today! I AM FREE!

Now on to therapy... ;)

Love, Light and Peace... Blessed be everyone (especially those named in this blog, I love you!)

Donnie aka "Jolee Summerville"

Ambiance...

"The special atmosphere or mood created by a particular environment."

This is nothing new to me. I know the definition of ambiance, but when do we ever stop and look around to see the true specialty of the environment that surrounds us? I've been here, there and many other places and at times the world seems horrifying and daunting. And in other parts it is absolutely heaven. Although I believe you are your environment, 'obstackles' do occur! Even though we may not always see the good in a situation or get what we want, we can always find peace in the fact that the true beauty is there. And if you're determined enough, you'll see it in every form.

I've been living my life with purpose for the past few weeks even though it feels like I could die at any moment. Anyone who's ever tried supporting themselves after years of tears and shelter-ation (Yes, I think I made up another word!) knows that it's a mental process. To keep your spirits up when it feels like the whole world is about to shake and crumble is a tough but enlightening gift.

I used to think it was all about acting. But then I realized you dont have to put a mask on when you're not at work. Not that that is any excuse for anyone to go out and be a rude and cruel individual because of a slightly less-than-happy mood. It's wierd some things just come naturally to you but other things tend to slip away. It's funny the things you notice in retrospect.

Obviously I could have handled the past year a lot better, but I do think I'm taking it easier than I did after my 'father' figure Ernest passed away in 2001. I had some support after that and probably have more now because I'm not in the midst of my personal lair any longer. Wait a second, isn't a lair for wild animals? Ohhhh that's right, I'm a lioness!!

There have many so many disappointments in the past twelve months but much learning and positive cognizance has also come from it. I'm gaining more and more strength as the days flash by. Just when I believe I have nothing left in me, my guide reminds me I am here for a reason. I am here to show everyone compassion and love. I am not however here to be walked on and abused. It's hard to 'purge all thoughts of the life you knew before." (I had to quote The Phantom Of The Opera in at least ONE blog!) It's been a long 20 years.

Now that I'm entering my 21st year of life I can see myself from the past how much I've changed. There are still so many developments occuring that I wont see thier outcome for a while but it's amazing what the brain does for you. Lately I've had the worst guilty conscience but I know it's because all that has been injected into my mind has been somewhat calculated and manipulative. I've been deceived and I've also done some myself. But I dont want to be a deceiver any longer! I'm a strong believer in positive thinking and only I can moniter my thoughts.

"Oh oh letting go. There's nothing in the way now. Oh letting go, there's room enough to fly. And even though, she's spent her whole life waiting. It's never easy letting go."

OH Suzy Bogguss, have you been through this too??!! (How completely f-ing ironic.) And wierd. I've been hearing that song since the time I was born... well not really but you get the picture... 18 years is about right!

I want to point out that while I miss my old peoples in the ol' Midwest, uh... that's all I got. I dont think I can say what I mean, because it's obvious I'm at a loss for words. It's not goodbye to the people, it's goodbye to the perspective, to 'Donette's' whole shallow perspective. I know for some that doesn't make sense, or it sounds like MPD, but I assure you I'm not crazy or delusional, at least not now anyways!!

I'm a woman now. Not a little naive, well-protected little child. And I'm flying. ;)

This blog is dedicated to all of the "Donette's" of the world, so to speak. May you live long, bring peace to your life and your loved ones, and MOST OF ALL be happy!

Love, Light and Paz,

Jolee Summerville x0x0

and let no one suffer because of me....

Straight answers may be hard to come by right now, especially if the questions themselves are as complicated and twisty as any maze. Clearly, the astrological lesson here is that you need to learn how to make up your own mind. Get a little clarity and focus on what you want the outcome of the situation to be, then make your decisions and stand behind them. Once your colleagues and friends see what a success you can be, they'll be coming to you for advice.

This is what Astrology.com says about me for August 5th. I guess it sort of hits the spot and it kind of pertains to my situation but I think it's just obvious. I already know this! I know the universe will supply me with my every desire as long as I eat, breathe, drink, sleep and live ABUNDANTLY! (Apparently. It got me here!)

It's been a few weeks since I've returned to San Diego and I've got to tell ya, I'm feeling pretty good about this.

I have no personal or work drama nor do I have actual television to distract me from what I really want to do. I want to work and save money, continue flourishing in the fine arts, and continue my education. (Oh and drive. Yeah, I forgot to mention that I want to DRIIIIVVVEEE!)

I dont care how long it takes me to make it to be a singer or a psychologist or anything. Right now I am a student who's working to build an oasis and system for herself. I'm also bright, caring and hardworking if anyone asks. Yes there are days I dont do some dishes or even my makeup. I have my moments. But if you ask politely, I'm sure I'll be glad to give anyone a hand in anything they need. I love to serve others. (Wait, that sounds a bit too Cinderella.) I love to assist others. There, that's better!

I have encountered a group called the Elks and they meet at the Lodge each week as a club. It's a members-only kind of thing and they let me jump right in to serve at Burger nights and hopefully even some nicer affairs as well.

I've also been working with a theater based production company named Infinite Kids Inc. and we've produced an awesome video about cultures with two young musicians/actors Adrienne and Andrew. I cant wait to post the link to it for YouTube. I did quite a bit of work with these kids and it was a blast!

Next up is work, work, work. What I do best. I'm certain that I'm strong enough to work and go to school and be in a play. (Yes, I plan to scout for auditions once I get larger wheels than bike ones!) I did it all before. And I'm sure Mrs. Smith is going to warn me about putting too much "on my plate." But she knows what it's like to have to work for your life. I want a satisfying life filled with fun, laughter, peace, some struggle and productivity. I want to make a difference anywhere I can. I know I can do it instantly, I've seen it. So now I'm ready to continue being active so that my thoughts become my actions. If you've read 'The Secret' you know what I mean.

Oh and I've decided two things: I want a guy-friend and I want long hair. Both probably make me look much better! I do need a full-time companion and I know I'm ready for it. So, take me into the dating world universe but dont kill me!

I hope you all are doing well at this moment. I'm content. I'm happy. I'm not high. (So there.) It's 2:30 am and I need some rest so I'll leave you with these words...

Just as the soft rains fill the streams,
pour into the rivers and join together in the oceans,
so may the power of every moment of your goodness
flow forth to awaken and heal all beings,
Those here now, those gone before, those yet to come.

By the power of every moment of your goodness
May your heart's wishes be soon fulfilled
as completely shining as the bright full moon,
as magically as by a wish-fulfilling gem.

By the power of every moment of your goodness
May all dangers be averted and all disease be gone.
May no obstacle come across your way.
May you enjoy fulfillment and long life.

For all in whose heart dwells respect,
who follow the wisdom and compassion, of the Way,
May your life prosper in the four blessings
of old age, beauty, happiness and strength

Ahhhhhhhhh.... sweet dreams.

Love, light and peace,
Jolee

Me Improving? How UNHEARD of...

It's not longer a secret that I am moving on in pursuit of some pretty amazing feats. I am so proud of myself for deciding to take this step. I still have much growing up to do. I still have a lot of anger that needs to be relinquished. Moving into the world and cutting myself off from all I've ever known in a great thing. I haven't learned how to be a productive, self-reliant individual. Okay well that's not terribly true, but I have seen myself sabotage things out of laziness or just lack of interest.

There are things I choose to believe. There are people I choose to associate with. I don't feel I have to defend myself over the things I do or say any longer. I am my own parent, my own guide. It's such a terrific freedom to me to just move on. I know that in the end things will end up as they should be. I hope it isn't like the fantastically sad dream I had last night. I ended up paying off my family in order to keep them away from me and my new "Hollywood" crowd. Everyone got 10,000 dollars from me and I ended up crying in the dream and after I woke.

My wish for my friends and family is simple: Peace.

I usually end up stirring the pot because I like to join in on the fun too. But I've got to control my emotions long enough to stave off the impulse to ream my unloved ones online. We all have people in our lives, not just family, but co-workers, peers, etc who constantly feed us negativity. I am a believer in the truth that you are your environment. If you say you're struggling you are struggling. If you say you're not worthy then you are not worthy.

I am a happy and loving person. I am filled with compassion and pity. Some days I am only human and I let my emotions take over my mouth. I say what I need to say. I feel better but ultimately no one ever likes the truth. And especially not the harsh truth.

I am one to learn from my mistakes. I am not a failure and will rise above the hostile cloud. I only hope that in good time everyone will learn to accept who I am. Jolee Atkins-Summerville. Actress, singer, amateur photographer, future social worker/psychologist, etc, etc.

Oh and I have to admit... I love seeing how people react to me and whatever I do. I am fascinated with the way we are all connected and how we affect one another. Whether we want to admit this or not, we do love attention. We all have people in our realms that inspire us to do this thing or that. So thank you to all of the lovies and even the naysayers. I only strive to prove you all wrong! Ha ha! (I think I should type in every blog that it's purely unintended if it comes across as mean. I'm not mean unless you provoke me.)

So... here's to another blog in which I pray I come across as sincere and direct. I am who I am. Deal with it. :)

Love, Light and Peace,
Jolee