Hide And Seek - Proving A Point

I cannot even begin to describe how my life has changed or even how my day went. I'm practically speechless at the moment. I just got off of the telephone with a ol' family member and I was prompted to write about it. I need to make a point.

There are certain facts I know. There's a moon and a sun. There's the ocean which I love. There's laughter in every Gerard Butler film. (Trust me there is something funny in each movie, we're counting one certain male friend and I!) And there are the new facts that you've recently discovered. Those facts that you keep saying "Really? Seriously? Seriously?" to. And after a while a few things start to confirm that fact. And sometimes either one thing distinguishes for good if it is fact or a fallacy.

As of April 2009 I had decided that I was crazy. Mentally ill all over if you know what I mean. My body was exhausted from my mental illness and of course this was all self projected at the time. I was paranoid, anxious and nervous, frequently moody or disturbed, into a state of tears and shakes sometimes.

I remember one day it was still chilly outside because I was on my way with my sister to drop off a laptop to some man she'd sold it to on Craigslist, and of course I had no coat on. "I'm always COLD!" (Huh not anymore!) I was completely distracted because I was on the phone with my grand MOTHER and falling apart second by second. I ended up sobbing while rehashing the events that occurred the night before which included a phone call to my incarcerated uncle. My sister told the truth about a car someone had bought for me. I was devastated to say the least. 3rd times a charm. She got me out of her life for good then didn't she? :I

I believe this was around the time my 2nd step-grandfather had passed away. I was overwhelmed with working 35 hours a week at Denny's, having a full time school load, grieving, and being abused by my loved ones. I was, like I said 'exhausted.' I have to admit I wasn't very strong then. I looked for a crutch or a solace anywhere I could.

I have to stop myself right here. I could go on and on about that awful, disgusting time I lived in. There have been so many times before that. I'm writing this to prove a point. That I am really moving on and letting go. In so many ways! DELUSIONAL is the right word but it was certainly aimed at the wrong Williams descendant! For those who haven't been informed of this delightful piece of ol' family trivia, my ancestory (on my maternal side) dates back to William Penn in England, is where the aforementioned name was derived from.

My point is this... I am not delusional. If you REREAD my words in the first 4 paragraphs (which I have done before I posted this) it is all TRUE. There are no names, not needed. "You guys were so right about that." (One thing big whoop.) But the rest of it is my life. I was raised by my loving step-grandfather Ernest and honest grandmother Donna Atkins. For 13 years of my life they were married; never divorced. (I'm not mocking I swear. Just read on.) It's all I've ever known. I've been sheltered and protected there's no doubt. But for those same 13 years I was always left out of the loop. The VERY big freaking loop. "Keep hur duhmb and ny-eeeeve."

But now I'm stronger! I may have a lot of issues... ay let me count them... and I'm better than everyone perceived me to be, but I'm not bitter and I'm not angry. In fact I'm very happy and not so delusional. I cant read the stories above with false titles. I will no longer succumb to that secret any longer. I will no longer be that same girl they once described as "erratic, stoned out cunt" by well, a complete psychopath.

I've made new self-fulfilling prophecies and they're all positive and some are even fescennine! ("Look it up!" as Mrs. Farran, my fiesty, SVC, English teacher would say...) I was going to use 'scatological' but no one I know (except for T!) has even seen "The Ugly Truth" yet! Ha ha he he ha ha ho!

I used to say to Jules that "my futa's so bright, I need some shades!" And it totally rings true today! I AM FREE!

Now on to therapy... ;)

Love, Light and Peace... Blessed be everyone (especially those named in this blog, I love you!)

Donnie aka "Jolee Summerville"

Ambiance...

"The special atmosphere or mood created by a particular environment."

This is nothing new to me. I know the definition of ambiance, but when do we ever stop and look around to see the true specialty of the environment that surrounds us? I've been here, there and many other places and at times the world seems horrifying and daunting. And in other parts it is absolutely heaven. Although I believe you are your environment, 'obstackles' do occur! Even though we may not always see the good in a situation or get what we want, we can always find peace in the fact that the true beauty is there. And if you're determined enough, you'll see it in every form.

I've been living my life with purpose for the past few weeks even though it feels like I could die at any moment. Anyone who's ever tried supporting themselves after years of tears and shelter-ation (Yes, I think I made up another word!) knows that it's a mental process. To keep your spirits up when it feels like the whole world is about to shake and crumble is a tough but enlightening gift.

I used to think it was all about acting. But then I realized you dont have to put a mask on when you're not at work. Not that that is any excuse for anyone to go out and be a rude and cruel individual because of a slightly less-than-happy mood. It's wierd some things just come naturally to you but other things tend to slip away. It's funny the things you notice in retrospect.

Obviously I could have handled the past year a lot better, but I do think I'm taking it easier than I did after my 'father' figure Ernest passed away in 2001. I had some support after that and probably have more now because I'm not in the midst of my personal lair any longer. Wait a second, isn't a lair for wild animals? Ohhhh that's right, I'm a lioness!!

There have many so many disappointments in the past twelve months but much learning and positive cognizance has also come from it. I'm gaining more and more strength as the days flash by. Just when I believe I have nothing left in me, my guide reminds me I am here for a reason. I am here to show everyone compassion and love. I am not however here to be walked on and abused. It's hard to 'purge all thoughts of the life you knew before." (I had to quote The Phantom Of The Opera in at least ONE blog!) It's been a long 20 years.

Now that I'm entering my 21st year of life I can see myself from the past how much I've changed. There are still so many developments occuring that I wont see thier outcome for a while but it's amazing what the brain does for you. Lately I've had the worst guilty conscience but I know it's because all that has been injected into my mind has been somewhat calculated and manipulative. I've been deceived and I've also done some myself. But I dont want to be a deceiver any longer! I'm a strong believer in positive thinking and only I can moniter my thoughts.

"Oh oh letting go. There's nothing in the way now. Oh letting go, there's room enough to fly. And even though, she's spent her whole life waiting. It's never easy letting go."

OH Suzy Bogguss, have you been through this too??!! (How completely f-ing ironic.) And wierd. I've been hearing that song since the time I was born... well not really but you get the picture... 18 years is about right!

I want to point out that while I miss my old peoples in the ol' Midwest, uh... that's all I got. I dont think I can say what I mean, because it's obvious I'm at a loss for words. It's not goodbye to the people, it's goodbye to the perspective, to 'Donette's' whole shallow perspective. I know for some that doesn't make sense, or it sounds like MPD, but I assure you I'm not crazy or delusional, at least not now anyways!!

I'm a woman now. Not a little naive, well-protected little child. And I'm flying. ;)

This blog is dedicated to all of the "Donette's" of the world, so to speak. May you live long, bring peace to your life and your loved ones, and MOST OF ALL be happy!

Love, Light and Paz,

Jolee Summerville x0x0

and let no one suffer because of me....

Straight answers may be hard to come by right now, especially if the questions themselves are as complicated and twisty as any maze. Clearly, the astrological lesson here is that you need to learn how to make up your own mind. Get a little clarity and focus on what you want the outcome of the situation to be, then make your decisions and stand behind them. Once your colleagues and friends see what a success you can be, they'll be coming to you for advice.

This is what Astrology.com says about me for August 5th. I guess it sort of hits the spot and it kind of pertains to my situation but I think it's just obvious. I already know this! I know the universe will supply me with my every desire as long as I eat, breathe, drink, sleep and live ABUNDANTLY! (Apparently. It got me here!)

It's been a few weeks since I've returned to San Diego and I've got to tell ya, I'm feeling pretty good about this.

I have no personal or work drama nor do I have actual television to distract me from what I really want to do. I want to work and save money, continue flourishing in the fine arts, and continue my education. (Oh and drive. Yeah, I forgot to mention that I want to DRIIIIVVVEEE!)

I dont care how long it takes me to make it to be a singer or a psychologist or anything. Right now I am a student who's working to build an oasis and system for herself. I'm also bright, caring and hardworking if anyone asks. Yes there are days I dont do some dishes or even my makeup. I have my moments. But if you ask politely, I'm sure I'll be glad to give anyone a hand in anything they need. I love to serve others. (Wait, that sounds a bit too Cinderella.) I love to assist others. There, that's better!

I have encountered a group called the Elks and they meet at the Lodge each week as a club. It's a members-only kind of thing and they let me jump right in to serve at Burger nights and hopefully even some nicer affairs as well.

I've also been working with a theater based production company named Infinite Kids Inc. and we've produced an awesome video about cultures with two young musicians/actors Adrienne and Andrew. I cant wait to post the link to it for YouTube. I did quite a bit of work with these kids and it was a blast!

Next up is work, work, work. What I do best. I'm certain that I'm strong enough to work and go to school and be in a play. (Yes, I plan to scout for auditions once I get larger wheels than bike ones!) I did it all before. And I'm sure Mrs. Smith is going to warn me about putting too much "on my plate." But she knows what it's like to have to work for your life. I want a satisfying life filled with fun, laughter, peace, some struggle and productivity. I want to make a difference anywhere I can. I know I can do it instantly, I've seen it. So now I'm ready to continue being active so that my thoughts become my actions. If you've read 'The Secret' you know what I mean.

Oh and I've decided two things: I want a guy-friend and I want long hair. Both probably make me look much better! I do need a full-time companion and I know I'm ready for it. So, take me into the dating world universe but dont kill me!

I hope you all are doing well at this moment. I'm content. I'm happy. I'm not high. (So there.) It's 2:30 am and I need some rest so I'll leave you with these words...

Just as the soft rains fill the streams,
pour into the rivers and join together in the oceans,
so may the power of every moment of your goodness
flow forth to awaken and heal all beings,
Those here now, those gone before, those yet to come.

By the power of every moment of your goodness
May your heart's wishes be soon fulfilled
as completely shining as the bright full moon,
as magically as by a wish-fulfilling gem.

By the power of every moment of your goodness
May all dangers be averted and all disease be gone.
May no obstacle come across your way.
May you enjoy fulfillment and long life.

For all in whose heart dwells respect,
who follow the wisdom and compassion, of the Way,
May your life prosper in the four blessings
of old age, beauty, happiness and strength

Ahhhhhhhhh.... sweet dreams.

Love, light and peace,
Jolee

Me Improving? How UNHEARD of...

It's not longer a secret that I am moving on in pursuit of some pretty amazing feats. I am so proud of myself for deciding to take this step. I still have much growing up to do. I still have a lot of anger that needs to be relinquished. Moving into the world and cutting myself off from all I've ever known in a great thing. I haven't learned how to be a productive, self-reliant individual. Okay well that's not terribly true, but I have seen myself sabotage things out of laziness or just lack of interest.

There are things I choose to believe. There are people I choose to associate with. I don't feel I have to defend myself over the things I do or say any longer. I am my own parent, my own guide. It's such a terrific freedom to me to just move on. I know that in the end things will end up as they should be. I hope it isn't like the fantastically sad dream I had last night. I ended up paying off my family in order to keep them away from me and my new "Hollywood" crowd. Everyone got 10,000 dollars from me and I ended up crying in the dream and after I woke.

My wish for my friends and family is simple: Peace.

I usually end up stirring the pot because I like to join in on the fun too. But I've got to control my emotions long enough to stave off the impulse to ream my unloved ones online. We all have people in our lives, not just family, but co-workers, peers, etc who constantly feed us negativity. I am a believer in the truth that you are your environment. If you say you're struggling you are struggling. If you say you're not worthy then you are not worthy.

I am a happy and loving person. I am filled with compassion and pity. Some days I am only human and I let my emotions take over my mouth. I say what I need to say. I feel better but ultimately no one ever likes the truth. And especially not the harsh truth.

I am one to learn from my mistakes. I am not a failure and will rise above the hostile cloud. I only hope that in good time everyone will learn to accept who I am. Jolee Atkins-Summerville. Actress, singer, amateur photographer, future social worker/psychologist, etc, etc.

Oh and I have to admit... I love seeing how people react to me and whatever I do. I am fascinated with the way we are all connected and how we affect one another. Whether we want to admit this or not, we do love attention. We all have people in our realms that inspire us to do this thing or that. So thank you to all of the lovies and even the naysayers. I only strive to prove you all wrong! Ha ha! (I think I should type in every blog that it's purely unintended if it comes across as mean. I'm not mean unless you provoke me.)

So... here's to another blog in which I pray I come across as sincere and direct. I am who I am. Deal with it. :)

Love, Light and Peace,
Jolee

Queen Jolee as LJ would say...

It's getting down to the wire now. I have 13 days until I set off for my adventure. I'm looking at it all positively and I'm sure that once it's here and done and over with I'll be fine. But at the moment, I cannot stress any more or I think I'd just be a plain 'bitch.'

I had such a fun night at work despite America sucking and no customers. I sold over 600 dollars worth of Sonic shit today. I sold the most out of the afternoon and night crew and I was making 7 bucks an hour. So I'm not sure why I am so worried. I'm starting to pay off my debts and I'm proud. My checks are getting bigger from work thanks to the overload of hours but I do have a fear that I wont find what I want in San Diego. I'm hoping Wes will NOT tell me, "We're here if you decide to come back." I don't want to come back, I think I've made that pretty clear. I'm done here and all my business is finished. I've learned upon visiting my 'dad's' grave, I carry him in my heart and my soul. In the past 10 months I've visited him 4 times. Last summer I boasted I'd finally be able to live 'with' or near my dad again. Nice huh?

But it's not the same and I am on my own now. No dad buying me school clothes and certainly no mom to pay for school period. Maybe it's me, but I've got to say I'm a little pissed. I grew up in a world where parents not only love and encourage their children they teach them how to build a life and career. Well, I didn't grow up there, but let's just say I saw it in movies. My parents didn't do much of that. 2 classes paid for. And I thank you for that Jim. Oh wait, that was my step-grandfather. But I cannot discredit my grandmother because she did buy me 3 cars. I thank you for that. I guess I'm a little bitter. I'm a bit fucking jealous even. My sister gets a house. I get grief over the money I owe her for said cars.

Which brings me to my next point...

... yes SIS, I'm LIVID with you over the Explorer. YOU owe your mother for that! What was it you paid, only 3 or 4 hundred? Ask Robert or better yet ask Natalie. They'll remind you.

And you know what? I give up. I surrender. I'm going to take care of myself since neither of them seem interested. I am my own strong, beautiful young woman who has so many adventures to take!

I am so glad to be moving back to California and to do it for me. I mean truly do something for me for once. Everyone might think that the things I do are selfish and yes, sometimes that's one angle or motive for a decision but I promise you, moving to Missouri was not one of those times. I did it for my bm, for my sister, for my family. Now that they're sadly all gone, I am all on my own with my good friends in California.

Thank you Lord for the most precious gift there is. Freedom. (Next to truth that is.)

Love, Light and Peace,
Queen Jolee
(It's 3:15 am in KCMO. Not almost 1 am!)

Yes And...

And I will go to the ocean and be tanned. And I will get a job swiftly and obtain secure housing fairly and efficiently. And I will continue to be the carefree and strong person I have turned out to be. And I cannot seem to contain my budding excitement for my trip coming up. It's funny because I keep saying "I'm going home." And while living in California, I've always called KC "home." Everything's peachy because well the family knows I'm moving but they don't really know that it's in 2 weeks. And that I'm driving myself with a MapQuest map, a gas can, Sonic coupons and some saved up cash. And a few personal belongings but not too many because I'm starting over.

"But you still haven't told them. I mean, they know it's going to happen sooner or later. You've managed to stave off the first few stabs they took at guessing when you were leaving. Ooooh you're gonna be in TROUBLE!"

I'm thrilled because I know that this time they can get as red as a freakin' supernova! I'm not giving up. I've got to do it sometime and I'd rather get there now rather than in a few years when these people are dead. I really really have nothing else left to do here in Kansas City. I've done all that I wanted (going to Worlds of Fun on 7/6 to cap off the year, I went last September when I got here!) and been through some tacky and painful ordeals (lost family, had money stolen, jipped by an abusive woman.)

I recieved 3 signs in the past few months that told me the timing was now to go. And then I have to save up money for a train ticket to Miami in October for a prepaid cruise! So of course, the saving continues, as always. The "No you may not buy those adorable shoes Jolee!" conversation at the mall. That's now gas money.

:) Ahhhhh.... the joys of being a human. To operate a vehicle safely with the Phantom of The Opera blaring on a Sunday afternoon... pictures to come!

Love, Light and Peace.
Jolee Summerville <3

Legitimately, I'm HERE!

I've been trying to conjure up a legitimate blog for my blogger.com portal for weeks now. I haven't had much to say lately but now I'm INSPIRED! As with every musical likes in my world they usually pertain to every situation. Country music was a first love, then it was Seal or The Backstreet Boys. There's been so many artists that have influenced me in different areas of my life, whether it be for my personal life or for an artistic purpose.

Art is a funny thing. I cant remember a time when I was younger that I didn't love the feeling I get in my body when I sing. I have dreamt of being in "show business" ever since seeing Star Wars. My grandmother had told me after I had a horrendous nightmare about DV that he was only acting, that "he isn't really mean in real life." I love watching a movie like "A Mighty Heart" or "The Phantom Of The Opera" and seeing the actors truly transforming into another personality and take it to heart most of the time. (I think the correct term for this talent is called the Method.!)

But the whole point is that I still want to pursue entertainment as a career. I'm working on social work and photography degrees in the background as well. I'm getting a lot of flack for some reason. I completely understand I am more comparable to Marilyn's acting than to Judy Garland's but I'm so prepared to work on my craft so to speak. I know a lot of physical work has to be done as well. I'm quite blissfully aware of all the work I'm going to do as an adult. I appreciate the warnings from the elders around me but I still get the very creeping negative tone about it all. They dont trust me enough for me to take care of myself. This is a birth issue. I was born weighing 1 lb. and 6 oz. I was born at 25 weeks which you can probably surmise why. (Oh Jo stop digging at your bm! lmao) Anyways everyone around me now has watched me grow up. Or rather in their minds stay the same irresponsible, gullible, and naive little Donette. So you can see why a name change was imperative! Donette Stuber is a.) a fraud and b.) ugly.

I'm not trying to be down on myself, but that's how everything used to be. When you saw me you'd thought I had been through hell. Now when you see me you can see the hope in me. I'm eager to work and to learn. "To rise up and reach the world." ~ Phantom Of The Opera (2004)

I'm very proud of the person I am today. I am a good kindhearted person who still gets to be a moody, feisty Leo sometimes. I've got flaws obviously but I'm working on them! I'm ready for the changes that are coming. "Fast changes." ~ Seal (1998)

I'm not ashamed of who I am any longer and I walk the streets with my head high and with no worries in general. I can always be freaking out about bills and money but I realize I cannot stress over it usually after a while. My life is not about money. I wish I had more of it that's true. No one ever accused me of not being a business woman. But I mean that my life is about self-growth and family. I create my family. I say whether you are in my circle of lovelies or not. Because of my whole life I have never had a family that is a supportive one. All we do is fuck each other up! We're poison for one another because for some reason we're so used to committing crimes that we can't even stop doing it to one another!

So I've officially pronounced myself as Jolee Summerville, a singer/actress/future social worker/ amateur photographer/future psychologist. :)

Love, Light and Paz.

<3 Jolee~